Wildflowers |h.s|

thirty nine

Devon

Starting a new job is always really stressful, especially when you know nobody. It's like getting thrown into a new high school during senior year when everyone already has established friend groups, and now I just have to find a way to fit in or deal with being a loner forever.

Harry's been getting a first hand look at my reaction to anxiety, and it's not a pretty one. The first week he was nervous I was like in desperate need of a therapist, which I probably was, but I know I was also just overreacting. It's not exactly super fun to see your significant other stress vomiting every morning at the thought of going into work and being the outcast all day.

I've always been a stress vomitter. It's my body's way of reacting to major life things I guess. It happened when I found out Harry had kids, and I did a lot of vomiting while we were broken up whenever I would think about him. I hate that little quirk I have, but Harry's grown to find it endearing now in the strangest way. I guess now that he knows it's normal, he worries about me less.

This happened when I started at the old company, but it was a lot lower stakes and I stopped after about three days. But it's been two weeks and even the thought of how I'm actually working for Gucci and making important decisions for the brand and knowing my work is making an impact worldwide, that makes me want to throw up more than anything.

Thankfully I have Harry and the girls who are always trying to distract me when I'm not hugging the toilet. They're always trying to get me to play fairies with them, or paint, or just do something fun that will keep my brain busy to the point where I don't think about my job. If it wasn't for them, I'd definitely be twenty pounds lighter and crying all day long.

Waking up in Harry's bed, I open my eyes, and the first thing I think about is work. I have to go in today and I have a big presentation. Without even bothering to put clothes on, I run to the master bathroom, put up the toilet seat and let it all out. God, everyone is going to be judging me about this presentation. Why the fuck did I take this job? I shouldn't be this scared to go to work every morning.

It doesn't take long for Harry to join me, holding my hair back with one hand and rubbing my back with the other as I just continue to throw up. I feel like it gets worse the more I think about it. Finally, I'm just gagging with nothing coming up, so I sit back against the wall next to the toilet, sobbing my eyes out. God I'm so fucking pathetic sitting on the bathroom floor, naked, while my boyfriend flushes my vomit.

Harry sits down facing me, wiping my eyes gently. "Dev, this isn't healthy. Maybe it's time we get you help. I can't see you like this anymore, love. It breaks my heart."

"I-I know but I just can't s-stop thinking about i-it!" I try to stop crying, but I just can't. It's so frustrating because I want to be fine and not panic about work, but I can't help but feel like I'm disappointing everyone and they regret hiring me. I even feel like I'm disappointing Harry, because he's hyped up my new position so much and wants me to be a role model to the girls, and I'm failing miserably.

"Dev, it's only been a couple weeks. They know you need time to adjust. You have to be easier on yourself, baby. I don't like that your pretty mind is making you feel like you're not good enough. They saw your potential and wanted you, out of all the hundreds of thousands of people who applied for that position, they picked you. You belong there." Harry gives me a little pep talk, continuing to wipe my tears away.

I look up at him with sad eyes, doing my best to stop crying and calm down. "I have a presentation today and they're all just going to judge me." I whisper, holding my knees to my chest.

He pouts slightly, holding my cheek gently. "They're not going to judge you, Devon. You just have to go in there, be confident, and show them that you belong there. Because you do. And if anyone says something, just let it roll right off your back and when you get home, you could let it all out. This is just a new job, and in a month we're gonna look back at this time and laugh because it's so far behind us. You're gonna make friends and they're gonna know you're good at your job, just don't let the fear get to you. You're the team leader, you're the boss."