Becoming Undone [1/2] [✔]

Thirty Three

Meredith's POV

I find my way to the elevator and Dr Wyatt is already on there.

"Hi Meredith."

"Was you coming to collect me?" I ask

"No, this is just a happy accident but we can go up together." I don't believe her but we do go up to her office together, I'm very reluctant.

I go and sit next to the fish tank that Dr Wyatt has in her office. The fish is a nice distraction as I watch them.

We sit in silence for a few minutes. I don't want to talk, my head is loud enough.

"Meredith, this is your time."

I nod and look at her, smiling.

"I don't know what to say."

"How have you been since going home?"

"I've eaten if that's what you're asking." I say, bluntly.

"That's good to know but it's not what I asked."

"I'm fine."

"You're fine?"

I nod.

"Everyone stares at me." I say after a few more minutes of silence.

"They stare at you?"

"They know I'm broken. The last week I've had so much attention, it's been torture."

"Torture is a strong word."

"I don't deserve it. I feel fragile. She would hate it. She'd hate me."

"Who?"

"Nobody."

We sit in silence again for a few minutes.

"Meredith, I need to weigh you twice a week."

"WHAT? No! The deal was therapy outside of hospital, you said nothing about being weighed."

My breathing becomes quick, I start to scratch my neck like I did when I was with Bailey, my eyes become unfocused.

"I can't.. I can't.. my breathing.. I can't"

"Meredith, you're okay. Do me a favour and recite the alphabet for me."

"What?.. A.. b.. c, d, e, f, g, h.." I continue, holy hell it worked.

"Have you had a lot of panic attacks? Here, have some water."

I take a sip of water, and nod. I don't want to meet her gaze.

"More recently. They come out of no where. I have no control anymore."

"You can't control panic attacks but you can control how you manage them. Reciting the alphabet is one method, some use word association with each letter of the alphabet and so on. But bringing back to the topic, I do need to weigh you. Shall we do it now?"

I shake my head, "Please don't make me."

"You can turn around."

"I want to know the number."

We get up and she takes me to the scale. I step on and am suddenly horrified. How is that possible to gain so much so quickly?

"Meredith, think like a doctor right now. Why have you gained?"

"I'm huge."

"That's not right. Try again."

"Um.. okay.. my body is clinging onto everything I give it in case I become strict with myself again."

"Exactly."

"Can I ask you to pinpoint how you're feeling right now?"

"No, you can't." I watch the fish for a little while, feeling a little defeated, "I'm sad and scared. The only thing that is keeping me going is that you need to clear me for surgery. That's the only thing, the honest to God only reason why I'm still trying."

"I will clear you but I want to see some more progress first. You've been out of hospital for less than 48 hours, it would be completely irresponsible for me to clear you right now."

"Can I at least work more hours? I'm so anxious when I am at work because I'm barely here anymore."

"You can have one extra shift a week, I'm not keen on you working full time yet."

I scoff and ask if I can leave. I know I've only been in session for 30 minutes but she clearly doesn't care about actually helping me! She just wants me fat and I tell her that. I get up to leave.

Arizona's POV

I'm at the nurse's desk when I see Meredith get off the elevator. I smiled at her but she walked straight past me. Her eyes were red.

I kept my distance, but I followed her. She went into the closet. What is she doing?

She didn't come out for a little while so I decided to go in.

"Mer?"

I hear the woman crying, she's crouched in the corner with something in her hand.

"Mer, baby?"

"Ari?"

"What's going on?"

"The chief called me fat, Dr Wyatt confirmed it, she won't even let me work full time. I've been eating, I swear."

"What do you mean the chief called you fat? and Dr Wyatt confirmed it?"

"He said I looked well! Then she weighed me and the number went so high. I asked if I could work full time but she gave me one extra shift a week, as if that matters!"

"I'm so sorry. It's sounds like you've had a tough day."

"Exactly, just let me do it. Just once and I'll stop." She's practically begging.

I look at her and I realise what it was she had in her hand. "Sweetie, you don't need to do this."

"I do! Please, Ari! Just once, I promise I'll stop."

I wrap my hand around her hand that's clutching the blade. She relaxes within a few minutes and I manage to prize it out of her hand. She collapses in my arms, still sobbing.

"I think I'll come over later, Dereks got a late surgery. Sound good?"

Meredith nods against my body. I wish I could away her pain.