Dumb Decisions (Resse AU)

Part 28

~Rob's perspective~

When I come back from my run, Jesse is standing in the kitchen, and he looks very tired.

"You're looking bright."

Just a grunt back. A shadow, a hidden memory falling behind me. Just like those six months every year. Did something really change?

"I told you to go to sleep yesterday."

"How do you have so much energy? You slept less than me."

"A jog always helps to let the energy flow. You would know if you would care to join me."

I didn't mean to say it, but I did. The thing that had been bugging me the entire run: Jesse not even wanting to try, not even considering spending some of his time with me and working on his health. Sjoerd had tried multiple times, and even though this morning seemed familiar, the sympathy I felt for my partner was not, because he didn't even attempt to put in effort. I try to let it seem casual, not something to respond to, by grabbing a glass of water, but the damage has been done.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh nothing."

Ice. Ice. I need ice. I avoid his eyes by looking into the freezer.

"No, there's clearly something that's upsetting you, what is it."

"It's nothing, really!"

I grab the ice tray, the coldness stinging my skin, but not as much as the coldness from the other side of the room.

"What, did you want me to be all excited to get up earlier and exercise?"

Ice falls into the glass, making a crunching sound, loud, but not loud enough to fill the silence I don't want to fill.

"Did you really expect me to do that?"

Suddenly it snaps. The annoyance that has been building up in me snaps.

"Well, I expected you to at least try!"

"Are you kidding me? What kind of man would-"

"Sjoerd did. He failed, but he tried."

"Oh, perfect Sjoerd! Well Jolein never asked me to do anything and you don't see me making a problem out of it."

"Oh, well sorry for wanting to spend my favorite time of the day with my partner! But if you don't want me asking then I'll no longer ask! But you could've also responded with a little more respect to my good habits!"

"Well I'm sorry for not being able to read your mind, but if you wanted enthusiasm why didn't you stay with Sjoerd then?"

"Why didn't you stay with Jolein?"

"Because I didn't know you would ask these questions that I'm supposed to answer like a different person!"

"Well I didn't know you would make fun of me for liking to exercise!"

"And I didn't know you would go so upset about something so small!"

"And I didn't know you would crawl back when you were the one who wanted this to be public in the first place!"

I shut my mouth immediately, hoping that by closing it the words will magically disappear. Will make them magically not be said in the first place. But the world doesn't work like that. Words will turn into the sharpest weapon you know, cutting deep and hurting more than any visible wounds ever could, lasting longer than the physical world could imagine. Cutting through every thread that connected you with the person. I can see him getting startled, see his eyes widen, watch at his mouth becomes just a stripe, the muscles of his body that have softened so many times before my eyes tensing up.