SHOUT

Today

|Chapter 4|Joshie|

I woke up in a cold sweat. I was having a nightmare. It was the same one I always have.

It starts with me going to school and then all of a sudden everyone starts talking to me as if I were normal, as if I was able to communicate with them. I would be bombarded with questions about my life at home and conversation starters by strangers who wouldn't keep their eyes off of me. Not even my bangs could cover their stares. Soon enough I'm on the floor freaking out, rocking back and forth, taking in large amounts of breaths, covering my ears from hearing their taunts.

"Mute freak! That's why your dad left you and your mom," they'd mock until I lose the ability to breathe at all, until I wake up, tears streaming down my eyes, gasping for just one good breath.

I tried to calm down. It is hard trying to convince yourself that everything is okay when it feels like nothing is ever okay.

I closed my eyes and took in deeper breaths.

This must have happened because I tried to break out for once. This is what I get for taking the first step towards the speaking world.

I looked outside my window. The sky was dark with white puffy clouds blocking the light of the moon. The stars were only visible between the gaps of those clouds.

Sometimes I wish I were different, I wish I was confident. I just want at least a whisper to come out when I'm outside of my house. Just one word. But that is impossible, the moment I step out of my house it's like the spotlight's on me. No matter how hard I try, my voice will not come out, it's like it has already found a way to hide behind the curtains leaving just my body on the stage.

Nights like these are exhausting, I'm tired but I don't want to sleep out of the fear that I'll wake up again from the same nightmare.

I'll just lie down, close my eyes, and get lost in my thoughts until I knock out.

•••

In the morning, I walked into the kitchen tired and a bit down. Mom was washing the dishes she used to make breakfast.

"Good morning Joshie dear," Mom kissed my cheek, "How'd you sleep last night?"

"Not good, I woke up again," I mumbled not really in the speaking mood at all today.

"Do you want to stay home today then? I know how you get when you don't get enough sleep," she offered.

"No, it's fine, I want to go today."

"Did something happen at school? You came home late yesterday," Mom dried her hands on her apron.

"Uh...well...I joined a club," I nervously fiddled with my sweater trying to keep control over my voice.

"A club?! Honey that's wonderful!" She rushed over to hug me.

I let out a long needed sigh and smiled, "...Yeah, I guess it is."

•••

|Asen|

"I mean if you're gonna chicken out last minute, then why the fuck did you come at all?!" I spat.

"I—I wasn't in the right of mind during that time, you can't blame me!"

I was currently yelling at some stupid kid for not being able to go through with tagging the school wall behind the boy's bathroom. This guy said that he'd bring the spray paint but he failed to do so.