It All Started with a Beanie

(30)

The rest of the camping trip went well. After gifts, we had a gingerbread house building competition and watched movies until we had to leave the next day.

Christmas at my house has always been uneventful. Mom and I have a tradition of getting each other only one gift and spending the day watching non-Christmas movies and for dinner, we order Chinese food. Christmas is not my favorite holiday, but I can say this holiday season was memorable.

After the seldom Christmas decorations were down, I decided to go through some boxes that we kept in the attic from the old house. The new year was only a few days away and I was in the mood to get out some feelings.

I went into the attic, sneezing a few times while up there, and bring down a couple boxes to my room. Sitting on my floor, I stare at the cardboard for a minute or two. The boxes are still folded to perfection, haven't been touched since we moved. I slowly take in a deep breath as I reach for the flaps, carefully removing them from under one another.

Finding the space too quiet, I turn on Spotify and just play a random playlist from my music library. Mom wasn't home so having too much quiet creeps me out.

As I bop my head to the King of Pop, I pull out the first item. I smile as I examine the small frame. Inside is the first ever picture of our family. Just moments after I was born, a photograph was taken of me, Mom, and Dad. I look so tiny in their arms. I find my heart warming at the genuine smiles on my parents faces. On the bottom piece of the wooden frame, the words "you complete me" are engraved. I trace my fingers lightly over the markings before moving onto the next items.

Once I began going through our old stuff, I couldn't get myself to stop. I found an old snow globe, a framed puzzle, Mom's wedding veil, and an assortment of random items that bring back good memories.

Just as I am about to put everything back into the box, I notice a folded piece of cloth at the bottom of the box. My eyebrows grow closer together as my curious self reaches for the item. I pick it up and unfold it. The moment I recognize it, I quickly place it back in the box. I didn't expect Mom to keep Dad's work jacket.

I quickly move away from the box and began to breathe much heavier. My breathing becomes irregular and rapid. As I feel the panic attack beginning, an image pops into my mind.

My eyes flutter close and I focus on the green pair of eyes my mind has conjured. I focus on the intensity of the gaze they hold. I imagine him saying, "Just breathe, love" and sitting with me, putting my mind to a state of ease for the time being.

A few moments later, my breathing goes back to normal and I mentally give myself a pat on the back for calming myself.

I can't believe he has that effect on me.

He truly is something else.

I put all the items back in the box and move both boxes to a corner in my room, deciding I'll go through the other one at another time.

As I sit on my bed, aimlessly scrolling through my phone, a thought hits me: Today would have been my dad's birthday. This thought causes a surplus of thoughts to weave through my mind.

How could I forget what today was?

No wonder I was feeling so nostalgic.

Does Mom know that today would have been his birthday?

I have to go visit him.

Quickly, I get off my bed and change into more suitable clothing for the cold weather outside. I put on a pair of leggings and one of Parsons' sweatshirts. I top it off with a beanie that compliments the sweatshirt. I put on a pair of thick boots before texting Mom that I probably won't be home when she gets home.

As I drive to my father's gravesite, my mind is filled with thoughts. I relive memories but also begin to overthink everything.

In a matter of forty minutes, I arrive at the cemetery. I managed to calm my mind down before I entered the parking lot. I take in a few breaths before making my way to his grave. My eyes scan each and every headstone, looking for the one I wish to talk to.

I find my father's and sit myself on the ground.

"Hi, Dad." I begin. I fiddle with the pieces of grass in front of me. "Happy birthday. I almost forgot but I remembered. You know how bad my memory is." I chuckle and I imagine him doing the same. "Mom and I are doing okay. She's been working a lot and I've been hanging out with friends. There's actually this boy..."

For the next couple of hours, I just sit and talk to my dad. I ask him rhetorical questions and fill him in on every detail with this new part of my life. I entered the graveyard nervous and scared that he'd be mad at me but as I get up to leave, I find myself in a state of content, slightly happy.

"I love you, Dad." I kiss two of my fingers and place them to the ground, acting as if he's repeating the gesture like he used to.

On the drive home, I find myself with a small smile as I listen to a playlist I made of my dad's favorite songs. Most of them are the songs that I enjoy but I also included the ones that he knew I couldn't stand, causing me to chuckle as I remember him singing them just to annoy me.

As I pull into my driveway, I notice an extra car parked where I typically do. I park behind my mother as I try to figure out who's car it is. It's not any of my friends so I assume it is one of my mom's friends.

I enter the house and immediately hear laughter. I recognize my mom's voice but furrow my eyebrows when I hear a man's voice, one that I don't recognize. I follow the laughter into the living and see my mom and some man sitting very closely on the couch.

"Mom?" I say. A hint of hurt is laced in my voice and I feel myself wanting to cry.

"Erin." She quickly stands up, moving away from the man. "You're home."

"Yeah. I do live here. I was just visiting Dad's grave." I watch as thoughts churn in her head before a realization hits her.

"Today would have been his birthday." Sadness washes over her, guilt mixing in the process. "Honey, I-" She attempts to come closer to me but I place my hand in front of me, stopping her.

"How could you forget?" My voice begins to break and the tears trickle down my cheeks. "And you're snuggling up beside some random guy. I know Dad messed up but I thought he meant more to you than this." She opens her mouth to talk but I don't let her. I quickly turn around and exit the house, getting in my car.

As I pull out my driveway, I have no destination in mind. All I want is to be away from my mother.

I don't remember driving to this place but once I'm there, I figure there's no turning back. My hand hesitantly reaches for the door but I find myself knocking. It takes a moment but the door opens.

"Beanie?"