life's confessions

note

|karen| it'd been awfully quiet the past few days which made me even more nervous... if it wasn't one thing it was the other.

I made the rule that nobody could leave the house without someone going with them. It was far to risky.

I knew deaja wasn't a homebody and she liked going out but if anything happened to her I would never forgive myself.

She's been through hell and back but yet she's still standing which is amazing to me. I have noticed that she's been a bit more clingy then usual.. she was under me right now.

"Let me up deaja i have to go to the bathroom" I said tapping her thigh. "Okay, let's go" she said in a serious tone.

"What you mean come on? Uhh unnt" I replied walking away to the bathroom. Before I could shut the door she slipped right in.

"Deaja can I pee in peace?" I asked her standing in front of the toilet. "No" she let out switching from foot to foot.

Sighing I pulled down my pajama pants and used the bathroom while she sat there watching me.

"Deaja what's wrong why you all up under me all of a sudden? You know you my baby but im not used to this.. I love it don't get me wrong though" I said softly before wiping and standing up.

"I just don't want something to happen to me and i be left with that guilt that I didn't spend that much time with you" she said in a quiet tone.

"Hey, don't talk like that.. nothing is going to happen to you.. you will be just fine" I was a little taken back by what she said cause she was never one to assume the worst.

"Come on, we're about to take a nap i said going into the guest room.. only because that bed was the biggest and I knew she wouldn't go to sleep without me.

I crawled into the bed on the right side so I'd be closest to the door. Turning over facing dee as she drifted off to sleep I felt my eyes get heavier and heavier.

- 1 hour later-

I jolted up to deaja clearly having a nightmare of some sort. Whatever it was- it was clearly bothering her.

"Baby wake up" I said quietly shaking her a bit. She still wasn't responding so I rocked her a little harder then before.

"Sweetie you gotta get up" I said.. after a couple more shakes she woke up looking confused as ever..

When she looked me in my eyes she immediately bursted into tears. "No, why are you crying dee?" I cooed bringing her into my chest.

"I- I cant do this auntie, i gotta just get away" she said between sobs. "I'm here putting y'all in danger.. with the problems that I came here with."

"Why can't I ever just be happy, Why can't I ever catch a break?" She asked looking up at me for the answer.

"You won't be going anywhere so get that out of your head. You are our daughter... and we will treat you as such so your problems are my problems"

"You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you, you've heard that a million times but now you've hear it a million and one times"

"Your time is coming so dee, we'll pray about it at church tomorrow.. how does that sound?" I asked her looking down at her.

"That's fine, can I help you cook?" She asked me sitting up. "Of course, come on before your uncle gets home"

-the next day-

|deaja| i sat in church taking in everything that was being said. For some reason it all hit different.. it was as if he was talking directly to me.

"How many of you know that your suffering has an assignment.. every time a distraction is thrown your way it means your getting ready to make a home run.. it may seem rough right now but in the end- it'll be alright"

Those words brung me to tears.. not in a painful way but God knew that's what I needed to hear.. to help myself keep pushing.

The alter call came and I knew how much I needed it... I went up to the alter looking up to see unc giving me a reassuring nod gesturing me to come here. He handed the mic to another elder walking out of the pulpit.

Auntie doe and karen trailed behind us as we went into his office. "I know you've been having a rough couple days, come here" he said once he took his preaching robe off.

I walked over to him wrapping my arms around his torso. I felt a hand on my back then another one to follow.. it was hard to explain but this sudden wave of peace swept over me nearly knocking me to my feet.

They all three took turns praying over me. I never knew how much my life changed without my mothers prayers.. I never knew how much I needed this moment right here.

They got done and nobody had a dry eye. "Oh my gosh y'all know I don't like seeing y'all cry" I said wiping my own eyes.

"Girl we couldn't help it, hush" auntie doe said causing everyone to laugh taking a seat. "So what's up?" Auntie karen asked rubbing my right cheek.

She's always had that bad habit of doing it but I grew used to it.  "I'm thinking about getting a job soon" I said.. I've been thinking about it lately cause I just liked making my own money.

"No you're not" uncle drew replied in a more stern tone. "But-" that's where he cut me off. "You don't need a job dee.. if you insist on getting your hands on something you can help me up here at the church" he finished allowing me a sigh or relief.

Before I could reply a hard knock was made on the door. "Come in" unc called out and one of the deacons came in with a worried look on his face.

"Bishop someone came in the church and left this note" he said handing it to him. Being my nosy self I went behind him and read it.

When I did I turned around emptying everything i consumed in the last twenty four hours.