***lilly***
I hear two phone alarms go off. The adrenaline makes us jolt up quickly and turn off our phone alarms. We sigh deeply and lean back, the adrenaline stopping. I groan and slowly get off of the couch. My unicorn sleeping bag and Elliana's pink camo sleeping bag are still laid out, untouched. We fell asleep on the couch.
Somehow, my stuffed llama is tucked under my arm. I put everything back in my suitcase and grab my outfit. A butterfly navy blue leotard with black shorts for public decency, along with a blue ALDC hoodie. Elliana leaves the room briefly so I can get changed. I slip on the clothes and go out so she can get dressed. I brush my hair while I'm waiting and put it into a low ponytail.
Elliana's hair is already brushed when she unlocks the door. She's wearing dance clothes even though she won't be coming to the studio. She has more makeup than me. I'm only allowed to use mascara and lip gloss. You should wear more makeup, Lilliana. You look ugly enough as it is. I don't feel very confident in the way I look either, even though that's how I feel every day. I should ask Elliana if I look okay.
***elliana***
"Hey Elliana, do I look okay? I don't look, ugly, or anything in this?" Lilly asks me, applying the littlest bit of lip gloss.
I look at the tiny child. She's only ten years old. Why is she doubting how beautiful she looks? She looks so innocent, and yet she's gone through so much. And just when I thought she was better, she seems to be going down the same path.
"What? Lilly, you look beautiful. Please, please, don't ever ever doubt yourself with that," I beg her, setting down my mascara wand.
***lilly***
Elliana hugs me right and whispers, "You can fight it, you can fight it,"
She is referring to bulimia. She thinks I'm bulimic again. I kind of chuckle sadly at the thought.
"I'm not bulimic, Elliana. Believe me, you would be the first one I would tell. I'm just having a bad day so far, that's all. I promise," I half lie, looking in her eyes.
Elliana nods and smiles, saying, "Good. You brought your medicine right?"
I nod and pull out the translucent orange plastic container holding a couple of pills. I'm gonna need a refill in a week or so. I pop one in my mouth, and this time, it's hard going down. I cough a bit after, but manage to keep the bitter pill down.
No matter what Elliana says, you're so fat and ugly. No matter what anybody says, they just don't want to hurt you. I snap my wrist with my hair tie to inflict pain. I'm still fat and ugly no matter what anybody says. I am worthless and a "slut." Whatever that means. I heard it once on the set of a short film I was working on when they thought I was far enough away, and my brain stuck that word into the urges.
Am I bulimic? No, I'm "anorexic," even though I'm perfectly fine, just dieting heavily. I'm never going to accept that I have a problem because I don't. "Anorexics" throw up their food too. My old roommate in the psych ward, Emily, was anorexic, and she did it. She was the one who died. I don't throw up unless I eat too much.
I can't think about Emily. She was a skeleton. I'm never gonna go that far. But she was beautiful. Maybe I should strive to be her. I can't think about that now. I have to go to dance. I pack my things quickly and thank Ms. Yolanda and Elliana for allowing me to come over, and I go back to my apartment.
"Lilly, grab an Ensure and go to Ms. Ashley. She's driving you and GiaNina today. I'll be there soon with Ms. Joanne. Oh, also, your doctor is prescribing you with depression medication, so I'm going to get you a refill of the Fluoxetine and then you'll start taking your depression medication tonight " Mom yells from her bedroom.
YOU ARE READING
Une Fleure Fanée
Fanfiction***MATURE WARNING*** "The hunger is good. You had too many calories already. You're already fat." "They'll love you even more when you're skinny. You'll be their perfect little angel when you're nice and pretty." "Lilly, I heard you puking up the c...
