This Is Where I Want To Be

64. Recognizing Your Mistakes

Juliet

I was going to lie again. It seemed like the only way I got to the bottom of anything was when I did something stupid. I said I would be at Charlene's place. I did go. I took Caleb with me, leaving him with her.

"You sure you want to start spying on people?" Charlene remarked.

"I'm so bored, Charlene... I just want to do something naughty. Just give me a few hours." I lied again.

She shook her head but opened the door for me. I disappeared and came back quickly to say something. "Wouldn't you be doing the exact same thing?"

She nodded and smiled. "Maybe?"

"Anything you want to know about Ben?"

She pushed me on the shoulder. "No, but I would like to know what Carl gets up to so alone in his room."

"I can do that... Bring you some gossip." I disappeared and headed back to the house.

***

I left a window open in the laundry room earlier. So I could quickly get in. It was late. No one would check it or close it. I hoped. Everyone was in their regular routine for that time of the night. Sadly for Charlene, Carl was watching TV. Since I didn't want to fight with Louis. He had upped the cold shoulder to a scolding glare. When I came out of my room in the morning, and our paths accidentally crossed, he watched me with dull blue eyes. His stoic face ignored me. He would go into our dressing room and close the door on me. He hadn't asked... And I hadn't apologized. It had been weeks and weeks, and no one was budging. Louis stayed quiet. Marcus acted weird when the buzzing started. And Chris disappeared on me. Still not back.

So... First, I walked up the stairs to Louis's room. Every step got heavier as I climbed up towards him. Even if I was invisible, my heart was a little stressed. His door was always open. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, having a cigarette. Feet on the floor, his elbows resting on his knees.

"I would die for a fag." I fell on the bed behind him. "I would die for a shag too." He coughed and took something out of his mouth.

"Why do cigarettes do that. You will always have that one little piece ending up in your mouth at some stage. Or am I just drunk when that happens... and I had it in the wrong way around."

Louis was more somber than usual. That morning, he had tried. And I had turned away from him. I hated seeing him like that. He just dragged the cigarette and slowly puffed out the smoke. I appreciate his body for a moment. His back and arms were ripped with so many tiny muscles. He had been training hard. He was cut to perfection, making every bulge their own piece of art. I just wanted to run my hands over them.

"I miss your body." You would swear he was taunting me with... all of him... that night. There was a snowstorm raging outside. All you could see were the white specks furiously flowing from one direction as the wind pushed them sideways. The howling sound outside was beautiful, making it almost a perfect night to be up there. I missed the room. I missed us.

"We have so much to talk about... but you don't talk to me... So, if you were wondering why I'm not making this better... That's why... So as soon as you can...." I was cut off by the buzzing that started up again. I observed Louis carefully. "How can you not hear it?" He didn't even react. Louis pressed the bud into some sand that hadn't been cleaned in a while.

"It's so early. Why are you sitting all alone in this dark room?" Louis fell back on the bed, running his hands through his hair. "Your hair is getting long... But I like it. Wish I could run my hands through it."

There was a frown on his brow. "I don't know what to do, Juliet?" Louis whispered softly. I turned on my stomach so that my face was close to his. "So I'm doing nothing... I'm tired." He rubbed his fingers over his eyes. "And I'm scared."