Une Fleure Fanée

Week 2 Part 3 (Thursday)

     I am right under the stairwell to the viewing box the next day, doing my schoolwork, my thoughts acting up about the fat-shaming. Ms. Abby is right, Lilliana. Ms. Abby is never wrong. Just about as I am going to have a breakdown, I am interrupted by Ms. Kritisch and Mom fighting. Mom says I've been sabotaged and that's Savannah's Ms. Abby's favorite. I am done with Mom. But she is right. Not about the sabotaging part, but that Savannah's her favorite.

     But I don't get the part where Ms. Kristich says she doesn't put pressure on Savannah. She absolutely puts pressure on Savannah, not wanting her to make a single mistake, even when we are just stretching!

     Savannah suddenly interrupts us, telling us all to get into Studio A to rehearse the group dance. We are not working together as much as Ms. Abby is hoping we would. It's not fair. We've only been dancing together for a week and a half.

     We are out of breath by the marking. Ms. Abby pokes at us about it. But the dance is hard and intense. It has a lot of steps, and it's probably the hardest dance I've ever done.

     Hannah isn't doing the steps right, and I am getting nervous for her. We are going through the dance when suddenly she lands on her sissonne wrong, stumbling on the tape. I look at her foot. Her toenail's bleeding. Abby calls for a medic as Hannah rushes out of the room in pain.

     I want to follow her, but it isn't my place. But the cameras start following her. It isn't their place either. I just stand in the corner, controlling my breath as all the moms are going to the bathroom to comfort Hannah. Something isn't right. I feel like I forgot something.

     It isn't any of my dance shoes or my laptop. It's my Fluoxetine pill. I can't take it now. It will just have to wait for the end of a rehearsal or I will just skip it. Brady is called out, interrupting my thoughts. He comes back a moment later, Hannah on his back. Her toenail has been ripped off and has a bandage on it.

    After that debacle is over, we are given our costumes. I have this terracotta dress on and a tribal print turban headpiece thing. I don't put on the turban like some other teammates, afraid that it will fall off.

    They are discussing whether Hannah will be allowed to dance and the conversation drifts to shooting horses when they have a broken leg. Brady and I cover our mouths with our hands in shock.

     "You didn't know that?" she asks, and we shake our head no.

     I can't dwell on that thought for much longer. I didn't take my bulimia pill, so my emotions are strung high, ready to snap at any point. Finally, Hannah is allowed to dance. I notice that she isn't very talkative. Ms. Colin always speaks for her.

     As we are going through this number with our costumes, my breath starts constricting. I try to reason with myself. This isn't anything, Lilly. I can just catch my breath once we're done, right?

     But since I can't catch my breath because of the intensive dance, my mind drifts to the solo that's insulting to my Mom, and Ms. Abby pinching my stomach fat. You're ugly and stupid and fat and you don't deserve to be here, Lilliana.

     After we are done, I still can't breathe and I am having a full-on panic attack now. I have no reason to be feeling this way, so I'm officially freaking out about nothing.

     "I need two things changed. The circle's too tight- what's wrong?" Ms. Abby begins before she notices I am panicking.

     All attention is drawn to me. The cameras and microphones aren't helping. My breathing is getting worse. I can't breathe at all anymore. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. Tears start to well up.