Une Fleure Fanée

Week 6 Part 1 (Sunday)

     I feel a light round pressure on my shoulder. My eyes crack open to see Sarah there. I'm still wearing what I changed into on the bus: a navy oversized baggy sweatshirt and black leggings. You look so fat in the leggings, Lilliana.

     "Yo, wake up. Ms. Abby says the bus is leaving in two hours. Help me wake up the other kids. Also, you slept for like an insane twelve hours last night," Sarah whispers.

     "I have to take my pill first," I whisper to her, reaching under my pillow to the translucent orange bottle that contains the white pills. Take the meds, Lilliana. You'll need them.

     Sarah stares at the bottle and asks while I down a pill, "What's the meds for?"
I don't lie to her because it's useless to lie about it. "It's to make sure I don't become bulimic again."

     She rubs my shoulder and smiles sadly. She acts like my past eating disorder and the medicine is a weakness. I look down ashamed, tucking the pill back in its place: under the pillow. I remember that today I can eat up to 500 calories today. At least I get to eat today. Don't you dare go over, Liliana.

     I quickly put back on a mischievous smile and look Sarah directly in the eye. It's time to wake up everybody. I get up from the mattress and tie my tangled hair back with a hair tie. I hang from the railings from my feet and I curl up, reaching my hands on either side of my feet.

     "Gia. Wake up. We have to leave in two hours," I whisper and she jumps back in surprise. I uncurl my legs and I'm just hanging by my arms.

     I drop the foot to the ground before waking up Savannah. Sarah gets Hannah, Pressley, and Brady up. We start getting ready to pack up. I can't wear dance clothes back to Pittsburgh, so I pull out the other outfit I brought.

     A pink button-up shirt with some form of cats on it. It's big so it covers my insecurities. I wear pink jeans and Hoka One One Ahkari's. I put in gold stud earrings and put my hair in pigtails. I put on some lip gloss so it looks like I have my life together. You look so fat in this outfit Lilliana. You should have chosen some sweats or something oversized.

     I sit next to Brady again on the bus. He's taking up two spots, and there are only two spots on every side, so I'm squished in the corner. He's purposely annoying me. It's all in good fun, but it's uncomfortable. About fifteen minutes, he finally stops taking up two spots, and I can finally get comfortable.

     For the rest of the bus ride, I allow myself to eat a chocolate chip Clif bar while me and Brady watch Teen Beach Movie on the old computer that I have on the bus. I didn't eat yesterday, and I need to be alive at least to be pretty. The protein bar has 240 calories. Approximately half my calories. 260 calories left. 260 calories. Don't go over Lilliana. Don't go over Lilliana.

     The amount of food I'm allowed to have is so drastic compared to what I taught myself the past week is safe. I internally wince in discomfort, feeling the food go down my throat. Nobody notices, and I know I'm gonna feel sick and disgusting for the rest of the day even though the diet said I can eat. There's a reason you feel sick, Lilliana. Food and you don't mix.

     When we get back to the apartment, Brady looks sad. I suddenly remember that in his house are the few packed suitcases that Brady and his mom packed before the competition. He's driving back to Miami over two days. It's all your fault, Lilliana. If only you have danced better.

     The whole gang goes to Brady's apartment once we drop off our dance bags at our apartments. We all decide to watch one last movie together. It's Lilo and Stitch. Lilo almost gets taken away by CPS, but she gets to stay with Nani and Stitch. Brady's being pulled from the team, but maybe he'll return back to his ALDC family.

     Once the movie is over, it's time for Brady and Brady's mom to start driving back to Miami. We're all sobbing, in tears, as we say goodbye. I hug him really tight, and I don't want to let go. It's like losing a big brother. Awful. By the end, GiaNina is the only one able to talk

     "We're gonna miss you so much," GiaNina mumbles before she also isn't able to talk either, tears overpowering her vocal chords.

     We all have a group hug for one last time and I can feel the mother's presence around us, taking Instagram stories and photos, because we're now allowed to promote Dance Moms Season 8. What a perfect time to take photos of a group hug when we're depressed and sobbing because we're losing a friend. We're losing a family member. We're losing a piece of us. It's all your fault, Lilliana.

     I don't deal with dramatic changes very well. When I was stuck in a hospital for a week, it was not a fun time. When I went to LA for Dance Moms when I was seven and eight, I would cry myself to sleep every night for the first month because I was homesick and because my stomach was always in aching pain. When I first came to Pittsburgh, it wasn't an easy transition. Now Brady not being here is a major change.

     We all run up and hug him again before he gets in the car. I cling on the longest, not wanting to let go. I'm eventually pulled away by GiaNina and she holds me tight as we all watch as they get in the car and the car drives away. Crying, we all hug each other, trying to comfort each other. We just lost a friend. We just lost family.

     I don't know how to describe the feeling. It's like when you're in the dark, and you're walking up stairs. And you take a step but there's no stairs to step on and you just fall. You're lost and you don't know what's coming up next or when you're gonna hit the ground.

    Now GiaNina and I just have each other. Nobody's moving to the Ladybug, so it's just us. We consider going over to one of the other kid's apartment, but we just hang out in my apartment. We do a couple of Tik Tok videos, but we're so tired from the competition and we miss Brady, so we just look on social media and watch a bunch of videos on YouTube.

     For dinner, Mom says I can get whatever I want from the fridge for dinner. She doesn't feel like making anything. Perfect. I have 260 calories left. We have some Lucky Charms. One serving is 103 calories. I pour out ¾ cup of Lucky Charms and put in 26 calories worth of milk. 129 calories for dinner. 129 calories, Lilliana? You could have had water for dinner instead, you know? 

     The sweetness of the food makes me shiver with disgust. My hands are shaky when I pick up my utensil, but I have to eat or else Mom will get suspicious. It takes a long time, but not enough to cause concern. No more Lucky Charms.

     I can't believe I've eaten 369 calories. That's me trying my best to eat. But at least I stayed under 500 calories. Tomorrow, I also have a 500 calorie limit. I feel so disgusting. You should be disgusted, Lilliana. I want to throw up everything so bad. But it's risky, and I don't want to go back to the hospital because I was caught throwing up the huge amount of food I just ate.

     But I still go to the bathroom to weigh myself. I haven't weighed myself in two days. Beep. 74 pounds. I only lost .7 pounds. It was that damn Chick-Fil-A! I don't understand. I never ate more than 200 calories last week! It's weight that came off, but it's not enough. Nothing changed about the way I look. I look just as fat as I did two days ago. Should I be relieved or angry? You're still so fat, Lilliana. Look at that stomach. That looks like the stomach of someone who ate! You're such a disappointment.

     I hate my life. I'm not a good enough dancer. I'm too short. I'm not skinny enough. I miss Brady. I cry myself to sleep, tears dampening my pillow. I could care less. All I can think about is how much food I've eaten today. My whole life is starting to crumble. But I have to pretend I'm on stable ground tomorrow. I need to pretend I'm on a stair instead of falling in pitch black.

~~~~~