Une Fleure Fanée

Week 14 Part 1 (Sunday)

     At nine o'clock, we all get woken up by the sudden jolt of the bus. I don't wanna get up. I don't feel cold under the blanket when I wake up, or in the shower, but it has to be blazing hot. I'm also so tired, but I can't fall back asleep.

     Sarah gets off first before me, and I groggily get off. It's so late, and, at least the end of the competition, was a disaster. And Elliana's leaving, and she knows about my cutting. I don't know how the makeup from yesterday morning is still on, but I'll be able to wipe it off quickly when we get home.

     Gia, Elliana and I nearly trip over ourselves, tired and woozy, immediately collapsing back to sleep. When we wake up back at the apartment complex, I feel cold again and tired and dizzy. I can feel bruises on my legs from Brady and Sarah during the lift and on my back from when I rolled on Elliana forming. Ouch.

     I slump in the elevator, absolutely exhausted to the bone. What happened with Michelle and Ashley? Is Sarah okay? Is Pressley okay? Why does Elliana have to leave me? It was my fault, wasn't it? Will tomorrow be the last day living like hell? Will I be cut from the team this week?

     I immediately go into the bathroom and wipe the makeup off my cuts, replacing the razor that Elliana took. I feel so bad. I promised her. I promised Elliana I wouldn't do it. Not tonight. 1 day clean, I guess.

     I crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. Why did Mom ever sign me up for this? Why did I agree to this? My life is falling apart. I don't want to be around anymore if this is what my life is going to be like.

~~~~~

     Ah, Sunday. The day I get to eat. How dare you enjoy eating, Lilliana? Since it's Sunday, I can probably skip lunch, so I have 75 calories for breakfast and dinner. Pretty good. I quickly turn my alarm off and I go back to sleep. More time to feel warm.

     I manage to sleep in until eight o'clock when Mom wakes me up. I'm not ready to face the day, so I groan, hoping Mom will leave me alone. I'm so tired and weak. The bruises hurt, and I don't want to feel cold.

     "Wake up. We have to leave in thirty minutes. I'm taking you to the doctors. You've seemed sick for a couple weeks. And please, wear an actual outfit, no sweatpants or sweatshirts," Mom informs me, annoyed.

     I immediately shoot up from my bed at the sound of doctor's. I start shaking and crying. She's taking you to the hospital, Lilliana. You failed.

     "No, no! I'm sorry! I didn't do anything!" I cry out, and Mom immediately changes her behavior.

     "I'm not taking you to the hospital, Lilly Belle. Just the doctor's. They're just going to do some blood work. Nothing special," Mom adds on.

     "No ER?" I sheepishly ask.

     "No ER. Now, since you haven't eaten since Friday, you're going to have to hold off until lunch time" Mom says, and I groan, trying to sound disappointed.

     "I'm going to go take my medicine," I mutter, feeling the cold rush hit me, and the dizziness also hit me, nearly falling.

     "This is why I'm taking you to the doctor's," Mom mutters.

     Ok, let's think about this rationally. Mom's only taking me for bloodwork. There's no way that she thinks that I have an eating disorder if she's just doing blood work. But she's going to get damn suspicious on the scale. This may be the day where my ten week streak of anorexia may be over.

     After taking my Fluoxetine, Cymbalta, and Venlafaxine, I put on a long-sleeved white sweater, a brown corduroy skirt, and white Converse. I look like an ad for Folgers coffee, just staring outside the window and smiling. I do my hair in two braids and forgo makeup, only covering up my cuts. They're looking a bit better.