How's the weather?

Chapter Twenty-Five

Trixie had a hard time sleeping that night. A lot of things running through her mind. Alcohol didn't seem to numb her thoughts as much as it did before. Apart from the huge wave of numerous sexual thoughts Trixie also had a fear of being rejected. Katya did have a crush on her, but that didn't mean she wouldn't reject Trixie. Or maybe she said that because Trixie was drunk and she didn't want Trixie to be a sad drunk. They would wake up tomorrow and Katya would tell her to let her go and that they were grown up. Trixie felt like she didn't deserve this so easily after being away for so long. Trixie's thoughts were interrupted when she heard Katya come out of the room. Trixie immediately closed her eyes, acting asleep. She heard Katya leave something on the coffee table in front of the couch, and leave to her room again.

When she opened her eyes she came across a leather journal. It had patterns around done with white-out and in front, it said "Екатерина петровна замолодчикова" Trixie knew it was Katya's name in Russian. There was a note laying on the table next to it. This is my high school journal, go to page 23. Trixie grabbed the journal and went to page 23.

3rd day

Am I a bad person? anyone would be a bad person to keep themselves safe, right? doing this means having some kind of self-worth at least. Didn't know I had that!
This is the only thing I can "talk to". It feels so degrading to do this, the only person that can and will hear me is myself but now it comes with the embarrassment that I will experience when I re-read this in 2 years.

What a strong entrance, Trixie thought. She was surprised Katya did something like this but she wouldn't say it was weird coming from her. Trixie always knew that Katya was a person who spoke her mind, even if no one was there to hear at the time. Trixie heart ached at the mention of Katya keeping herself safe.

Anyways, I feel like I've been an asshole to Trixie (because I've been) but there's really no other option, the first day she tried to talk to me once. The second day she followed me while asking me what was going on. I guess she's a bit tired from that, I hope she is. It would definitely make my chore of building up a wall easier if I didn't have a reminder of what I'm losing every day. I don't even want to come to school anymore. I wanna go home and stay drowning in the growing mess that my room is. Maybe eating some Cheetos and watching a new series

All the time that this was going on, Trixie spent it thinking Katya was a heartless asshole. The behavior was so out of the blue that Trixie suspected that something else was behind it. She never took the time to dig in deeper.

I already forgot what I was gonna say in the last paragraph but I just talked to Trixie and oh my god I hated that. I hate even being subtly mean to her. I will definitely skip school a lot. I hope I get out of this, and I hope Trixie will give me a chance after this. She's not the one to forgive easily. I don't care how long it takes, I just want her back. Maybe one day I'll give her this journal.

Trixie smiled at the last sentence.

If you are reading this, I'm sorry, so fucking sorry. I will never stop being mad at myself for this and I want you to know the truth so bad, so fucking bad Trixie. Violet's brother, Brian aka my rapist has me under a threat, he will rape me again if I say any of this to you or to our friends. I'm doing this to keep myself safe. All of this because they saw that stupid video we recorded on my dad's camera. And they also took my phone, that's why I don't answer any messages. I love you Trixie

Trixie's eyes teared up while reading. All that Katya must have gone through. It probably meant the world that Trixie came back, and it meant the world to Trixie to see Katya smiling at her again. Katya got out of that shithole. Trixie admired how strong Katya was for it.

I haven't written in this for quite a while. Now Trixie's gone and there's nothing I can do. She's physically gone. I can't watch her from far away, I can't smell her sweet perfume, I can't hear her answer every question in the classroom anymore. Everything I have left is the fucking cigarettes she gave me. It's the only thing that for a minute makes me think she's near me.

Trixie shed a tear, she remembered how much she missed Katya and her scent. The tom ford cologne mixed with the cigarette smoke.

Violet, Bob, and Adore have been helping me, with this and the drugs and shit. I have been staying at Bob's a lot, my parents probably think I changed and that I'm a straight Christian girl who redeemed herself from hell. Brian stopped "taking care of me" because of Trixie leaving, and he's finally going to college in another state. I haven't taken drugs in like two weeks and a half, it's hard. It's so hard. Drugs are like the thing that I can't seem to escape from because they are always there. They will never leave me, they will never leave my history. This is getting too personal and I don't wanna talk about drugs anymore. Bob flushed them down the toilet anyway.

Trixie cried, she remembered turning to alcohol when one thought about Katya would cross her mind. Trixie wanted to forget and move on, she wanted a fresh start. But it was blocked by Katya, and Trixie drank and drank pretending it was for fun. She started therapy somewhere in her late 20s, to get help with the drinking. Trixie isn't sober, but she doesn't drink for the same reasons as before. She drinks only when she's out and for fun, she can put a limit on herself if she knows it's getting out of hand. Although sometimes Trixie catches herself using it as an anxiety tranquilizer and she mentally slaps herself. She closed the journal, whipping her tears and laying down for rest.