Dishing The Dirt: Nikki Sixx • Mötley Crüe •

Chapter 46: The Comeback

The rest of rehab was such a fucking drag. Therapy was hard, probably harder than actually giving up the drink and drugs. Having to let my guard down to a complete stranger was terrifying for me, especially when I spent my entire life building a wall up around myself and the only people I'd ever completely trusted enough to let in were Razzle and Nikki. I was scared that therapy wouldn't work for me and I'd open myself up only to be worse off, but going through all the chapters of my life, including what had happened with Dave and my mum, really helped me realise that a lot of things weren't my fault. It really gave me a new perspective on life and helped me develop this sense of self awareness that I never had before.

Athena and the guys visited most days to work on new music and stuff, but Razzle visited me every single day, and honestly... I don't think I would have done as well as I did if he wasn't there to support me. Like always, he helped talk a lot of sense into me and helped me rationalise everything instead of me handling things my usual fly off the handle way.

The staff at the facility tried to work with me to form a plan to help me transition back into society but their one size fits all method didn't exactly work for me. Razzle was the one who helped me feel like I wasn't alienated anymore and told them what would work with my lifestyle. Everyday he'd tell me all the stuff that had been happening outside of the same 4 walls I was confided to and we didn't keep secrets. I'll admit, it was a little awkward when he told me he met Nikki at a barbecue my dad hosted. I mean considering mine and Razzle's past and Nikki's jealousy, I'm surprised the two of them were even able to sit in the same room together!

I never told Nikki, but my dad adored Razzle and loved to talk about the two of us to anyone who would listen. The thing is, Razzle was my first everything. My first friend, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first I love you. He was the first guy to take me on a date and the guy I lost my virginity to. Me and Razzle had known each other since we were in pre school and the love we shared for each other was unconditional and it had always been that way. But, things happened...

We shared a secret that we vowed to take to our graves and it was so horrific, we actually broke up over it after being together for so many years. After that we got on with our lives, I got with Dave, he couldn't stand it so he moved to London, me and Dave separated and eventually I moved to Hollywood. We went our separate ways but we always stayed friends.

After a few therapy sessions of going round in circles, repeating myself, ranting and even crying. I managed to find a lot of forgiveness in my heart. I forgave Dave and Lita for everything they'd put my through, I figured that they actually had a lot of insecurities between them that were never my fault and I actually felt sorry for them. Even though I never got an apology or a phone call, I forgave Ashley. Deep down I knew she never meant the stuff she said that night at my launch party, and I missed her a lot but holding onto the anger and hurt was only poisoning my own mind. I forgave Nikki and my dad after seeing things from their perspective and realising how scary it must have been for them.

Even though I'd turned a leaf and started to forgive and let go of all the things I'd been harbouring, I still rejected everyone's visitation unless it was the band, Sean or Razzle. I called my dad once but that was just to help plan my mums funeral. He tried to talk about things but I told him over and over again that I didn't want to do it now, obviously my dad was just plain old Ozzy and wouldn't listen so, I hung up on him. I didn't wanna have these big, heart to hearts over the phone or sat down in this facility. It was something I wanted to do  properly once I got out of here.

I felt like I'd matured a lot after everything that had happened, and all the gossip and petty bitching out on the strip just didn't seem like the life for me anymore, and it was a good job really. Razzle told me that Sharon and my dad had hired some cleaners to clean up the penthouse. It upset me a little at first because it was my home and that's where I felt closest to my mum but, after being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, I couldn't have gone back in there while it was still a mess. I told Razzle he could stay there for as long as he wanted instead of spending money on hotels but the problem was that was, I was homeless.