Dishing The Dirt: Nikki Sixx • Mötley Crüe •

Chapter 37: I Fucked Up

It had been 6 months since that night and let me tell you, the media loved every single minute of it. The headlines for weeks after the party were simply outrageous. They were reporting that I had a drug overdose in the bathroom, that I'd been spiked and had a seizure, one magazine even claimed that I'd died. So much had changed in my life over the last few months and I found myself at a point where I was no longer living, I was simply existing.

After the party, I woke up a couple of hours later in the ER and I felt like a completely different person. I'd sobered up properly for the first time in about a year and Ashley's words cut me like a knife as they played over and over again in my mind. Sharon kept reassuring me that she didn't mean what she said but, the way people reacted to Ashley's statements, just proved to me that people agreed with her.

I was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with unrelenting exhaustion, enlarged liver and a broken hand. I'd really done a number on myself and after talking to some doctors, I knew I needed to get my shit together before I ended up in a casket.

I felt vulnerable, fragile and even a little scared. I'd lost my best friend, I had no idea what state my relationships with Nikki and Dave were in. My dad was so furious with me that he wouldn't even look at me but that just made me get angry with him. He was such a fucking hypocrite! He cheated on my mum fuck knows how many times and was so off his head on drugs and alcohol when I was growing up that he didn't even know who I was most of the time!

Gloria and Maggie came to see me along with Mick, Slash and Tommy but I was so high on pain medication that I didn't even know who they were half the time. Athena, Duff and Sean didn't leave my side though and even took it in turns to go home to sleep and wash.

I waited every single day for Nikki to come, or even just to call... but he never did. He'd completely abandoned me and nobody knew where he was. I was so sick and tired of him messing me around, but I was still worried about him, and it still hurt.

After around a week, Dave turned up to the hospital. Everyone had tried to get hold of him but he went completely off the rails. I knew he was an asshole, but he came to the hospital straight away after finding out what happened and he was a mess. He was still in the same tux, stunk of booze, his eyes were red raw and he completely broke down on me, telling me I'd broke his heart but that he still loved me. I felt like the worst person in the world and I guess with the guilt I felt, the medication I was on and the fact Nikki was fucking me around still, I went back to him.

After 2 weeks of being hooked up to an IV and resting, I was finally allowed to go home but I had strict orders that I had to be on bed rest. Dave picked me up from the hospital and insisted on looking after me while we worked on getting our relationship back on track... at least that's what we hoped.

5 months ago...

I wish I could say the whole bed rest thing helped, but after a week of Dave being glued to me, I couldn't hack the babying anymore and I went straight back to the crazy, reckless lifestyle I was living beforehand...

Me and Dave, we had always bickered. I guess it was our fucked up way of flirting with each other and now that we were past the honeymoon phase of our relationship, it was like foreplay for us. We'd argue over something dumb, I'd say that I was leaving, he would act like he didn't care and then we'd... make up. I wish I could say going out to important dinners and parties stopped us too but he always found a way to slide his hand up my dress one way or another.

A couple of weeks after my little incident, my mum had finally gotten out of rehab and I decided that to try and give things a shot at rebuilding our relationship, I'd let her live with me at the penthouse, but the peace and harmony didn't last long. My mum was never the type to keep her mouth shut if something bothered her, and she despised the fact I was with Dave.