Une Fleure Fanée

Week 10 Part 3 (Tuesday)

     I'm instantly reminded of the pyramid as I sluggishly wake up. I wonder if I'll be on the top of the pyramid. You don't deserve to be on top of the pyramid, Lilliana. Savannah won and you were on the top for some reason. Even though you definitely didn't deserve that placement.

     Today is a weird day calorie wise. 800 calories. What am I going to do with this much freedom? Just because you can doesn't mean you should, Lilliana. They're right, I probably shouldn't. But I can at least eat some good form of breakfast. Yogurt. Strawberry yogurt.

     But before I can do any of that, I have to get ready. A red ALDC cropped hoodie with a balck sports bra underneath, paired with black leggings. I put my hair in a ponytail like almost every other day, and I take my medicine.

     My wrists are looking a little better. Some of the scars have faded a little bit, so it's a white, pink, and skin-colored mix on my wrists and of course, the three I made on Friday on my elbow. Why did I make some on my elbow? That's an extra step, an extra amount of foundation and precaution I have to take. Oh, well. I guess it's the price I have to pay for emotional release at the end of the day.

    My foundation is running low. Mom goes through my makeup bag every day to see what I'm running out of, so she has to notice soon that I'm running out of concealer and foundation. It takes longer than usual to cover them up. The concealer and the foundation are getting thinner, somehow, because it takes layer upon layer to even get some semi-coverage. After about fifteen minutes of just applying foundation, then concealer, then setting spray time and time again, I finally don't see anything but normal-looking skin. I quickly recreate the vein that has been hidden by the foundation and head to the kitchen.

     My strawberry yogurt is 150 calories, and it's more than I've had in a while. I don't feel as guilty eating it as I probably should, though. It tastes so good, the sweet fruit mixing with the tart yogurt. Savor it, Lilliana. This may be the last time you will ever eat something like this. I guess so. I put my bowl in the sink and I grab my phone and dance bag,

     "Lilly, quick. Brady's mom is taking you and Pressley again. I think you guys are starting to create a little group. You guys have a jumps and turns class before the pyramid today. Go. Don't forget your phone," Mom reminds me, and I show my phone to her before I exit the house.

     As I'm walking down the hallway, something feels really off. My stomach feels so weird with something actually filling, like yogurt, in it. I don't really like the sensation a lot. It makes me feel wrong and bad. You shouldn't feel this way, Lilliana. This feeling means you're fat, extremely fat. You don't deserve to feel this way, especially if you haven't burned any calories yet.

      I take the flights of stairs down to the lobby, getting a headstart on burning some calories. Brady is there and he gives me a fist bump as a greeting. I chuckle at the new greeting but play along as we take a few silly Instagram pictures before Pressley makes her appearance and we're off to the ALDC races.

     The car ride to the ALDC is very uneventful. Pictures, TikTok, a minor traffic jam that almost makes us arrive late to the studio. The usual here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

     Right as we walk in, we're immediately ushered to Studio A for our jumps and turns class. Everybody is here before us. A tad embarrassing, but somebody has to be last, I guess. I'm getting better at some of the moves that were not as clean walking in on Week 1. All of my other friends have improved too. We're getting stronger. You will always be weaker than everybody else, Lilliana. You aren't any better than any of the others here.

     "Lilly, your front aerial walkover is really getting a lot cleaner," Sarah compliments me as Ms. Abby wheels in.

     "Thank you. Yours is really really good, though," I compliment back, and we both giggle.