Une Fleure Fanée

Week 14 Part 2 (Monday)

***lilly***

     I slowly open my eyes, and a wave of fatigue hits me, almost forcing me to close my eyes again, but something tells me to stay awake. I hear the humming of machines, the beeping of monitors, and a hard surface on my back. My chest is still in a lot of pain, making me wince as I force myself to observe my surroundings.

     I notice I am a lot colder than I usually am. There is a thin white blanket on me, and I'm not wearing the sweatshirt and sweatpants they changed me into. What am I wearing? A thin blue dress with my cuts exposed. Weird.

     I look to my sides. Rails. Plastic rails. I'm so confused. I look up and I see nobody. I'm all alone. As I find the monitors with my heartbeat and blood pressure, the white tile sprinkled with dashes of colors, and the sickening smell, my stomach drops. I'm in a hospital.

     The walls start closing in. I feel like I can't breathe. I hesitate to press the red button on the side that signals for help, though. I need to breathe. I try to take a deep breath through my nose, but something is stuck in there.

     I flare my nostrils in an attempt to take the object out of my nose, but it won't get out. Is my phone nearby? A mirror? I also begin to notice the tape up my face. Is it all connected?

     Through my panic attack, I feel up my face and sure enough, it is connected. It's like a string, or like a thin tube. I force myself to calm down enough so that I can see clearly. My eyes travel the thin tube to a bag hanging from a pole.

     The bag is filled with this tan fluid. I suddenly remember these in the inpatient unit. I remember having one at one point. My face and stomach fall as I recognize it as a feeding tube.

     I feel like I can't breathe. I start to cry. Oh my god, how many calories have I had? How many pounds have I gained? So many calories, Lilliana. Take out the feeding tube or else you'll become fat.

     I find the two pieces of tape holding the feeding tube to my face. The good thing is medical tape doesn't hurt as bad as Scotch tape. I tear it off and now the feeding tube is hanging from my face. I then start tugging on it.

     I feel it tickling my throat, making me gag and retch, but I think of how many calories this tube has force-fed me. I hear a small ringing go off, but I could care less as tears stream down my face, and I keep pulling.

     As I get almost the entire tube out of my system, trying to calculate the calories despite not even knowing, some lady rushes into the room. A nurse. I must have touched the call button. Crap.

     "Honey, I need you to calm down," a nurse says as she grabs my wrist, trying to get me to stop.

     I start to scream in fear as I keep pulling the tube out, continuing to gag the entire time as it travels up my throat. The nurse pages someone, and I continue crying until I finally pull the tube out.

     The nurse tries to calm me down, but I just keep crying, "Leave me alone! I want my Mom!"

     Where is she? She knows I hate hospitals. She'd be here to calm me down and tell me everything's gonna work out. But she's not. During my little meltdown, another nurse comes in. He's holding something shiny in his hand, and it gives me a lot of anxiety not knowing what it is.

     "Honey, I need you to hold still," the nurse holding the object tells me.

     He takes my wrist gently, and I immediately start screaming again in fear. After a couple of minutes of treacherous and terrifying wrestling, a couple more nurses come rushing in and start pinning me down.