HIP #2: Summer Of Love

Chapter 46

Until now, I'm still wondering what Peter is doing now. Is he okay? Is he not crying or not doing anything that affects his happiness? I hope his father is not hitting him and I hope he's not thinking of me like I am thinking of him. I don't want him to feel pain again. Through all the months I've been with him in Mancheston Beach, I figured out that studying is what he does when he's bored and sometimes he's surfing the internet or researching stuff about hid disorders and how to cope with them. Speaking of disorders... I hope they're not attacking him.

The TV was playing Sponge Bob Square Pants, which is the number one cartoon show I love since the first time I began watching television shows until now. But I'm currently not paying any attention to it because all I can think about is Peter. Peter. Peter. I sighed and hugged my pillow tighter. I want to pretend that I'm hugging him so that I can get some sleep tonight. It just has been a day since we took our separate paths, but I think that it already has been so many years ago. I miss him that much.

He hasn't called me or texted me or anything. Perhaps because we know we're both going to find the situation awkward. Just not hearing his voice is already torture. I can't wait until this school year starts so that Britney would hang out with him and I would join so I can always be by his side. Through all the days I spent with him, I figured out lots of things about him that I can relate to some colors.

Knowing him was yellow: It was bright, sunny, colorful, and enjoyable. He told me tons of his secrets and I told him some of mine too.

Secretly loving him was black: It was impossible, dark, unseen, and scary. No matter to which color you mix black with, they fade because black shades them away making them invisible. I secretly loved him. It was a literal secret because no one knew about it except for my subconscious.

Spending time with him was red: it was alarming. You get to do things you didn't expect to. Like joining a pageant and mentally cheating on your boyfriend.

Leaving him was blue: It hurts and it's something I didn't want to do. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but because good things come with pain, I had to leave him like I had to color the sun using blue.

Forgetting him was gray: It's full of crap. It's messy, it's hard. I always tried my best to tell myself that he can't be mine because I already have someone loving me. Yet I couldn't do anything but forget him like how I had to paint gray pebbles in different colors just not gray.

"Are you okay? You don't seem okay honey." I faked a smile when my mom gently sat beside me and placed two cups of milk on the table. I learned how to fake my smiles because I've always seen them in Peter. As they say, the best way of learning is by observing. I adapted his skills in faking smiles.

I nodded with my lips pressed and eyes still on the TV but I'm not watching. I don't even know what's happening. I just saw Sandy stumbling with her words and that's all. Because my mind is occupied by the things I've done with the guy I never thought I would love.

"Want to talk about it?" I didn't answer. I kept my mouth shut and stared at the screen. Talk. About. It.

I want to but my mom knows about my relationship with Chance. I don't want her to think that her daughter is a cheater.

Finally, after a long time of holding my tongue back from speaking, it moved by itself as if it read what my mind was saying and what my heart was writing.

"Have you ever felt like you're happy with someone but you know that there's someone else better and you know him very well? Like you don't want to cheat but you found happiness in a different guy. Which is wrong."

"Yes,"

"What do you mean?"

"Back then, I was in a relationship with a guy. We were happy. He was so kind, he was everything I could ever wish for. He was as perfect as a fictional character. But then, this other guy came along and brought me more than what I wanted. The wildest dreams I had which I never thought would come true. I was happy with my boyfriend but I left him because I figured out that the happiness I found in him was all fake. And until now, I don't regret my decision."

"Wait, you once broke up with dad?"

"Your dad was the other guy."

I was too stunned to speak. Mom and dad always told me about their love story. But mom never told me about this one before. "So you mean: you had a boyfriend before and you left him because of dad?" She nodded.

"That must be hard for your ex." She nodded again.

"That's right. It was very hard for him. I remember how he begged me on my knees to stay but you know what, this world won't give you happiness if you won't make your own move. So, I think that you should give yourself happiness and make your way. Choose whatever it is that you want not what the people around you want. Choose for yourself not for other people."

"That's like being selfish."

"Making yourself happy is not being selfish, it's humanity. And you're the one who would regret it if you're not going to take advantage of the chances. If I didn't choose your dad then you're probably not alive by now." She giggled a little.

"So, do you think I should choose Peter over Chance?"

"Wait, what?"

"Mom, please don't judge me."

"Okay, proceed, I will listen."

"I love Chance. I love him so much. He has always made me happy for the past two years of our relationship. But I loved Peter the first time I saw him. And then I figured out that I couldn't have him so I tried to forget about having a crush on him. I used Chance to make my feelings vanish for Peter and I was able to do it. Until this summer came along. I had a lot of fun and I enjoyed every single moment I spent with him. It made my feelings go back. I began loving him again. Now I don't know what I should do after Peter told me he loves me too."

"There's only one tip I can give about that: Love rarely enters your life. So when it did, it's your choice if you're going to let it in or not."

"So, do you think I should choose Peter over Chance?"

"It's your life, honey. That would be up to you. Choose wisely." She smiled at me and took a sip from the cup of milk she has been holding ever since she sat beside me.