Secrets of Love

Punishement vs. Purpose

"I love you, baby girl." I said gazed at the stars and picked up a book to read aloud with the book lamp I had.

"Camille, honey, what are you doing?" Morgan asked as she and Lexi approached me.

"I'm reading." I said looking up from the book to her.

"It's late, Camille and you need to get home. We've been looking everywhere for you." Lexi said handing her phone to Morgan.

"Lex, Brandon's on his way. Let's just sit with her until he gets here."

"Just go. We don't need a babysitter." I pointed towards the car. "Leave us alone."

They sat down next to me and listened as I read the story. I was singing our favorite song when Bran walked up and stood over us.

"I got it from here. Y'all can leave. Thanks for finding her. Can one of y'all take her car for me?"

"Yeah, we got it. Just call if you need anything, B." Morgan got up and hugged him.

"Call me. Text me. Doesn't matter when. Okay?" Lex said touching his shoulder as he nodded.

"Cam, we agreed that you weren't doing this anymore." He said sitting next to me on the blanket.

"I tried, Bran. I can't do this. She needs me."

"Camille, we're going to get you some help, baby. Aniya is gone. You came here everyday for a week straight rain or shine. You stopped for two weeks and now you pull this? You told me you were going to work, you didn't show and you never came back home. It's almost one in the morning."

"Brandon, we can't just leave her here by herself."

"Camille, shes gone." He blew out a frustrated breath. "She's dead! Aniya is dead and she's not coming back."

"Shut up! Shut. Up." I put my hands to my ears.

"You can't sit in the cemetery like this. We're going to get you some help, baby."

"I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. It's like a piece of me is missing, Bran. Every time I close my eyes I hear her crying or 'talking'.

"We're going to get through this. We have to help each other, okay?" I nodded my head as we wiped my tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

He pulled me off of the ground and picked my things up. He hugged me tight and ran his fingers through my hair.

"I miss her so much."

"I miss her too, Cam. I miss her too." He told me and we walked to the car and went to our house.

I really felt like I was going crazy. I honestly heard Sunny laughing and crying. I would go to the nursery and sit in the rocking chair or just touch the clothes in her closet. Sometimes I'd pick up her blanket and hold it up to my nose taking in her scent.

They thought I was crazy and Brandon tried to get me to see doctors, but I wasn't crazy. Zay wanted me to do Christian counseling with him, but that was a negative. At that point me and God had nothing to talk about. I begged Him not to take my baby, but He did it anyway. A God who loved me wouldn't cause that kind of pain. I went to church for appearances only and because Brandon didn't trust me to be home by myself.

We had just gotten home from church and I was in my bed with the cover over my head when the door opened.

"Mommy? You sleep?" Peyton asked climbing in bed with me.

"No, Pey. What's up?" I asked as she lifted the cover to peek at me.

"Why are you sad?" She asked playing in my hair.

"I just miss your sister."I told her and felt myself tearing up.

"Don't cry." She wiped my eyes. "Sunny is with Jesus. She's a real angel now." She smiled and nodded her head.

"Since she's a baby I think she's the kind that gets wings and make people love each other. Like Valentine's Day." She said and ran out and came back with a picture. "Like this!" She was excited.

She had colored a cherub with a bow and arrow a while back and we put it on her wall.

"You think so?" I asked looking at the picture.

"Mmhmm. I know so, mommy. God can fix you. He needed Sunny to help Him with something that's why she broke. Uncle Zay said 'God makes no steaks.'" she tapped her chin like she was my shrink or something.

"Mistakes, Peyton. That's the word you're looking for."

"Mistake. Okay." She shrugged her shoulders. "I miss Sunny, too, but she has to be happy since she's an angel, right?"

"Yes, baby. Come on, let's nap."

"Mommy, we won't break for a long time. When you have a new baby he won't break either not for a long time. I promise."

"Okay, Tink." I said pulling the covers back.

"God will fix your heart, too." She snuggled up to me and kissed my cheek.

"What if-never mind. Just close your eyes."

What if he's the one who broke it?

It was Zay's turn to babysit me and he was annoying my life. I didn't want to pray with him. I didn't want him to quote scriptures to me. I just wanted to be left alone.

"Cammy, I'm your friend. You can talk to me." He said standing in the nursery doorway.

"Without preaching?" I stopped rocking and looked at him.

"Yes. I won't preach to you, but you know that anything that I say will be supported with the Word."

"Zay-" he walked into the room and sat on the floor next to me.

"Camille, you need to grieve. You're hurting yourself. Spiritually, emotionally, physically. You can't sleep your life away."

"What life?"

"You still have a purpose. You still have to live. I know it hurts, but you had the privilege to carry her for nine months, birth her and love Aniya for five months. No one else can say that, but you."

"Five months wasn't long enough. Why did she get five months and sick and demented people get years upon years? Huh?"

"I don't know. I just know that everything has a purpose. Think if your mother would've died as a teen you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't have met Brandon and there never would've been an Aniya."

"Zay, but why would He give her to me and then just snatch her away from me?" I walked to the window holding her blanket.

"You need to ask God what's the purpose in this."

"I guess I won't have an answer then." I sighed.

"Cam, I love you and as your friend I'm asking you to not give up on God because He hasn't given up on you."

I looked at him for a minute dismissing all of the negative things that I wanted to say to him. It wasn't his fault. I was angry and I was confused about everything. I wanted to fight the feelings that I had, but they were stronger than I was. As much as I knew that He was with me, I couldn't help, but to believe that losing Aniya was my punishment. I hated that I got wrapped up with that mess with Trent and TK. I guess it really was 'an eye for an eye'.

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Okay, so Camille is really going through it. These conversations are really important. Keep reading her secret is coming out in the next chapter!

Thanks for reading, loves!

New job is kicking my butt and they have me working Sarurdays and trying to put me on Sunday's. The devil is a lie! I need my weekends back! Pray for me yall. I love each and every reader, commenter and voter!