Une Fleure Fanée

Week 7 Part 1 (Sunday)

 Just a little warning: self-harm starts here!  

     "Lilly, wake up. We're back," I hear someone whisper in my ear, waking me up.

     I flinch and look up, terrified that it's a nurse taking my vitals. It's just Mom. I take a breath of relief, and lean back in my seat. She puts a hand on my shoulder and rubs it gently before handing me the pill that doesn't work. I smile and take it anyway. All the memories of yesterday come flooding back.

     We lost the group dance for the first time. It's all because of you, Lilliana. You can't hold a group dance without Brady. You didn't prove yourself. And now you and Elliana's relationship is gonna be strained.

     I look around me. I'm still on the coach bus. The other girls are either up and waiting to change, or just waking up. I'm alone, so I watch some Netflix until I'm allowed to change my outfit. Elliana's moving in today, and we're moving to a single apartment complex, so I want to look nice. I check my phone. Seven-thirty.

      I luckily have something that covers my body. A short-sleeved romper that goes all the way down to the ankles. It's mustard yellow and has white dots. I put on laced white sneakers to compliment. My hair goes into a high ponytail with a magenta scrunchie. A little bit of lip gloss and mascara goes on my face before I let Savannah change.

      I take an Instagram story with Gia and Ms. Abby before going back to my seat. I don't have my planner, but I look up in my notes for what my calorie limit is for today. 400 calories. Not too bad. By the time we all finish getting ready, we're back at the studio.

     Even though we drove alone to the studio, Hannah drives with us back. She's gonna help me move stuff. Press is going to help Gia. I pretend to be happy and giggly so nothing seems wrong with me. You're a horrible dancer, Lilliana. You screwed up the group dance.

     "Man, I can't believe we lost. The dance was so fun," Hannah comments, playing with her white sweatshirt hoodie.

     I shrug and reply, "I don't know. I mean, the concept could have offended a judge or something, and our spacing was off."

     She shrugs back as we pull into the parking lot at around nine-thirty. Press and Gia aren't here. They probably already left. We go up the elevator to the third floor and go to the apartment. We go to my room at the end of the hallway and most of everything is in suitcases. All we have to pack is my bedding, my clothes, and my journal.

     Everything is packed into cardboard boxes by around ten-fifteen. I feel weak as I carry the boxes, but I muster up enough strength to carry them to the car. You're so weak, Lilliana. You can't even carry cardboard boxes. Pathetic. We eat a quick snack before we go to the new apartment complex. I grab some dehydrated banana chips, which are 60 calories. You're so fat, Lilliana. Why did you eat the banana chips? It's a low calorie snack that fills my stomach. That's why. I start to get worried as we near the car to go to the apartment complex.

     "I'll show you around. Don't worry," Hannah reassures me and she holds my hand in comfort.

     I smile at her and whisper, "Thanks."

     I wave goodbye to the apartment complex and get in my mom's car. The boxes shift around in the trunk, and Hannah and I check behind us every now and then to make sure nothing falls out of the boxes. They don't.

     Instead of white bricks on the outside, this apartment complex has red rust bricks. I carry my pink suitcase by the handle, rolling it on the pavement as we walk in. The reception area is a lot nicer than the one in the other apartment complex.