Une Fleure Fanée

Week 9 Part 6 (Friday)

     I have another nightmare during the night. Same ol' nightmare, but instead of Nurse Charlotte, it's Ms. Abby. Mom doesn't wake me up, once again. I may have also cut myself once in my bedroom, but another bandaid solved the problem of the blood.

     Speaking of the cuts, I should probably look at them. My wrist looks like a cat scratched them up, all of the cuts layered up on top of each other. Some small, some big. Some white, some purple. Some healed, some healing. Nothing a little foundation can't fix.

     You're gonna fall in the straitjacket solo, Lilliana. And then you're vulnerable, and then someone is going to take you to the mental hospital and then you're gonna be fat and you're never going to be a professional actor or dancer when they realize you've had eating disorders.

     I know Ms. Abby is going to make comments about everything. My body, my feet, my emotions. I just know. I chuck another Venlafaxine to my mother's discontent. The Venlafaxine from yesterday probably has completely coursed through my body, so there's a good chance I'll be very loopy and disoriented sometime during the day. Great.

     I decide to wear one of my favorite outfits for dance. A red unitard with a big gold star on it and this low-cut blue dance overalls. Ms. Abby is giving us special permission to not have to wear our hair up, so Mom curls my hair and adds a mini ponytail.

     I at least have double the calories today than I had yesterday, so my stomach may not hurt as much. It doesn't hurt a lot anymore, but it has an annoying sting sometimes. But my body is getting used to it. My clothes are getting looser. The unitard isn't very skin-tight anymore and the overalls are very big.

     I do my makeup, making sure to make it very nice for JoJo. JoJo won't care, Lilliana. She thinks you're worthless anyway. That's why she didn't dance with you in Season 6 and she danced with Elliana. She didn't want to dance with you. What makes you think she'll want to hang out with you now?

     I still apply my makeup and take my medicine. Maybe I shouldn't take them on Sunday just to see what happens when I don't take it. I'll probably be an anxious wreck. But why the hell not?

     "Since we aren't going to ride a bus out anywhere, we will carpool. Ms. Yolanda is taking you and Gia in fifteen minutes, so grab an Ensure. Ms. Joanne and I will carpool there later, so don't wait up," Mom informs me.

    "Okay!" I shout from the bathroom, applying a final layer to my wrists, adding some blue eyeshadow to imply that I have veins.

     I grab my dance bag, my phone, and a normal vanilla Ensure. I give Mom a kiss on the cheek and I leave. Of course, I chuck the Ensure in the trash can near the elevator.

     "I won't be needing it if I wanna be skinny and pretty," I whisper to myself before running down the stairs.

***elliana***

     "Ellie, go ahead and wait in the lobby! I can't find my keys!" Mom yells from her bedroom.

     "See you there!" I shout back before I quickly exit the apartment.

     I see Lilly in the hallway. Instead of running up to her, I walk back and I notice an Ensure in her hand. I wonder what she's going to do with it. I keep my distance, but get a little closer in case she says anything. I notice how loose her clothes are. I see her approach the trash can and I quickly take out my phone to start recording.

     My heart drops as I see the drink descend into the trash can and Lilly whisper under her breath, "I won't be needing this disgusting drink if I wanna be skinny and pretty."