22 ) Snowfall In Autumn

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i had to hear it a million times to accept it: "it'll be alright

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i had to hear it a million times to accept it: "it'll be alright."

I never realized how important autumn was until I looked for the first time

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I never realized how important autumn was until I looked for the first time. I gaze around with teary eyes, with a blur so insignificant to the solutions I needed that I held it back. I open the clasp of my pale, unusually white hand, a leaf falling right into my grasp. It only snows in December, so could I call this Snowfall in Autumn?

God, as I say that to myself, my head spins around the thought of you, Rena. Your every structure molds into my life like a clay sculpture- one I want to make of you. Love had been as tricky as many things, but complexity would've never been an issue with you. I find that interesting because after all, you interest me. Though that interest will grow, just like the clay in water, it will no longer dry. I am set upon your silhouette. You're my everything, my only thing.

Tears fall like the leaves fall- slowly yet heavily. I never understood the severity of my actions only twice, with you, and with her. I had jumped too far off the ravine without anything to help me back to the top. Misunderstanding myself was just misunderstanding you.

With every inch of the apologies, regrets, and confessions I could never tell you,

I spill it out here.

As I walk through this park without you, the emptiness draws me in to fill another hole. I was already voided by my mom and dad, and I had to go to her. Then, when she no longer could fill that void, I had to fill it with you. I didn't know that that void wasn't supposed to be filled with love or people, but with my self-satisfaction that came from things that I could do. You taught me that.

Matter of fact, you taught me a lot of things. The value of life through the similes of grass. The colors faded into one palette so I can't overthink. That love wasn't something like jello, but it was something much more solidified like a rock. Of course, each lesson comes with a sequence in time where you forget about it for a bit. I feel that I should force myself to do that now.

Rena, if I had realized sooner that I didn't have to use you like this, had there been a better chance that our time together would be elongated?

Of course, our set time would not change. However, possibly, we could spare a second. A second more to fall beside one another, watching the moon on concrete.

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