Dumb Decisions (Resse AU)

Part 24

This chapter contains a bit of homophobia and a homophobic slur so if you're not in the right mindset don't read it xx

Also Celina, I promised you you wouldn't get mad at Jesse time, and I always keep my promises.

~Rob's perspective~

I have been pacing around my apartment for half an hour now. How could I possibly explain why I was crying?

"Oh yeah hey I was just crying because I kinda wanna go back to my old life lol"

Yeah, that would work pretty well. I roll my eyes at my thoughts. I could say it was a shock to see him? But why? He didn't say anything bad per se, right?

My mind has troubles remembering the actual conversation. I massage my forehead in an attempt to remember what happened exactly. He tried to come in- Blur- I told him I was not interested anymore. Cool, now the blurry part. Did he say anything to hurt me? Not directly, and I don't want to set up Jesse against Sjoerd. 

Didn't he start crying somewhere? Yes he did! I can just say I started crying because I saw him crying! Okay, okay, we got a plan. I take a deep breath and look around. My apartment is still a mess from my hasty leave a week ago. Was it a week ago? Arriving at his house last week didn't feel as far as a week, although today did feel like an entire month.

It was impossible to focus on the meeting today. Sjoerd would just not leave my head, and Jesse looking worried didn't help.

I look back at the mess that is my apartment. There's so much I need to clean. Putting back all of the clothes I tried on that didn't look as good as I expected, organize all the documents piling of the kitchen table, some clean dishes that needed to go back to their place and of course vacuuming. 

Has Jesse texted yet? I grab my phone, knowing fully well I'm only doing this to distract myself from cleaning. No messages from him, but a news article with my name did make it into my notifications:

Did Jesse Klaver grab Rob Jette's hand? #Resse shippers around the world are going crazy over 3 seconds of footage.

I can't help but smile when I watch the very short clip. It was very reassuring to feel his hand around mine, even when it didn't last longer than a second. I open TikTok and yes, the first video that pops up is a slow-mo of the moment, combined with our other "moments". I watch his face closely. 

There's that longing look again, his facial features that soften, his eyes that light up. It warms my heart when I see it. I open up the comments. 

"They're so cute I can't-"

"Okay, how did I return to Resse TikTok?"

"The hand squeeze I can't-"

"They thought they were so subtle"

But then I see one that rips my heart out again.

"Why do I keep seeing these *f-slur* on my fyp?"

My throat starts to hurt and I feel tears coming up. Don't let it get to you Rob. You get these kind of comments on a daily basis, they're either uninformed or they have their own issues to deal with. 

But I do let it get to me. It doesn't bother me that I get called a slur, I get so many messages calling me that. But for some reason it hurts to have backlash on this "relationship". I always knew that there would be people against our love, against any love I have for that matter, but because we were so private I just forgot about it. It felt like a normal thing, like something everybody would be okay with. The only people I took into account were Sjoerd and Jolein, but those two would probably be upset with any relationship we would have, and because of other reasons. These people were complete strangers, upset because we are of the same gender, maybe even hurting other people in their proximity because of it.

And it hurt me to see Jesse be called a slur. It was to be expected, but it's just wrong, especially since he isn't out publicly. I scroll to the next video, again a cute edit. I keep consuming the content, looking at the relationship I appear to have, longing for the intimacy on the screen, wanting to have the romanticized idea these people have to be true, yearning for that perfect relationship.

But reality is never perfect. In reality we stay hidden, in reality there are people calling us slurs, in reality I'm even doubting the relationship. It would be so much easier to return to Sjoerd, to go back to the dog, going back to the old normal. Return to a relationship that doesn't hurt anyone.

Or would it hurt Jesse? He seemed relieved that I said no, or was that my own projection? Did he look sad? As if TikTok reads my mind a video pops up of us having our written conversation.

"These cuties think we won't see them writing secret notes to each other..."

Great, so now they know we wrote notes. Doesn't matter. I watch his face closely. What was his facial expression? I count in my head where I would be in the conversation. Right... here. I pause the video and bring the phone closer. What is this expression? Is this relief? Is this disappointment? Is it both?

Does he want Jolein back? I can't even help thinking it. Maybe he missed his old life as much as I did? Maybe he also liked whatever we had, explaining his relief, but also wanted to go back to normal, explaining the slight disappointment? Or was I just making this up?

I wish I could look inside of his head, I wish he would just tell me every single thing going through his mind. I want to call him up and ask him if he felt the same way as me. But what if he didn't? What if I made this up in my head, projected my own feelings on him?

And even if we shared those feelings, what would we do? I don't know if I could just go back to  friends, to colleagues. We would be caught in a dilemma; a stable home or a passionate affair. A familiar, calm relationship or a new, exciting one.