Une Fleure Fanée

Week 7 Part 4 (Wednesday)

     It's the same straight jacket nightmare. I thought I would be used to this nightmare by now, but the nightmares seem to get worse and worse, slowly distorting the actual events. Last time, it made up that I had itchy white pants. They were beige. This time, it made up that I heard Nurse Charlotte laugh over the speaker in the room. It's awful.

     And with the same nightmare come the same panic attacks. Combined with the migraine and stomach ache, I feel like I'm about to die. I can't seem to catch my breath, and it constantly feels like I'm about to pass out. The doctors advise me not to take Venlafaxine during the night. I've taken it before, and half the time the next day, I feel like I can't move.

     "Lilly, you're not dying, sweetheart. It's scary, you're gonna get through this," Mom says as she holds me in her arms.

     Her words don't provide me with any reassurance. They just provide me with guilt. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve this opportunity. I don't deserve any of this. You should die, Lilliana. Nobody cares about you.

***elliana***

     Around 11:30 in the middle of the night, right in the middle of me sleeping, I hear soft whimpers. Then they get louder. They eventually turn into screams. Lilly's having a really bad nightmare. I've had them before, but she has them a lot. She told me they stopped, but they must've started again. It breaks my heart. She's in so much pain.

     I hear her mom come into the room and wake her up. I know she's having a panic attack. I want to text her and tell her it's okay, but then she'll feel bad knowing she woke me up. I wait for an entire hour until Lilly seems to have fallen asleep. She seems to be going back to her old habits.

~~~~~

***lilly***

     I want to eat so bad. But I can only eat 150 calories. Breakfast is an egg, 90 calories. If I eat half of the egg, which means I only eat 45 calories, then I can have a couple carrots and whatever for dinner.

     I change into the same clothes that I wore yesterday to make it seem like we totally don't have pyramid on a different day. Skincare. Fluoxetine. Makeup. Ponytail. Clips in the hair. Mom scrambles one egg for each of us. I only eat half of it, but my stomach feels a lot better. You're fucking disgusting, Lilliana. I can't believe you put food in your mouth, chewed it, and swallowed it.

     I should throw it up. But I can't. Mom and I are driving with Hannah today. I haven't really gotten to know her very well. She seems really sweet and kind, though.

     "Aww, man, the snow is gone. I wish they had snow here like we get it in New Albany," Hannah comments, staring out the window.

     "You're lucky you get snow. Fayetteville just gets rain. I think I've seen snow in North Carolina like twice. It's awful," I disclose to Hannah.

     "So do you guys even go sledding or even get winter stuff?" Hannah asks.

     "Nope. This is the most winter I've ever experienced," I say, showing a picture of me when I was five, playing in the snow with Caden.

     "You were so cute!" Hannah harmlessly exclaims.

     Were. You were cute. You're so ugly now, Lilliana. You're so ugly and so fucking fat. I suddenly realize I haven't said anything back.

     "Lilly? What's wrong?" Hannah asks, putting a hand on my shoulder.

     "N-nothing. Kinda blanked out there for a second. Thanks," I reply back hastily, flinching at the touch on my shoulder.