𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚊 {𝚑𝚎𝚎𝚔𝚒}

I Want You -21

You're coming back
And it's the end of the world
We're starting over
And I love you darling
And I am done, dear

-I want you, Mitski

...

After a quarter or so, Ni-ki shyly walked towards Heeseung. How should he face him? He felt these thousand bees inside his brain making fuss and rotting it and Heeseung was the one that made them dissapear.But the latter was sitting with his eyes glued on the papers.

Indeed the older looked engrossed in reading these magical pages that led you to another date, just a silent person who watches the events and can't take a part in them. Books were always a great comfort and even a greater way to cope. He found the words that suited perfectly on his tangled thoughts and turned them into emotional confession in all these lines. Maybe the most hidden parts of himself were printed on a paper, represented by a character with no specific form, changing for everyone that lay their eyes on the pages. The world that unfolds is the author's playground. If any novelist even said that their characters are inspired by other people, they are certainly lying. Every person in their books is a side of them that gets further explored and analysed. That's why Heeseung likes to read, he likes to see the person behind it is setting their wishes, their fears, their dark secrets exaggerated or not on the spotlight of your eyes.

Ni-ki liked the expression Heeseung had whenever he was invested. His caramel, radiant eyes slightly wide, fixated on what he was doing with his mouth forming a line that gave away his interest. Ni-ki had no artistic talent, he didn't know how to paint, write or even create music. But in times like this he wished he was talented enough to portray his feelings in vivid, glamorous colours that would gift his love a form.

Love? When he even started thinking like that? Ridiculous or not for a real muscular man like him, he had to admit that he had blazing feelings that turned his heart fully alight for another male. He'd never thought about his sexuality in the first place, he was supposed to love girls and that's it, every other rowdy ideas that crossed in his mind like a thunderbolt, yearning to see other men naked were plain stupidity. Such a shame to admit this to someone especially if the other men in question is a friend of yours. A cute, pretty friend of his with distinct curves and a sweet almost venomous smile came to his mind whenever he slipped his hands under his pants in midnight before some weeks. Ni-ki knew that it was inappropriate and odd to think of him when he was close. But the picture he created in his head never failed to leave his head in moments like that. Long story short he finally accepted that he was attracted to men but seeing other 'gay' males was wakening a weird sense of disgust in the pits of his stomach. When he thought the possibility of Heeseung's homosexuality a wild excitement was fighting to escape out of his chest. But sometimes he feared when he thought that other people were gonna point them out like 'this type of guys', the 'abnormal' ones.

Was it right? Was it right to give in the screams of his own desperate heart and embrace his true self. Today it was the first time he kissed a boy. Today it was the first time he even kissed someone. And he cherished that this someone was Heeseung. When he hugged him he accepted all the feelings he had for the people of the same gender that usually made him insecure. 

When this plain was going to finally land? Where this game was going to end? He knew that this relationship is hopeless, he himself won't decline his arrival to the Japanese university. Even if Heeseung follows him -which is almost impossible- how is Ni-ki going to explain him to his perents? 'He's just a friend, dad.' Bullshit. Shame, shame,  shame. Shame with the thought of his dad's look of condemnation. Shame with the thought of walking with his hands linked with a man in public. Shame with the astonished face of his mother in his head.