Dumb Decisions (Resse AU)

Part 27

~Rob's perspective~

Silent tears flow out of my eyes as I stare at the dark wall before me, the saltiness stinging my skin as they try to follow my face, but inevitably get pulled away by gravity, falling of skin only to be stopped by my pillow. They sting like the heat from his body stings my back. 

I don't understand why he responded like this. Did I ask it too fast? But why would we keep this a secret? This extremely delicate but dare I say beautiful thing, and it's hidden from everybody. Why wouldn't we talk about how he took me in his arms that one time, my head nuzzled into his neck, and how danced all of our worries away.

I turn around to face him. His eyes are surprisingly closed, but a tear has decided to stay on his cheekbone, reflecting the moonlight. I follow the contours of his face, but they reveal nothing about what is happening in his mind. 

My heart aches when I look at the spot my head would be lying, but my brain knows to not move over. He wanted to be public from the first moment, he was the one who seemingly had no problem hurting her and now he was the one to hurry back to the safety of secrecy. What changed?

My eyes follow his nose to his brows and the brown curls covering them. Underneath those curls lies the answer to that question. What could have possibly happened? He did start talking to Jolein again... could he.. No. I really have to stop thinking about him having the same struggles as I.

But he could be wanting an adequate relationship with her for his children. I know how much his children mean to him. Our relationship could destroy the fragile seedling that had barely been replanted. Just a friendly relationship, nothing else.

One week of taking the kids, one week with me. One week working, one week with him. Both of us tasting our old life. How couldn't he see that not going public would only help us, never being able to go back to our old lives. Our old lives....

My mind wanders back to the past years. Six months working without having anyone to come home to, just me and my work. Six months of me being able to do whatever I want. Being happy when Sjoerd came back, and spending six months with somebody to come home to, not just me and my work. Six months balancing work and a normal life like so many people have to struggle with. How much I loved this arrangement. So much freedom for such a long time.

How much freedom would I have in this next arrangement? I used to have complete freedom at work, Sjoerd would only plan in things like lunch a long time before. And sure sometimes people would swoop in at work and ask me to grab something together, but I could always see it as work related. A better relationship with your coworkers could help you a lot in politics. 

But Jesse used to also just be work. Sure, there was happiness when I saw him, or when he asked me if I wanted to get ice cream or lunch, but I could always classify it as work. I could always say no. But now he would randomly come in, just because he wanted to see me. And sure, I liked the little kiss and the hug from behind when he asked me what I was doing, but I would rather have a week of work Jesse, just how we worked before.

I look at the man next to me again. Jesse wasn't used to that. He was used to just spend time with his significant other the entire time. I remember the frustration on his face when the debate would go on for way too long, and how fast he would leave just to put his kids to bed. How could I ever give him the time he deserves? I'm always busy with work, I always want to do more. I forget everything when I'm focusing, I never randomly go to his office. I never rushed home to Sjoerd. 

I look at his alarm over his shoulder. 2 AM. 3 hours of sleep. Perfect. Enough sleep to go on a nice run. I look at Jesse's sleeping face. He never even tried to run with me. Sjoerd had tried many times, sometimes not making it out of his sleep and sometimes not making it halfway through the run. But Jesse never even considered going with me...

My eyes glide back to my spot and my heart is torn. Am I still mad at him? I don't think I am. And I feel like the end is nearing. Soon he will realize I'm not the one who's perfect for him. Soon he will realize how I never come into his office. Soon he will realize what the real priority in my life is.

Hesitantly I move over to his side. I fit perfectly against his sleeping figure. My head finds his chest and I softly hear his heart beating. My eyes feel so tired after crying, and I can feel them closing without me having to do anything. I feel his arms moving around me, one hand caressing my hair.

"So you're not mad at me anymore?"

It's so nice to feel his voice when I'm lying on his chest.

"Don't flatter yourself, I was cold."

A soft chuckle and a small kiss on top of my head.

"Sure you were. Are you still going on a run?"

"I might run away now."

"Very funny."

"But yeah, I'm still going on a run."

He sighs and holds me closer.

"So I'll only have you for three hours?"

"If you don't join me on my run than yeah."

"Is that supposed to be accusing."

"No, not per se."

"And are you still mad?"

"I just want to sleep."

"Okay goodnight."

"Goodnight."