Before we get on the bus, GiaNina runs out of the room during the last group rehearsal because she thinks Ms. Abby is setting her up to fail with cheesy jazz. I really hope her mom or GiaNina doesn't complain to Ms. Abby. Because that will make GiaNina go from being Ms. Abby's favorite to being the least favorite. I hope she is okay though. I've run out of the studio before, and it's not fun in the slightest.
I sit alone on the bus for the first leg of the two-and-a-half-hour bus ride. My whole row to myself. Ms. Abby said she has some fun games for us to play on the bus. Like categories. It's a game where you pick a category and you go around the circle saying items or stuff that fit in the category. If you can't think of something within ten seconds or repeat something that someone else said, you are out.
The category is Broadway musicals. GiaNina's going to have to crush this or this is going to be embarrassing. The order goes to Ms. Abby, Pressley, Sarah, Me, GiaNina, Brady, Savannah, Hannah. Gianna would've joined, but she's working.
Round 1: "The Phantom of the Opera" "School of Rock" "Cats" "The Lion King" "Matilda" "Les Mis" "Wicked" "Chicago." We all survive Round One.
Round 2: "A Chorus Line" "Mamma Mia!" "Rent" "Newsies" "Annie" "Jersey Boys" "Beauty and the Beast" "Once On This Island." I have a feeling things are going to get ugly pretty soon.
Round 3: "Miss Saigon" "42nd Street" "The Book of Mormon" "Grease" "Fiddler on the Roof" "Cats" Brady's out for repeating Sarah's first-round musical. "Six" "Hairspray"
Round 4: "Tobacco Road" "Newsies" Pressley's out for repeating my second-round musical. "Aladdin" I get out next. Can't even think of a musical. Pathetic, Lilliana. I have to be a good sport. It's still pretty entertaining to watch. "Kinky Boots" "Beetlejuice" "Cabaret"
Round 5: "The Producers" "Pippin" "Hamilton" Savannah can't think of any. "The Wiz". We're down to our final four: Ms. Abby, Sarah, GiaNina, and Hannah.
Round 6: "Waitress" "Dreamgirls" "Arsenic and Old Lace" "The Sound of Music." Nobody gets out this round. I bet this next round will take out some people.
Round 7: "Brighton Beach Memoirs" Sarah panics and can't think of anything. "Cabaret" GiaNina, the Broadway star, lost to Hannah's round four musical. That's surprising. "Dear Evan Hansen." It's now between the dance teacher and the quiet kid. Now we do a back and forth. The same rules apply as before. But it's a lightning round.
Round 8: "The Music Man" "Funny Girl."
Round 9: "Mummenschanz" "Kiss Me Kate."
Round 10: "Cactus Flower" "Guys and Dolls."
Round 11: "Torch Song Trilogy" "In the Heights." Ms. Abby's starting to crumble.
Round 12: "Memphis" "Annie Get Your Gun"
Round 13: Ms. Abby can't think of any musicals. If Hannah can pull this off, this will be the first time that someone would've beat Ms. Abby in a Broadway musical category game. Hannah takes about three seconds before saying, "Mean Girls."
My mouth opens wide in shock. She won. Hannah Colin won. We all clap. Ms. Abby's very impressed, and Hannah seems very content.
When we get into the hotel, I'm rooming with Pressley. Brady's going to watch a movie with us since he was always put into a single room by himself, and he's a little lonely. But I do something bad before the movie begins. Something really bad. Like career-ending bad.
You're going to be nothing if you don't throw up. You're going to fail the dance. It's not going to work because you're stupid. Throw up, Lilliana! Throw up! Throw. Up.
And I do. I crumble. I stick my fingers down my throat and it starts to burn again as the food that I ate comes up. I lost the battle. And I know this isn't going to be a tiny relapse like some other times. Because I can't run to my mother. Or my career will be over. Because I will be forced to go to the hospital. I have to hide this. I can't tell anybody. Good girl, Lilliana.
They can tell that I'm unsettled. Pressley and Brady try to get something out of me. I lie and said I'm fine. That I don't know why they think that I'm unsettled. But I think they can tell something is up.
We watch A Wrinkle In Time. It's a long movie, but it's still a really good movie. Or so I hear. For some reason, Mom had watched it with her friends and wouldn't let me watch it. But she thinks I'm mature enough now.
Everything goes fine up until there is a shot of Veronica Kiley, the enemy, on a scale next to weights. Then there are rules posted on the wall.
No carbs!
No sugar!
No starch!
No fried foods!
No soda or juice!
No dairy!
NO CHEATING!
Veronica has an eating disorder. Just like me. I'm not an ex-bulimic anymore. I just threw up in the bathroom an hour ago. My stomach is cramping, not used to me throwing up anymore but I hide it. I'm good at hiding pain. But that list. That list. That list ignites something that I had never felt before.
You must become Veronica. Do not eat. Do not eat, Lilliana. Not eating is easier than throwing up your food, Lilliana. This urge is telling me to do these horrid actions that I remember were traumatizing for the kids in inpatient. I must have been shaking or something because I hear something in my ear.
"Hey, Lils are you ok? Do we need to get your mom?" Pressley whispers, putting a hand on my knee, bringing me out of the weird trance-like state I was in.
I shake my head frantically, scared they'd tell my mom, whispering back to them, "I'm okay. Don't get my mom, please."
I'm obviously not okay. But they don't want to make me upset by getting my Mom. Especially after I tell them not to. Brady pulls me to him a little for the rest of the movie. He's kind of acting like a big brother. Like he is protecting me. But he can't protect me from my inner demons. Nobody can.
I'm knocked out after Brady left. Out cold. Having the demons inside of you 24/7, self-deprecating you, and shaming you for the way you look all day and night are tiring. I know that two of my teammates, no, friends have got their suspicion on me. But I'm not good at lying anymore. I'll have to get better if I'm going to stop eating.
~~~~~
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Une Fleure Fanée
Fanfiction***MATURE WARNING*** "The hunger is good. You had too many calories already. You're already fat." "They'll love you even more when you're skinny. You'll be their perfect little angel when you're nice and pretty." "Lilly, I heard you puking up the c...
