The bird alarm wakes me up again, and all I wanna do is lay in bed. For once, I really really don't wanna dance. But I have a competition tomorrow. So, I guess I have to go. The schedule's looking a bit different. We're not dancing until after lunch and school before we go to Lancaster.
I stumble to my dresser, half-awake, and I pick out a coral dance spaghetti strap crop top and black leggings. You're not skinny enough to wear this awful outfit, Lilliana. Skinny girls like Hannah or Elliana or Pressley or Gia or Sarah or Savannah or Kamryn would wear this. I don't have enough time to pick out something else, so this will have to do.
My elbow crease is nearly healed. It all looks the same, so I think it's safe to stop covering it up. My wrists, however, still look like the aftermath of a battle. Those I have to cover up with concealer and foundation. Some of the scars have gone. Some are fading. One is standing out in particular. The one I cut last night.
If Brady, or Pressley, or any of the girls find out that I cut myself, I know they would be disappointed in me. Because in everybody's eyes, including mine, it's a bad thing, and it's not like I want to do it. But it's like cigarettes. Some people want to quit, but they're addicted, and they don't know how to stop.
After I put my hair up into a high ponytail, I put on my skincare, makeup, and take my medicine. I almost choke on the two pills. Maybe that's a sign I shouldn't take them anymore, but Mom will notice very quickly, so I have to take them anyway.
I walk into the main room and I almost grab a cereal bar, but I remember the leotard. I'm in excruciating pain. It feels like they're clawing for food. Don't you dare eat, Lilliana. You want to look good in the leotard, don't you?
It's only 110 calories. I haven't eaten in two days. I deserve something like this, and I don't want to pass out today, or else my whole game is over and it will be out of order. I open the wrapper and reluctantly take a bite.
I feel my stomach lurch in thankfulness for the food, but my mind starts yelling at me. Throw it up, Lilliana! You're not supposed to have food. Now you're going to look fat in the group dance compared to the others. I feel the familiar urge to run into the bathroom and puke up the contents, but I need something. I force myself to repress the feeling and Mom rushes out.
"Ok, here's the game. Pressley is carpooling with Gia today, and Brady is going with Hannah, so we are going to take Elliana and Ms. Yolanda to dance," Mom relays to me, double-checking with her phone.
Wow, that's a lot of info. Gia and Pressley? Together? Maybe they've made up. And I haven't seen Gia without Elliana in the past week. But it seems fun. I grab my dance bag, phone, and put on my shoes and we go to the car.
Elliana and I start to do a lot of TikToks in the car, doing silly dances and memes when she suddenly pulls her phone away from the video and I become confused. That is, until, I see a text message notification appear.
Jelliebelly: have u eaten today?
Sillylilly: a cereal bar. I hated it.
She flashes me a small smile, and we continue making TikToks and memes. The one where you alternate showing your phone flashlight is supposedly hard to get the timing down, but I guess it's easier for us than most people since me and Elliana end up getting it on the second try.
As we walk in, we realize we are the first ones here, so we start to stretch in the dancer's den. As Ellie brings one of my legs up for an oversplit, being careful about the bruises on my ankle that no amount of foundation or concealer could ever cover, Ms. Gianna finds us.
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Une Fleure Fanée
Fanfiction***MATURE WARNING*** "The hunger is good. You had too many calories already. You're already fat." "They'll love you even more when you're skinny. You'll be their perfect little angel when you're nice and pretty." "Lilly, I heard you puking up the c...
