My chosen one (+18/ SMUT)

The sea is inside of her

DISCLAIMER: self-harm, suicidal thoughts and more...

INSPIRATIONS: CORALINE -by Maneskin

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Y/N's POV

"I just wish I could hate him!" I scream from the top of my lungs. On one hand, I want to hate him. I really want to, but why can't I after all he's done? He used me and still, I can't get him off my mind. The way he made me feel, not only in bed but also every other time we spent together... and I know he felt the same way.

But on the other hand he broke me badly this time. I don't know if I can ever look at him the same way. I still can't get the look of him out of my head, when he told me to get out of his life, he didn't even look at me. It's like he didn't want to do this, but had to. Maybe someone forced him? No, no, no, don't make excuses for him, y/n, I tell myself.

He could have told you and you would have figured out a way to still see each other. You did nothing wrong this time. You didn't rush anything. This time it's all his fault. I hate to do this but I'll confront him. He'll have to tell me why he did it and then both can move on. Yes, I'll confront him. Not tomorrow, maybe next week.

I take off my flower crown and admire the flowers one last time. I really love the blue ones. They have a yellow core and their petals have dark blue inner corners and the ends are in a light shade of baby-blue. The mixture of the colours looks like an ocean.

A deep ocean. A peaceful deep ocean, who could turn stormy. An ocean you could so easily drown in. Drowning. It sounds peaceful. Going under water, holding your breath to a point where your head feels like it'd explode every second and then you open your mouth to let the water in. Cold water. The feeling of your lungs filling with cold water, the feeling of slowly drifting to the ground, the feeling of slowly drifting out of this world. The feeling of your feeling slowly being washed away by the cold water, the feeling of being emotionless. No love, no happiness, no sadness, no pain. Pian, no pain, no screams, just the sound of the water, filling your ears. Silence. A peaceful cold silence. Darkness-

My thoughts get interrupted by coldness overflowing my head. I try to breathe, I can't breathe. I feel so light, light as a feather. I feel myself drifting into the darkness. Silence.

I hear whispers. A woman's voice. A friendly warm voice. My mother's voice, "be strong, be brave". The words she'd tell me when I have my lows. I open my eyes and see a light coming from the surface. I use my strength to push myself through the cold until I reach it. I break it with my hands, From my mouth escapes a loud gasp.

I pull my body to the shore. I cough, but I can breathe again. My mascara is running down my face. My lips are purple from the cold water. My uniform is wet as a rag and my skin is pale.

The fairies are asleep, so are all the other creatures down here, in this beautiful place. I'm alone in the darkness of the night. I should go back to school. I try to push myself up. My legs are weak, shaking. I'm weak. I don't want to be weak. I'm strong, I should be strong, but how if I just wanted to drown myself?

I'm cold, no I'm freezing. I don't want to freeze. I'm warm, I want to be warm, no... loved, yes loved I want to be. I am, but not from the person I should be... The person I wanted to wake up next to for the rest of my life.

I take a deep breath and use a drying carm. The warm air hits my body. It's warm. Now I'm warm. I take a step, I'm strong. I am, I did pull myself out of the water, I could have let the cold and darkness take over me, but I didn't.

Love... no love.

I walk back to the entry of the tunnel and look back at the lake, the waterfall and the tree, the yew tree. I walk into the darkness. Lumos is lighting up my path back to school. Taking right and left turns I realize that I have no clue where I'm going but I have the feeling of knowing the path.