SHOUT

Distant

|Chapter 59|Asen|

I was walking alone to school.

Ever since that day Joshie skipped our lunch he's been distant. He no longer picks me up and when I tried picking him up he had already left for school. He doesn't even show up to the club most days, he's always there on busy days and he no longer waits for me to walk home together.

He talks in class and to others but when it comes to me he barely says a word. More recently he's moved his seat for history to sit by the group of girls. It's like I don't even exist.

What did I do? Why is this happening?

Every so often I can feel the girls staring at me in class and I feel my old tormentor anxiety bubble up.

Could it be...no, that's absurd. There is no way that would happen again, there's no way.

I stopped walking and took a moment to breathe. My heart was racing and I held on to the pole of a street light.

What's going on? Why am I feeling this way? This shouldn't be happening, it hasn't happened in years.

I struggled to catch my breath so I crouched into a squat in hopes it would calm me down.

Please make this stop.

•••

|Joshie|

I've been doing my best to avoid Asen. Being around him just makes me sad and every time I am I just get the feeling that I want to cry. I don't know the status of the situation between him and Melissa and I don't want to know.

What if nothing happened? What if he's confused? But it's better this way, this is how it was going to be anyway. It's better for me to stay away, right?

We were in history class and Asen was late.

Where is he? Did he sleep in again? What if he's sick or worse, hurt?

Just as that thought popped into my head, he walked in with a late slip.

"Glad to see you aren't just skipping class Acker, then I'd lose my bragging rights," Mr. Ken laughed before returning to the lecture.

Asen looked at me and for a brief moment, we made eye contact. It looked like he wanted to say something but I looked away.

It's better this way.

|Asen|

Just what the hell did I do?! What's happening?

•••

Before I knew it two weeks passed by. He completely stopped talking to me and looking at me. He no longer came to the club. It was like he hated me or something. Even Melissa asked me if he was alright. I had to lie and say that everything was fine.

He hates me. I did something and he hates me. Was it because I asked him to the movies? I knew it was weird, but it's not like I bought the tickets myself. I just didn't want them to go to waste. Was his big project for math a lie too? Was he just avoiding me this whole time? Why was I so stupid? How did I not notice?

I was once again late for class. Just as I was about to walk in I caught a glimpse of Joshie chatting with one of the girls, he smiled for a second.

He's fine, this whole thing doesn't even bother him. He can still laugh and smile. He's happy to talk to everyone but me. What bullshit.

Backed away and ran far away from the class as I could.

This whole fucking time I've been the only one feeling like shit! He was using me. Was he using me? He's just like Melissa. I can't fucking believe this is happening again. Am I just that fucking stupid? All this work I've done on myself, not getting close to anyone, making myself seem bigger, all of this, ruined and useless.

I felt a drop of water fall on my cheek. I looked up to see if it was raining but quickly realized it was my eyes. I was crying.

What's going on? Why am I...

I felt a hole in my chest. It felt like the world was closing in on me.

I need to get out of here.

•••

|Joshie|

Asen was yet again late for class. He's been late these past few days.

I hate that I'm avoiding him. I can't even get decent sleep anymore. I keep thinking about him. Mimsy really had to tell me that Melissa liked Asen the day I wanted to confess. She ruined everything.

"Cheer up Joshie, I'm sure things will get better," Liz gave me a warm smile.

"Thanks," I smiled back.

The girls have been very kind to me about this situation. Of course, they wanted me to forget about Melissa and focus on myself but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. I'm a coward.

•••

|Asen|

I ran all the way back home and locked myself in my room. No one was home, Mom and Dad were at the dance studio and Mikey was at school.

Forget school, I was only doing my work and going to class because Joshie wanted me to.

I took my backpack off and threw it on the ground.

It's really over, isn't it?

I could feel my eyes get heavy with tears again.

"Ugh, stupid, stupid, stupid!" I pulled on my hair out of anger.

How could I let this happen?! I should have learned my lesson the first time around.

I sunk to the floor letting this heavy feeling take over my mind and body.

It's happening again and I just can't fight it. It's so overwhelming that it's hard to breathe. Why am I always caught up in these things? It's like the world hates to see me happy. It's like I don't deserve to be happy. How could Joshie just toss me aside like that with no explanation? Why don't I just ask him? What do I have to lose?

I sent him a message.

Maybe there's still hope. Maybe he has a reason. Maybe this time things will be different. We'll see if he wants to talk.