Une Fleure Fanée

Week 9 Part 4 (Wednesday)

     Wednesday. Another day in Dance Moms hell. First off, one of my cuts burst open, so now I have to wear a bandaid on my wrist. If anybody asks me, I can say I accidentally cut myself on a binder for school. Yeah, that will work.

     I pick out the same ALDC sweatshirt with a black sports bra and leggings under it. The same low ponytail. The same skincare and makeup. The same medicine. The constant repetition, the constant routine, every day. The only variables in my life are the dances and the calorie limit. For example, 100 calories today instead of the 150 calories yesterday.

     Only 50 grams of oatmeal today. It's very tiny, but I need something to eat. My stomach hurts all day and I'm tired of it. Only 34 calories. You don't deserve the oatmeal, Lilliana. You haven't burned any calories today yet. Plus, you wanna try to look your best for JoJo. I pick at the oatmeal, not wanting to eat it, but I do. I need it.

     "Lilly, taking Brady and Gia like old times ok? My car," Mom hurriedly informs me before grabbing her coffee.

     I rush to get my shoes and my dance bag, along with my phone and run out the door. Why are we rushing? We have like, ten minutes until we normally leave? I shrug and run down the stairs with Mom. Gia is waiting, but Brady isn't here. Ms. Joanne and Mom begin to chat and that leaves Gia and I. I sit down next to her in one of the comfy chairs.

     "Are we gonna do our old formation in the car? Remember, me and Brady were near the window seats and you were smashed in the middle," Gia asks, giggling at the end.

     I shrug, not giggling, looking at the ground. I can't fake my sadness today. Gia furrows her eyebrows and uses two of her fingers to lift my head to look at her.

     "Are you okay? You can talk to me about anything," Gia reminds me and I almost give in, longing to break down, but I smile weakly and reply, "I'm fine."

     Weakest excuse in the book, I know, and I can tell Gia doesn't believe me. She let's it go, though, beginning to text someone on her phone. Gia's gonna tell your mom, Lilliana. Good luck getting your way out of this situation so you can continue to not eat.

***brady***

     I'm double-checking my dance bag, making sure I have all of my materials necessary for dance as I get a text from Gia.

     Gia: Something's wrong with Lilly and her depression. Be gentle.

     Before I can reply back, Mom yells for me to hurry up. Lilly has depression? What? And what does she mean by, "be gentle?" I rush out of my apartment and I go down to the elevator.

***lilly***

    I wish I had a backup depression medicine. Maybe that would help. Brady looks at Gia and then at me. They know something's up. I could care less today, though. I look at the ground, hands in imaginary pockets as I shuffle to Mom's car. I have to be happier with the camera. I climb my way into the middle, smashed behind the two teenagers, who talk excitedly about something.

     "Are you excited Lilly?" Mom asks me.

     "What?" I ask, suddenly snapping out of the bleak train of thought I have delved into.

     "Are you excited about getting to see JoJo again? And that you get to do a solo for her?" Mom fills me in.

     I stumble in my quest to find the appropriate words, replying with a simple, "Yeah. It's exciting,"

     Gia rubs my shoulder sympathetically, and quickly covers up for me, saying "Tired, huh?"

     I get the hint and nod, leaning my head on the seat, convincing Mom that I don't have a lot of energy today. Brady and Gia let me stay quiet and don't try to introduce me into the conversation in an attempt to "allow me to regain energy."