Secrets of Love

The Mask

"Your shot is what's causing some of the symptoms. Could also be stress. As far as the cravings it could just be PMS. You might have a bug or something. I'm not going to prescribe anything for it. Just get some over the counter meds and stay hydrated. I'm going to give you literature to read over to see if you might benefit better from the pill or an IUD."

"Okay. Thank you so much. Especially seeing me last minute." I smiled.

"You know you're one of my favorites. It's always interesting when you're here, girlie." She winked at me.

"Dr. Collins, I still-"

"You still haven't told him? Camille, you need to stop keeping things from him. You want to be able to trust him and he should be able to trust you. Stop putting it off, especially if he thinks there's a possibility that you're going to get pregnant."

"He was so sure and he looked so happy when he thought I was pregnant. I'm just not-I'm not ready for another baby." I whispered because I felt selfish.

I was jumping for joy on the inside when I read the test results that I wasn't pregnant. When I told him he said he was fine, but the look on his face showed disappointment.

"You need to communicate that with your husband. You guys have to do better with this. Just tell him, don't leave him in the dark like that. Okay, Hun?" She put her hand on my shoulder.

"I'm going to. I just feel so selfish and I know it's because I am." I put head down.

"Camille, there's nothing wrong with feeling how you feel. You only became selfish when you kept those feelings from your husband allowing him to have false hope."

I shook my head and bit my lip. I was determined not to cry because crying didn't get me anywhere. Just ruined make up and puffy eyes.

"Okay. I'll set up another appointment when I figure out what I'm going to do. And thanks for the advice. You've always done that for me. "

"It's because I see where you can go. I just need for you to see it too. We've been at this together for a while." We laughed and she left me to change clothes and head out.

I stopped by the store to pick up a few things and I headed home. When I got upstairs Bran was sleeping. I left him that way. The longer he was sleep the more time I had to figure out what I was going to say to him. I changed into some more comfortable clothes and went downstairs to start on dinner. I didn't feel like anything fancy so I just made chicken bowls with rice broccoli and cheese. I went into the movie room with my food and jug of water. I ate, watched a movie and somehow ended up falling asleep. I remember Bran coming in asking me for my keys because I left my car in the driveway.

When I woke up I felt like taking a nice bubble bath. I lit my scented candles and my Sunshine Avery playing, relaxing when the door opened showing an angry Brandon.

"Get out. We need to talk." He said and I arched my brow.

"I'm not done. I'm sure whatever it is we can talk about it when I get out of the tub." I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.

It was like three seconds later I heard the water draining from the tub.

"You're done." He glared at me and walked out.

I took my sweet time getting out. I figured I would take a shower after we talked about whatever was going on with him.

"Bran, what's wrong with you? Coming in here like you-" I stopped and pursed my lips when I saw all of the pamphlets from the doctors office spread all over the bed.

"'Switching Your Birth Control'? 'Is the Pill Right for You'?" He picked them up and threw them down as he read them.

"Is that why you were so sure you weren't pregnant? Huh, Camille?" He asked looking me in the eye.

"It's not what you think, Brandon. I was going to tell you. It's really not that big of a deal. It's not like we were planning for a baby."

"That's not the point! The point is that this is a marriage and you don't do things like this without discussing it with your husband. If you're not ready for another baby that's all you had to say."

"I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have kept it from you and I realized that today when I saw how disappointed you were that I wasn't pregnant."

"We're you going to tell me? If I never found this information or if I didn't think you were pregnant would you had told me?" He asked peering at me as if he could see right through me.

I bit my lip and lowered my eyes, "No. I know it's selfish and I'm sorry, but I'm not ready for another baby just yet. I'm not." I pulled my towel tighter around me.

"Again, how hard is that to say? I don't know what's going on. I don't understand why we can't be on the same page."

"How many times do you want me to apologize? Goodness. How bad is it that I made a decision based on how I feel or what I want?" I raised my voice a little.

He raised his head, looked me and ran his hand down his face chuckling. "You don't. Apparently, your feelings are the only ones that matter. Every since Aniya died everything has been about you and how you feel. I have feelings too, but I put me aside to focus on you. You went from zero to a hundred and not once did we ever think to see if Brandon was okay."

"Brandon, what are you talking about? Why are you bringing Aniya into this?" I asked with my arms in the air.

"I suggest counseling. You refuse to go, then we go and once you felt we were done that was it. I'm trying to keep up with you, but I don't even know if you're coming or going. You're pretending to be okay. When you're really not."

"I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. You're making this bigger than what it is."

"So you haven't been sneaking out of here in the middle of the night going to the cemetery?" He asked causing me to flinch because it happened. "Peyton told me you yelled at her because you found her in the nursery. She thought she really did something wrong and she wanted to tell you that she just missed Sunny. We all do, but you need to figure out if you want to heal and if you want us to heal."

I was tight lipped because everything that came from his mouth was true. I was pretending to go back to the old Camille, that way I wouldn't have to deal with anything. Brandon looked so sad and it was clear that he had been holding all of this in. Again, we don't communicate very well. I stood there staring at him not knowing what to say. We decided to fix our marriage only for it to start to fall apart again.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore. Everything hurts. I don't know how to fix this. Fix us." I sat in the chair and put my head in my hands.

"Cam, we can't keep putting band aids over gunshot wounds. I want to love you, but I can't fix you. You have to decide that you want to be whole. I can't complete you, we can only be one of we're whole separately." He kneeled in front of me and I shook my head.

"You need to fall in love again with the one who loved you first. There's nothing wrong with starting over, but if He's not our foundation our marriage is on sinking sand."

"I can't."

"You can, you just have to be willing. I love you and I've been praying for you, for me, for us. As much as I pray for you, you have to pray for yourself also. I'm not giving up on us I just need to know if you're ready to give your all again." He stood and I got up and followed behind him.

"Where are you going? Are you leaving me?" I grabbed the back of his shirt and he turned and pulled me into a hug.

"No. I'm going for a run. Clear my mind. When you're ready to talk or whatever we need to do let me know. The ball is in your court."

"We're happy. Can't we just stay happy?" I smiled refusing to let tears fall.

"We are happy, but we can't keep wearing a mask of contentment."

He kissed me and left me to my thoughts. It didn't bother me that the ball was in my court, I was bothered because I didn't know what to do with the ball.

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Sorry, No baby for them right now. I feel that a baby right now would be to fill a void. They clearly have some things they need to work on. Just as in real life married couples have spats and issues they need to work on. They both fight for their marriage, they just fight at different times. We need them on one accord. Remember, I love feedback! Thanks for reading.