A broken heart

Chapter 15

I know that she is just as strong as I am mentally and emotionally, probably even stronger than I am to be honest. But doing everything in her power to make everyone, except for me, think that nothing and no one can hurt her in any way. Not even her feelings. Which happens a lot more than people think thanks to her façade. In fact, someone hurting her feelings happens quite a bit. The darkness makes her have a far more tender heart than she did before the accident. And even then, she had a tender heart. How do I know all of this? Simple, because she told me as much earlier today when we were talking about that grebanaya suka Janine Hathaway. Well not in so many words but I could read between the lines. I'm not stupid after all.

"Wait, so you know what I have been saying this whole time?!" I guess that would explain how she knew what I was saying earlier when I called her detka, a draznit, lyubov' moya, and everything else that I had said to her in Russian. (baby, tease, my love)

"Yep." She popped her 'p' so proudly.

"Why didn't you tell me Roza moya?" I whined playfully at her. (my)

"Because you so obviously didn't want me to know what you were saying. And I wanted to see what all you would say when you didn't think that I knew what you were saying. I wanted to see what all you would confess."

"So, what you're saying is that you've known all along that I love you desperately, haven't you?"

She looked so sad all of the sudden. "Yes. But I didn't think that you would ever give in to it, or willingly admit it to me. At least not when you knew that I could hear or understand what you were saying. I just thought that you would continue to deny the both of us what we both so desperately needed, wanted, and longed so deeply for. Every time that I heard you say that you love me in Russian, thinking that I didn't understand you, it broke my heart into tiny little pieces all over again. Because as I said, I didn't ever think that you would tell me that you love me when you knew that I could understand you. And I didn't EVER want to stop hearing it, even if you didn't know that I could and did understand you. That day, a few weeks ago after training, when I was going to take my shower. When you said, 'I love you so much Roza moya, and I wish to God that I could tell you.' I stood in the shower and cried for a long, long long time. I intentionally stayed in there until long after you'd left, just so that you wouldn't see that I had been crying. So, you wouldn't figure out that I could understand what you have been saying all this time. I even skipped Stan's class so you couldn't tell by looking at my face that I had been crying and ask me why. Because there was just no way that I could tell you." (my)

"Oh, Roza moya. I am sooo terribly sorry for the way that I have acted, for the things that I have said, for the things that I didn't say to you in English when I should have, and for the way that I have behaved towards you detka. I am sooo unbelievably sorry for the way that I have handled this whole entire situation. And I did it all in the attempts of trying to hide my true feelings for you because I hoped that neither of us would get hurt. But I ended up almost destroying the both of us anyway. I am soooo very very very sorry detka, soooo sorry lyubov' moya." (my, baby, baby, my love)

She reached up and cupped my cheek gently. "It's ok Comrade. As much as it hurt me at the time, and as much as I love you, I do understand why you have behaved the way that you did. You did not know the truth about me, and you were trying to spare the both of us pain in the future. I should have told you the truth just as soon as I knew that we love each other. But I was so afraid that it would push you even further away from me."

I saw her eyes start to glisten with tears. "I was soooo afraid that if you found out what I truly am, about my magic, about my future that it would make you even more afraid to be with me. That finding out about my magic and about what I truly am would push you away from me forever." I could hear the pain, heartache, and fear in her voice as she spoke.