Becoming Undone [1/2] [✔]

Fifty Nine

Meredith's POV

I could see that Derek was nervous to answer my question, normally I would just tell him to ignore me and not to answer but I really need to know the answer - for my peace of mind and if we was ever going to move on, I need to know.

"I was scared.. I didn't notice how unhappy you were for such a long time and when I found out, my heart broke. I wanted to save you. Rescue you. And you wasn't helping yourself. I suppose in your head, it seemed like you was but from my perspective you wasn't. You was dying and I guess.. I guess I would of preferred you to hate me than to be dead. I'm so sorry."

He finally replied and we sit in silence for a few minutes. The gravity of the situation I've place us both in for the last several months hit me. It was my problem for the longest time when I didn't have anybody and when everyone started to find out, I never really realised how it would begin to impact them and their lives. 

"I'm sorry, Derek. I.." I didn't know what else to say.

"You have nothing to apologise for, you have a mental illness. You can't help it but I'm here for you for as much as you let me be."

I look away, praying that he doesn't notice I'm crying, which of course he does. He stretches across the table to rub away the tears. 

"I'm okay."

"You're okay."

We drive in silence back to Bailey's house after I managed to eat a little bit. She gave me strict instructions that I had to go back to hers. When we got to the door, I think Bailey was waiting for me because she opened it before I had a chance too.

"You good, Grey?"

I nodded and walked upstairs but I heard her and Derek talking.

"She had a panic attack and struggled to eat -"

"Oh my god. Damn it Grey."

"No, no. She pulled herself out of it. She fought against the panic and managed to calm down by herself. We talked about the admission and when I forced her in there. Hell Bailey, she's came so far. I'm proud of her. I think we might have a chance."

"She's strong, there's no denying that."

I smile to myself. I think what Bailey said is true, I am strong. 

"Bailey, I know it's her house and everything but do you think she'd want to move back in? With me?"

I run downstairs shouting "yes!", of which I received an audience of laughter from my friend and Derek.

"Well, you start back at work tomorrow so maybe it can be a slow transition back to your house, a few days there and a few days here before you move completely. And I can finally have my house back!" Bailey jokes.

Me and Derek both nod, still laughing.

I wake up the next morning and rush to get ready. I'm back at work today. I'm determined to make it a good one. As I'm making breakfast, Bailey comes downstairs to be greeted by a coffee and a very enthusiastic me.

"Are you ready? C'mon lets go!" I say as soon as I swallowed my mouthful.

"Grey, chill out. Give me 10 minutes and we'll go."

"Okay, I actually can't wait. Do you think I'll be allowed to do a surgery today? I haven't cut in ages. Well, not a cut that I'm actually allowed to do." I quickly changed the sentence after I saw Bailey cock her head to the side. 

The morning felt like it was going so slowly but eventually I was outside the chiefs office with Bailey by my side. She said I could go by myself but I asked if she could come with me, even though Richard is like my Dad, I'm still nervous to see him after all this time. Last time he saw me I was a lot skinner.

"Meredith, come on in. You look.. How are you keeping?" Grateful that he didn't pass a comment on my appearance, I replied explaining that I'm well. I'm still in day patient 3 days a week with the intention of reducing the hours I'm there until I am able to be discharged completely.

"That sounds brilliant, I'd still like you to see Dr Wyatt once a month after your discharged for 6 months just to stay on track.. and for my peace of mind but I am really proud of you."

"Thank you, Sir."

"In fact, I have an appendectomy in OR 4 this afternoon. I want you to take it." He says with a smile, I turn to look at Bailey and she's smiling too. I could of sworn there was tears in her eyes as well but I've learnt not to question it. 

"Really? Are.. are you sure? I can do it? Start to finish? By myself?" I ask a million questions to make sure I understood properly. I can finally be a surgeon again.

Similar to this morning, time felt like it was going painfully slowly as I was waiting for the surgery to start. Bailey had informed me that she will be my assist which I was grateful for, I'd rather her than an intern. 

We scrub in and I relish in every moment. The noise of the surgery nurses preparing everything, the gas from the anaesthesiologist as they put the patient asleep. 

I walk in, get tied into my surgery gown and step up to the table.

"Ten blade please, Boki."

An appendectomy only takes, on average, 45 minutes but it was the best 45 minutes I've had in a long time. When I finished I walked out and headed towards the nurses station on the OR floor, I opened the double doors and am hit by a wave of people clapping. Everyone was there - Arizona, Teddy, Derek, Richard, Cristina among so many others. I couldn't hide it anymore, I burst into tears and hugged those who have been closest to me during the last several months. 

I cannot believe I've just finished a surgery after everything that's happened. 

I think, I'm getting my life back.

Hey everyone, thank you for reading - I hoped you liked this chapter! x