Can't Help but Love Him

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     I realized I didn't actually know where I was going, so I started with the address of his supposed wife's house. If the facebook post was true, she was a widow and the mother of his three kids. 

     I only had her name to go on, but I found her social media almost immediately. She had no posts of her children, or of her family. The whole account was bare. Her profile picture was what made me double look.

     It was a self taken picture, of her smiling in what looked like a kitchen. In the background, Axel was smiling with a spatula held up in his hand. 

     I stared at it for a very long time. His face, and how it'd changed. It couldn't have been taken very long ago. Regardless of the happy setting, he looked so... so tired. Like simply existing took so much of his energy. I let my tears drop and hit the screen, only wiping them when they blurred his face.

     Was he unhappy with his life like me? He had married a woman like I had. Our difference was clear though; he hadn't had a choice. Mary didn't come from any rich companies, so Axel had at least defied his father that way. He still had to marry a woman though, because I wasn't there for him. 

     I had pretended like I didn't care about him anymore, acted like I didn't memorize every microscopic thing about him. It felt like a lot for these emotions to all come crashing down at once, especially since I had been ignoring them for so long.

     I loved him, I loved and missed him. It made me believe that he was alive, Axel was alive. He couldn't die alone, fate wasn't that cruel. He deserved happiness way more then I did, so I knew he was alive.

     When I pulled onto his driveway, I heard voices laughing and playing. I double checked to see if this was the correct address, then peered out the window once more. It was a small house, with a big yard. There was a boy and girl wrestling in the grass, being careful not to step on the pavement.

     I didn't want to look like a creep, but I stared very hard at the children. They looked like him. The boy had his same hair and nose, and the smaller girl had his eyes and smile. They were definitely his.

     I got out of the Uber, walking over to them. I felt nervous, especially when they stopped playing and looked at me suspiciously. I couldn't blame them, a random man had appeared in front of their house.

      "U-Um, hi. Would you mind letting me speak to Mary Johnson?" I asked, watching their skeptical expressions. The boy comes up to me, looking me up and down. He looked about two years or so older then Ellie, and had an impatient gaze.

     "Uh huh, sure. A stranger like you asking to see our mom. What a perfect set up for you-" He's elbowed in the ribs by the girl with him, interrupting him.

     "Shut up, Kenny! Loser, cheater! Smelly hog!" She says, kicking him in between insults. "Anyway, what's up? You said you came to see Mama?" 

     "Uh, yeah I-I came to see her." I lied. My heart beat through my chest as I looked at the house. To think that he might be inside those walls, it honestly terrified me. I didn't know what to say, or how to apologize to him. 

     He had been through so much, I had put him through so much, yet left him all by himself to go play house. I knew it in my heart, but everything I had gone through was a lie. 

     But then again, they weren't fake feelings at all. Aurora was my best friend, and Ellie was my daughter. I had retreated to a world that felt safe to me, completely leaving him behind.

     I had to enter his house, knowing what I'd done to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he made me leave, or started yelling as soon as he saw me.

     "Ok, we'll let you see Mama. She might be asleep, though." She shrugs, leading me to the door.

     They open the door to inside, but the boy keeps his eyes on me. I understood their hesitation, I'd find me suspicious too. The house was dark, there was only natural light as far as I could see. In what seemed like the living room, a woman laid quietly out on the couch with a baby in her arms.

      "Yup, that's her." The boy said, seeing my bewildered expression. "Mom, wake up! We have a visitor." 

     She jolted awake, startling the baby. She looked around the room confused, stopping when she saw me.

     "Oh, oh ok! Let me get the tea on the pot on the stove, here take Nora." She says, handing the baby to the girl.

     "Um, no tea for me thanks. I'm... I'm just here to..." My mouth got dry, and I couldn't finish my sentence. It didn't feel right for me to say his name, I didn't deserve to. 

     "Perhaps, did you know him?" She murmured. 

     My hands began to shake, and I tried my hardest to control my breathing. "Yeah, I knew him. I knew him really well."

     "Really? I've never seen your face before. Did you go to beverly high school too?" She asked. 

     "Too? Did you go there?" I was pretty sure no women were allowed to enroll.

     "I was on kitchen staff. My sister worked there too, maybe you knew her? Laura Jean? She was an advisory teacher." She said, getting up. "Oh, well. You didn't come here for me anyway." 

     She went to the kitchen, and came back with a photograph. She stared at it for a moment, before giving it to me.

     "Three kids takes a toll on any person, but he never once frowned. Always smiling, he was. But I felt it, and I think a lot of people did; how tired he was. He was no longer living for himself, it was like watching a dead man live." She spoke so softly, and there was no light in her eyes.

     "So how?" Was all I could manage. I still didn't process, I didn't understand him not being here. 

     "Kenny, Lynn. Go change Nora's diaper upstairs." She said. I looked down at the two children, examining their faces once more. Now that I looked closer, I saw no shine in their eyes either. Even the baby was abnormally quiet. They were all worn down, it was obvious.

     Once the kids had left, Mary sat back down on the couch. Pain momentarily crossed her face, and I sympathized for all the memories that she would have to revisit. I had to know, though. I couldn't live on without knowing how he'd left.

     "I think... I think it was part of his fuel. I don't know how he got it, or where he had it. But he took it everyday, when the kids were all occupied. I didn't know what it was, thought maybe a doctor had prescribed it to him. I had no idea he was slowly... killing himself." She covered her mouth, tears running down her cheeks.

     I had never felt so numb before. Not when my parents died, not once in my ten years without him. There was always some part of me that hoped I would see him again, regardless of if he was across the world. He had been breathing, living here for years and I hadn't once come to see him.

     Is this how Mrs. Drascal had felt when I told her my parents had died? And to think I had been so inconsiderate.

     "Where was he buried?" I asked, watching her tears continue to fall. 

     "Um, the Evergreens Cemetery in New York. It's where he was born." She sniffled, wiping her eyes. 

     "Thank you, Mrs. Johnson. I'll be going now." She was right, he was strong. He had woken up smile everyday, while suffering unbearable pain every night. Those same nights, I had been sleeping comfortably in my bed trying not to think about him. 

     I had burned the images of Kenny, Lynn and Nora in my mind. The children of the man I loved. I owed their family everything; after all they had been with him during his lowest. I'm positive they're the reason he kept going as long as he did.

     My mind was abnormally clear, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I think I already knew what I would do if I found out he died, but hearing it straightforward hardened my resolve.

     But first, I needed to visit him. One last time, I needed to see him.