break the heartbreaker : luke

doodle

2:16pm

i picked out the thing i've been eyeing since a while ago, which is this doodle on a piece of notebook paper. one look at it, and i already know what it is.

i unfold the letter which has the words "doodle" written on it, then slap myself gently on either cheek twice to make sure i'm wide awake for this.

"ever since i heard this sentence, i always believed in it. i believe in it because as i grew up, the more i realized it's importance: find someone who knows how to love you even when you're sad."

"it made me realize how important it is to have someone, whether it's a significant other or a friend, who knows you well enough to know what to do and what not to do whenever you're sad. how amazing it would be to have one person know how your mind works when you're sad, and be able to do just what you need in those dark times."

"and, no, i'm not talking about someone who's like a temporary fix, or someone you depend on to be happy. but it's just genuinely someone who knows your heart so well, that they'll be able to hold your hand and be with you, to make the load feel even an ounce lighter."

i don't really know what this doodle has to do with all this yet.

"when i was 12, i lost my grandmother. she was my mom's mom. my mom would cry all day and all night. even after months and years passed by, she would still get teary-eyed when a memory of my grandma would resurface. when she's reminded of the fact that she's gone,"

"and my dad would always, always do one thing that would remind my mom that she's not alone. that he feels her pain, and that he'll stay with her until she's feeling better,"

"he'd stay silent and he'd simply hold her hand, and rub circles around it using his thumb. he'd hold her hand as she got teary-eyed, and hold it even tighter when she'd cry harder. sometimes they'd stay in that position for 5 minutes, sometimes an hour. but he made sure to never let go until she was okay."

"another example is something i observed from my older sister (yes, the one who gave me a hand me down swimsuit that caused my ass crack to be exposed) meri and her girlfriend pat."

"there was a time sometime last year when i was at home for the holidays, and pat came around to visit. at the time, meri found out that her pet turtle had died, and she was very sad about it since she had the turtle for more than a year."

"it amazed me how well pat knows my sister, because she immediately knew what to do to comfort her which was: distract her. that same day, pat and meri went ice skating, made gingerbread houses, and binge-watched christmas movies."

"by the next day, meri had held a funeral for her pet turtle at our garden, looking calm and collected, though there was still a hint of sadness in her eyes. she still handled it well."

"for the last example, it's something a friend did for a friend. remember how i always watched your trainings after school? and how after, i'd wait for you outside the locker room? there would be times when michael and calum would go out before you, and i'd overhear their conversations,"

"michael would always be disappointed in his performance, dwelling on what he did and what he could've done. and i always heard calum tell him the same thing all the time: "you can always do better next time, but for now, i'll buy you a big ass burger.""

"it would immediately put a smile on michael's face, even though it was a simple sentence. it's amazing how we have these kinds of people surrounding us."

classic michael and calum. calum has been buying burgers for michael whenever he was sad for as long as i can remember. it's true, it really helps lift michael's mood up almost entirely.

"the day you gave me that doodle, i don't think you knew why i was sad then. why i was avoiding you. and of course, it was about the mission. i was trying to avoid you in order for you to be less attached to me, which made me sad, too, but you didn't know that."

and today, i finally find out why she was avoiding me then. i was so worried for her that day, but it turns out she was trying to drift herself away from me.

"i was driving myself crazy that day, drowning in my own thoughts. maurine's voice was always echoing in the back of my mind, it made me feel like i could have a panic attack at any second. the guilt was eating me alive, and i just really wanted space to breathe again."

"and you were right there the whole time. smiling at me. looking unphased by my mood swings. opening car doors for me like you usually do. keeping quiet when i asked you to. even though you didn't know what was going on. you stuck by me, instead of leaving me alone with my thoughts."

"but it was that small doodle that broke my walls down completely. the second i saw it, the second i read the words on it, i knew. i knew that you were that person for me. you were the person who had the power to be with me when i was sad."

i look down on the piece of paper, my eyes trailing over the ink i drew on myself.

there's a drawing of a sun, with the name luke written at the center, with a speech bubble on top that says, "here comes the sun!"

then there's a drawing of a girl, with the name vada below it, with a speech bubble on top that says, "and i say, it's all right."

"the doodle you made served as a perfect representation of how you were that day i was sad. you seemed to understand me, you didn't treat me differently, and most of all, you reminded me that it was all going to be alright."

"i realized then, luke, that as long as you stood by my side, whether you were sitting in silence, waiting for me outside my house, handing me a doodle you drew on ripped notebook paper, or giving me a care package, i didn't care what you did. as long as you were there."

"aaand here they come." i whisper to myself, feeling a tear role down my cheek.

i wipe it off straight away, chuckling to myself at the ridiculousness of this all. it's just words on a piece of paper. why are they making me cry?

"dad holds mom's hand. pat distracts sam. calum buys burgers for michael."

"and you, luke......it's simply you. your presence. that was, and still is, enough to make me feel better."

"you used to always sing "here comes the sun," telling me how it was your song for me. but in reality, i think that it's my song for you. whenever you come around, i can say that it's alright."

"thank you, luke. because even though you're unaware of it, even though you don't need to try, you are someone who knows how to love me whenever i'm sad."

i read the last few paragraphs again. then again. until i stand up to grab a box of tissues.

"fucking hell." i mutter, wiping away my tears violently. i haven't cried like this in a while.

this letter, by far, got me the most.

it's crazy how my very presence can instantly make vada feel better. up until now, i didn't know i had that effect on her. that was the way i felt about her, too.

i graze my fingertips over the drawing of a petal and a sun, which is vada's way of signing every letter.

"here comes vada, du du du du," i mutter softly, folding the letter back in half, "here comes vada, and i say, it's alright."

2:37pm