Can't Help but Love Him

Preparations

      From then on, I happily joined the celebration. Sure, I was still mad at my Uncle for the shit he put me through, but I was an adult now so I had get over it. 

     One of my presents was a Mercedes car, a gift from my Aunt. It would be extremely useful, considering I had relied on other people to drive me any distance I couldn't bike. I really spent the entire time thanking her. 

      Aurora told me that her dress had been picked up a week before, and that she'd never be so unprepared as she had made it seem. It made me feel better though, I knew that she wasn't actually stressed in the car before.

     Afterwards, we spent the next two weeks getting ready for the wedding. My Uncle had pulled me out of in-person school, and continued with my homeschooling instead. By this time, I had successfully fooled myself to think I was in love with her. It was the crushing weight of not wanting to accept my helplessness, that's what made me keep going. 

     I had countless people congratulating me, telling me how beautiful our children would be and what not. It all flew past my head, of course, they were the same people telling me how sorry they were that my parents died.

     Still, some part of me listened to them. That same part told me I loved her, that I wanted to Marry her. It told me that what I was doing was right, and that I was wrong to ever love Axel in the first place.

     The few days before the Wedding , I was with Aurora in my living room. We were packing up my things, emptying the entire place out. We'd decided to have the actual reception in the woods behind this house, so the inside needed to be clean too.

     "There are a lot of memories in this here, I'm glad this destination was our final choice." She said, coming over to me. 

     "Yeah, I'm excited." Despite what I said, I my hands slightly shook as I taped the boxes shut. 

     She wrapped her hands around my waist, leaning her head against my back. "Are you nervous? Marriage is a big deal, and it is only a few days away."

     I stood still, letting her hug me. Her body was cool, and felt nice against mine. It was different, though. Different than his body.

     No, wait. I'd let go of that, of him. He was no longer a part of my life. 

     "No, not really." I say, giving up on the box I was working on. It was clear I was trying to convince myself, as I limply held her in my arms. My mind was desperately trying to persuade my heart I was over him. 

     We left the packing for that day, deciding we'd do it tomorrow. She was right, I was nervous. Just not for the reasons she thought. It was painful now, how much I missed him. I knew it was unbelievably selfish, but I wanted him to be there. I'd always hoped he'd be the one I married, but if not I least wanted him in there when it happened. 

     I had told myself I loved Aurora, yet here these intense feelings remained for him.

     I missed it all, the years when I didn't have to worry about anything. Now, here I sat with my fiancée, getting ready to leave everything I'd ever felt comfortable with.

      A house in the outskirts of London had begun construction as soon as my had Uncle decided on our marriage, and he told me it would be our new home. He had been so confident his plan would succeed, that he'd bought a house for it.

     Strangely enough, whenever I realized how much my life had really been out of my hands, it made me want to go along with his plan even more. To prove to someone, wether it be him or myself, that I had control. I chose my future, and I chose to be with her forever. 

          I realized how committed I was to doing things when I was sitting with Aurora the day before the wedding. We were on back porch of my old house, staring at the woods. The sunset was beautiful, painted with red orange and pink.

     "Do you remember the first time you called me an elf? It was when I got lost in these woods." She murmured, staring at the mixed colors that filled the sky.

     "Of course I remember. You have the wrong idea though, I didn't think of you like that." I say. "I thought you were... ethereal. Like a goddess I didn't deserve or something."

     Red spread across her cheeks, and she turned to hide her face from me. "Y-You're just saying that. Besides, you can't have thought that when you were just a child." 

     "How would you know? I'm literally me, so I know how I thought thought as a kid. I really was enchanted by you." I protested, trying to see her face again. 

     "I was obsessed with you, too." She whispered, still avoiding eye contact with me. "I relied on you for whatever I did. If I was afraid, it would be okay as long as you were there."

     She finally faced me, looking me deep in the eyes. "That's why it broke me when you moved. It broke me. I hadn't known how dependent on you I was until you left." Tears began to gather, spilling down the sides of her face. I was surprised, but quickly wiped them with my thumb.

     "And when your Uncle said I was marrying you, I felt more frightened than happy. I thought; I can't get attached, because he might leave me again." She was full on crying now, and I couldn't catch each one of her tears. I pulled her into a hug, letting her soak my shirt.

     "And now, now that I've fallen in love with you, will you leave me again?" She sobs, wrapping her hands around me.

     "I won't. I'm... I'm attached to you too, Aurora. I won't leave if it's the last thing I do. I promise." If anything, I took this as motivation to keep going with the facade. She needed me, so I would need her.