Une Fleure Fanée

Week 12 Part 1 (Sunday)

***lilly***

     The bird's chirping alarm goes off on my phone and the Baby Shark sound goes off on Brady's. Eight in the morning. All the memories of what I told Brady last night flood back and all I want to do is fall asleep and never wake up. Why did you tell Brady anything, Lilliana? He's never going to be your friend now.

     "Do you want to talk about what happened last night?" Brady asks, yawning.

     "No," I state sharply, a little rude by accident.

      He doesn't say anything else and gets out of bed to change. Today is kind of weird. We're going to Blackpool today, but we're stopping to do a show at Leeds midway, so we won't really get to show off our outfits, but yet, we still have to dress up like a person in the olden times. Mine is the 70s, almost fifty years ago.

     Brady changes into a more 90s style outfit with a block color sweatsuit, one of those Will Smith hats, and Vans. Once he's done, I can change into my outfit. A tan Looney Tunes cropped graphic tee from Forever 21, some blue flare jeans also from Forever 21, black platform sandals from Foot Locker, a rainbow headband and rainbow stud earrings, both from Claire's, and those rounded sunglasses from francesca's.

     I put my hair in the headband, which is more like the headband I wore yesterday, and I keep my hair down and straight to make it feel more like the 90s. The flare jeans feel a tiny bit looser than when I tried them in the store, so at least I know the scale wasn't a lie yesterday.

     I take my medicine and I look at my wrists. I probably should have brought more bracelets, but I didn't think that far ahead. All the hurt and all of the pain is remembered on my wrist and the crease of my elbow. All the stress of last night is remembered in the twenty recent scars, all red and pink in my arm.

     I can't look at them too long. I grab my foundation and my beauty blender, packing in the tan liquid onto my wrists until the side effects of becoming artificially happy are gone from the outside world. I add some setting powder on top as the lock to my secret.

     I take a deep breath. Today is the last week of the calorie diet I've been following. It's been six weeks, where I was starting with 500 calories. Now my stomach is adjusted to 200, which is my limit for the day. I'm going to have to figure out my calorie limits after this week.

     I'll worry about that next week. I shift my dull and bloodied razor from my black phone case to a white retro phone case with a rainbow on it. The razor isn't gleaming through it. Good. Every phone case that I put on holds a deep dark secret.

     Since we'll be putting on different makeup for the meet and greet, I can do actual retro makeup, and I've done my research. I put on some orange eyeshadow, and I use my eyeliner to create a line on the top of my crease to create a cut crease. I add a bit of glitter to my eyeshadow for a disco look, and for lips, a cherry tomato lip gloss.

     I exit the bathroom and I get a bit dizzy, the lights blaring in my face from the lamps. I sit on the bed and I hold my face in my hands for a quick second, Brady too focused on packing up.

     You're such a burden, Lilliana. Nobody can ever enjoy anything because they're too worried about you. I shouldn't have told Brady. But at least he has answers to his questions. But I have some questions I need from an outsider perspective of someone I trust to give me honest answers.

     "Hey, I have a question or two," I state abruptly, looking for my suitcase, trying to avoid eye contact.

      "Go ahead, but I will warn you, if you say anything negative, I will blast the Baby Shark song until I see a smile after I answer your question," Brady warns me jokingly, and I chuckle.