Dumb Decisions (Resse AU)

Part 26

~Jesse's perspective~

How could I possibly explain what I did? How did I smile back at him when he smiled at me, unknowing of my betrayal. I don't even know what we are, but I know I hurt him, even when he didn't know it yet.

I told him I loved him and I hurt him. I deliberately hurt him. I did exactly what he said I would do. I gave as much meaning to his words as he told me I would. I deliberately hurt him. And I didn't even try to make it better. I didn't even try to get her out after, or tell her that she needed to go, or that it was a mistake. Now I got her hopes up as well, and I put myself into the impossible position of having to choose.

When he wasn't there it seemed like such an obvious decision, it seemed so rational. We never established what we were. We never communicated the limits of our relationship. Even after all this time it still felt like a friendship, but isn't there a limit to friendship? This must be it then. I used this nescience and used it the way that was so blatantly wrong that I can't stop wondering how I could make such a dumb decision.

The entire day I felt so worthless, alone, unhappy. Guilt kept washing over me in waves, each wave feeling higher, becoming harder to handle. Each wave feeling like it could drown me.
And why shouldn't the waves drown me? I kept on looking at him. My eyes are drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

Every time he held his pen the way that he does, a wave hit me. When he tugged his jacket when he got up, a wave hit me. Even when he was just walking to the interruption mic or taking the stand my guilt made it hard to breathe. But still my eyes couldn't stop admiring every little detail of his face. No matter how hard the waves hit me, my heart still lifted when I saw that little smirk on his face, I could still feel my throat becoming dry when I saw that little spark in his eyes, when he thought of a response. But the happiness makes the guilt hit even harder. And even that guilt was more bearable than the guilt that hit me every time his eyes flashed over to me, looking for support or comfort, the little smile that followed crushing my heart.

How did I ever think it couldn't be enough? That he wouldn't be enough? My heart aches but I still don't know what it wants. It got even more confused when my phone lit up. It was Jolein.

"Hey you ;) I checked with my sister and she can take over the kids again."

"Trying to get out of your duties I see."

"Actually trying to get them back full time...."

I saw it coming. How many times did I wish she would say something like this? How many times did I dream about what would happen last night?

I looked up at Rob. There it was again, that sparkle. I saw Cherry adjusting the mic nervously. He tried to keep his posture, tried to stay above Rob, but they both knew Rob was right and that there was nothing to do about it. Rob's eyes flashed to mine, and he made his final move as I texted

"I need a bit more time."

Cherry walked away after being so obviously defeated, immediately starting to write furiously as he sat down, multiple papers being shoved his way. Rob's shoulders moved a bit more backwards, his chin a little bit more up while he grabbed his glass and took a sip. His eyes met mine, and I gave a small thumbs up but quickly focused back on my phone when I saw another message pop up.

"Of course, take as much time as you need."

And now the guilt is hitting me again. His eyes sparkling as he talks about the day.