The Underbosses Photographer (M/M)

35 - Chapter Thirty-Five - Lukas Black's Point Of View.

Andrei went and laid down. He was frustrated with how things had gone in Maddox's office. I couldn't say I blamed him, He liked his work as much as I did and sitting on his ass, killed him as much as it did me. But this was the card and hand we had been dealt and we had no choice but to be okay with that.

Sitting at the kitchen table I was replaying some of my considerably stupid calls and moves since meeting Andrei and my terrible lack of judgement. None of them was I blaming him for, it was all on me for every one of those. Part of me wondered if it was all because my mother was gone now and nothing I did would come back on her. Maybe it was because I had nothing tethering me here. I was willing to give up on everything and follow Andrei into the pits of despair. It scared me that I was ready to let go of everything at a moment's notice. Hell, maybe Alessio has been right, maybe I did need to talk to the in-house shrink, after all, he seemed nice enough.

Andrei had changed my life, and I wouldn't change that for the world. I knew he was what I wanted, even this early. There was just a lot of dangerous baggage he had.

I had been so wrapped up in everything that I had forgotten about meeting Zev's partner and the underboss Jackson before. When I had burned my hands and that dumpster fire of a day. It was a wonder with the loss of my mother and everything going on that I had somehow kept it together this well.

Somewhere in the back of my mind told me I was only here because Andrei showed me attention and any kind of attention now was good enough. This made me feel sick. I feared I was using him for my own sick need to feel better about having nothing left. At this rate, I felt like I couldn't find the answer about what was the truth.

I sighed.

Standing up, I went and checked on Andrei. He was sleeping on his back, pretty soundly. Just looking at him so peaceful made me smile. What I felt for him had to be real, he was the first person who I cared about, that wasn't my own blood. I longed to be around him and make sure he smiled and felt good. There was no way I could fake that, there was just no way. It was all just my head playing games with me.

Closing the bedroom door, I felt pretty empty inside, not in a bad way though necessarily. The only thing I had left was the man in that bedroom and I didn't want the feelings I had for him to be the result of a trauma bond. That wouldn't be fair to him. I wouldn't let my feelings be the result of that. They were here because I actually was falling in love with him.

Well, Andrei slept, I cleaned up his area as mindlessly as I was able to be. I desired quiet in my brain and with the cleaning; I was able to get some kind of silence.

Tossing all the clothes from the hamper into the washer, I set it on a cycle and sat on the floor with my back against the machine.

When I closed my eyes in here, all I saw was the day that Andrei had kissed me here. It was what started everything. It was a handful of weeks ago.

I laughed just remembering how we had faced off in the small space. Over his kid no less, a kid that I found myself also worried about. Was it too late to back out? Yes. Did I want to back out? No.

I was here; I had no desire to be anywhere else either. That should have been the first clue.

I heard Andrei get up. Checking my phone it was seven forty-five and the meeting would start soon. The subject of this meeting would be all the shit happening, I just knew it. Alessio would no doubt be sitting in on this one as well. It had a lot to do with him. I worried about him, as much as I did his father. That kid was always through so much, he didn't need this too. He deserved to be safe, and I knew they would make that happen for him.

My lip ached. Today had been a lot for me too. It put into reality how unsafe I was. I was mildly aware of it when Andrei had been shot, but now I was all too aware that this was going to be the new normal and I needed to be prepared for that.