This Is Where I Want To Be

46. Life Sucks And Then You Die

Juliet

I hadn't seen Marcus for months. My dad had yet to come and have a talk with me... Tell me what the hell happened that night between them. No one wanted to tell me what was going on. Lying on my bed, I was thinking about everything... That was my first mistake. Most of the time, I would listen to music or read, but lately, I had been bored with everything that had always been enough. It was like I tasted the truth and wanted to know more. The fact that nothing ever happened made it worse. My days were the same from morning to night. To go outside, I had to cover myself. I was not allowed to walk alone. Not that there was anywhere to go. I had no friends because it wasn't allowed.

All girls were locked up in their homes until they got married. Which seemed like that was where I was. My parents would probably have me wait until I'm fifty before even considering it. The thought terrified me. To be on the compound for that long, doing what I had been doing... all day long. I sat up thinking about marrying Marcus. It wasn't like he was the only man I had ever talked to. I didn't feel about anyone like I did about him. But he was my only real friend...

I remembered my words about going into the Ahmed house. It freaked me out thinking about getting beaten every time I did something wrong. Knowing myself, it would be daily. Marcus wouldn't be able to help me... No! Like that day, he would simply watch. That would be worse. I wouldn't be allowed to read. Watch Tv... talk...

I threw my legs off the bed. "No, not even for Marcus. He was right. He just wasn't enough." I would hate him before we had our first child. How would I sleep with him if I was constantly angry at him? Disappointed and hating my life. Would he start forcing me...? Cut out my tongue. I would rather die than see his father ever again.

Jumping up, I paced the room. I was going out of my mind. "This is what happens when parents don't communicate with their kids," I whispered to myself.

All I had was my mom and dad. When it came down to it, my father was incredible. They were great with me. I didn't know if he would be able to do anything... if something terrible happened. Would he go against the compound for my mom and me? Could he even do anything?

I didn't know how I got from not going to the Ahmed house to doing something stupid. Before I could govern myself. Chastise myself... I was on a mission out of the house. Alone. Without supervision. Without my veil. I left not covering my head, hair loose...makeup. I was rebelling like the teenager I was. Desperate for understanding.

Walking down the market's main street created such a stir that I knew I had made a mistake. Everyone greeted me. Spoke to me, were weirdly friendly, and gave me cards. Ignorantly, I gave my name and my surname. It seemed that the eighteen-hundreds were still in existence and that calling cards were still a thing. What they were for... I could only imagine.

When I got the twentieth one, I thought, "Stuff it." I was already there. If that were the only way things would change, so be it. I would find at least one other man who would treat me like he did and not be Qadir's son.

I sat at a table, having a cool drink. I saw Kubra across the street staring at me. Of course, that produced Marcus a few minutes later. He came running. When he saw me, his feet skidded in the dirt. He was breathing heavily. For a usual poker-faced Marcus... The many emotions that flashed through his eyes made me shift uncomfortably in my seat. Fear was the worst, but after that came the barely controlled anger. He was fully manifested a few seconds later, struggling to contain himself.

His eyes changed and changed, and his hands rested on his knees. It took a few minutes. He strutted over. He didn't greet me and grabbed me around my upper arm. Marcus paused when he saw all the cards. He swore loudly and swiped them off the table, screaming. I had never seen him like that.