Dumb Decisions (Resse AU)

Part 29

~Jesse's perspective~

The cabinets hurt against my back, but I deserve it. I wish I could get up, leave and never return, somehow find a way to undo everything, but I can't. As soon as he left the room, all of my energy left and I couldn't stand anymore. I wanted to cry but no tears came out.

"HOW FAR DID YOU GO GODDAMMIT"

My head hurts from hearing it again and again. I did it, I made Rob Jetten angry. Really angry, I made him yell at me and I deserved every bit of it. He saw through everything, every little lie I tried to tell to not hurt his feelings. But every little lie hurt him more.

"You know, it makes it ten times worse that you are still trying to lie your way out of this. You keep on lying Jesse. Is anything you said true? Or is this just another secret you're trying to cover up, another fun little story you can fabricate?"

Why did I lie? Why didn't I immediately go to him and tell him what I had done, begged for forgiveness instead of trying to cover it up with sweet words and false promises? And how did I kept making it worse by lying about everything that happened? Why couldn't I just tell the truth?

I hear the shower turn off, but I don't move. Soon, he'll come out and see me sitting here. What will he do?

Will he yell at me again? Because I deserve it.

Will he calmly explain how disappointed he is again? Because I deserve that even more.

Will he try to get back together? Because I don't deserve it, and neither does he.

Or will he just ignore me? Just walk out of this place, and with that, out of my life. What will he do at work? We still have one week left of debates before the vacation starts. Will he just quietly ignore me? I really hoped I could keep it together for one week more, just so he didn't have to see me, just so we could let everything cool down, but this was already doomed to fail.

I finally hear the door unlock and his weight move across the room. I want to do something, I want to let him know how sorry I am, but I can't move. I hear him put on his shoes, and hear the heels of his shoes clack softly towards me.

"I'll see you at work."

His voice is hard, but his hand is soft. A soft brush through my hair that sends shivers down my spine. But I realize this is the last time I will ever feel his hand in my hair. This is not meant to be a redemption, it's the perfect punishment.

His hand falls back and he walks back into the room. I hear keys jingling and his phone scrape against the wooden table. I want to apologize, let him know how I feel, but I don't know how.

I hear the door open and I blurt out

"I'm sorry."

I don't dare to look up as I hear his weight shift. His next words are harsh, sharp and ice cold.

"I doubt you are."

I look up, but he has already turned around. The door slams as it falls into it's frame. A tear finally finds it's way out as my heart shatters. The rest of it's friends follow suit, making my skin sting. I really fucked up.

He doesn't even believe I'm sorry. I'm in complete shock while I'm looking at the door, hoping he will come back again, just so I can truly show how much I regretted everything, how much guilt had been flowing through my body since the first nice thought about Jolein had entered my mind.

When I finally look at the clock, it's 8 AM. I slowly get up, my back sore from the handles on the cabinets. In the same slow rhythm I gather all of my belongings and somehow get out of the house. Walking to my car was worse than the walk of shame. Nobody was there to see me, but I still felt judged, as if millions of eyes were looking at me, and knowing what I did.

I don't know how I got home, but I'm suddenly turning my key and walking into the familiar setting. It hurts to see the couch we talked so many times, to see the kitchen where it all escalated, to walk on the stairs he helped me up when I was feeling down and to walk past the bedroom where it all started in the first place.

The water is hot, but not hot enough. I turn up the heat until it hurts. But it isn't enough. I turn the heat all the way down, until it's freezing. But it isn't enough. It'll never be enough.
I try to wash my face, try to see if it helps, but it doesn't. The tears come back to mix with the clean water. It ends up in my nose, which is annoying, but still not enough.

I lean against the cold wall, my mind not comprehending shit.

"I doubt you are."

I punch the wall, scream, cry and eventually just sit on the floor, trying to let the water take me. How did I do it? How could I do it?
Every thought hurts, every movement of my body hurts.

I still get out somehow, my towel hurting when I rub myself dry. I look in the mirror. I somehow don't look like the mess I am. I guess this is another lie I can fabricate.

Walking into the kitchen hurts, but I ignore the feeling as I check my phone. No messages. I go to Rob's chat and scroll through the messages. There's not a lot in there, but I still delete the incriminating ones.

I open up the other chat, and take a deep breath. Should I? My fingers have already typed it, my thumb hovering over the "send" button. I look around, feeling as empty as the room around me. Phantoms of the past haunt me, phantom sounds, phantom sights, phantom smells, phantom touches. I can't stay alone in this house. I hit send.

"I want to try again."