Secrets of Love

I Had To

We had been sitting in this office for twenty minutes and I hadn't said one word. I told Brandon that I didn't want to go. I didn't need to go see anyone. I was fine. Brandon had snatched my phone from me when I started to play games. Then he snatched my purse when I randomly started digging through it looking for nothing in particular. I didn't want to talk to him and I was tired of listening to Brandon talk.

"Cam, he's only here to help us." Brandon said running his hand down his face.

"Camille, this only works if you want it to work. There are different stages to the grieving process and we need to figure out where you are." Dr. Strawter jotted notes on his notepad.

"Y'all are really irritating me. What do you want me to say? She's dead. There's nothing we can do about it. Can we leave now?" I looked at Brandon reaching for my purse.

"Camille, how does that make you feel?" The doctor asked looking at me.

"How do you think it makes me feel? I feel like a piece of me is empty. I feel like I have no reason to live. I feel like God hates me and is punishing me. That's how I feel!"

"Brandon, how do you feel?" He turned his chair to face Bran.

"I feel the same. I feel helpless because I don't even know how to help my wife. I can't write a check or kiss this away. My heart is twice as heavy because I see how much this is tearing her apart. We're supposed to be helping each other, but she keeps pushing me away." He said with his head down pinching the bridge of his nose.

I didn't know how badly my depression and actions were affecting him. I was so consumed with my anger that I didn't even think that my husband was hurting and that I was adding on to the hurt. I never knew that I could hurt that way. Out of all of the traumatic events that happened in my life nothing hurt worse than losing Aniya.

"She was my daughter, too. I loved her just like you did. Camille, I don't want to lose you too."

"Camille, do you have anything to say about what Brandon just said? It seems as if you've totally disconnected from your husband."

I looked from Dr. Strawter to Brandon. It took him a while to look up and look at me. When he finally looked up I saw the tears that were in his eyes. I saw the hurt and the tiredness that was on his face because he was trying to help me. He put himself and his feelings on the back burner to make sure that I was okay. He stayed up with me when I would have nightmares or just couldn't sleep. He took over all roles and still worked all while trying to make sure I didn't completely lose my mind.

"I'm selfish. I-"

"Cam, no that's not what I meant."

"But I am. I-I've never in my life felt pain like this and I didn't know what to do. That was my baby and she was just gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I was supposed to protect her and I failed." I cried as I shook my leg.

"Camille, there was nothing you could do. She-"

"What kind of mother am I? Was I? I didn't see anything wrong with her. I should've noticed something."

"Cam, there was nothing we could do. We didn't do anything wrong. Aniya's time was just up. As short as we feel it was, her time was up."

"Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why does everything in my life always go wrong? It's like I'm toxic. I just wanted to love her."

"Okay, Camille," Dr. Strawter interjected. "What you're doing is blaming yourself for something you had no control over. SIDS just happens, it's nothing that you did. Our time is up, but I have an assignment for you."