One Hundred Fifty

06 - Depression with a Cat

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Natinag ang sininghalan ko, parang nainsulto pa ang muka nito habang inaayos ang sariling kwelyo ng coat nito. Hindi ko alam kung design lang ba ito o totoo talagang doctor s'ya kung hindi ba naman napaka bobo ng kung anong lumabas sa bunganga n'ya.

Tumikhim ito at inayos ang nakakumpol na papel sa mismong desk n'ya kung saan nakatuon rin ang siko ko at hinihimas ang sentido. Like, what an actual heck is this??

"Miss. Amen, hindi excuse ang depression sa rudeness. I'm still your doctor."

Huminga ako ng malalim bahagyang kinalma ang isip sabay napapikit. Hindi naman talaga ako rude, it just came out of my mouth when she recommended me the supposed to be 'medicine' that is 'life changing.'

I placed both of my hands at the top of the desk and interlock my fingers, saka malumanay at marahan na inulit ang sinasabi n'ya. Trying to knock some actual sense. "So, I'm depressed. I don't enjoy the usual things nor feel sad, and I don't believe that a person can feel nothing and become empty until I... kinda felt it. Experience. Nandito ako para mag pagamot, doktora. Kailangan ko po ng gamot. Yung gamot na talagang makakapag paalis ng anxiety ko, makakapakalma ng insomnia ko. At makakapawala ng depression ko. I don't feel suicidal but I might actually go into that phase kung tatagal pa 'to... Please. I want to perform again. I want to play the piano again. Any anti-depressant would do. Don't... like, why?"

Nawagayway ko pa ang kamay ko sa pagtatanong. "Like? Pusa? Seryoso?"

"But it works. In one study, statistics say–"

"I don't care about that damn survey!! Cats won't work!" I tantrum and even kicked my foot at the air while getting my ass stuck in her patient chair.

Bakit ba ko nandito? Siguro tama lang yung sinabi nina Mama na nagdadrama lang ako at parang jino-joke time na ako mismo ng doctor. Nag-iinarte lang ba ko? Is my depression invisible?? Like what?? A cat? Siguro maatim ko pa kung aso. But... A cat? A selfish cat??

Cats are always demanding! They would tell you how to pet them, feed them, tapos ang ibabalik sa'yo ay puro kamlot at kagat! Sisirain pa anga mga furnitures mo na parang sila ang bumili! All I want is to play the piano again... To laugh freely again. To gain back what I lost, and what? Gagawin pa kong kitten-sitter ng doctor na 'to! Nag aral ba talaga 'to ng psychiatry??

Huminga ng malalim ang doctor na nasa harap ko. Actually, nag dadalwang isip ako kung doctor ba talaga s'ya. Hanapin ko kaya diploma n'ya? But the silver nameplate says it all.. Dra. Sopia Alvarez.

"Miss. Sandoval. What triggered your anxiety again?"

"Just... just the mere thought that I'll be stepping in the stage again. Nakakatakot. Hindi ako makapagsalita kahit wala naman ako sa moment na iyon at may mga pagkakataon na sumisikip ang dibdib ko. Isa rin 'to sa dahilan ng insomnia ko."

"And when did all of this started, again?"

Napalunok ako, bahagyang kumuyom ang mga kamao. I can't say it. Though alam naman na n'ya, I can't say it thrice. "When my boyfriend caught me... cheating." Huminga ako ng malalim. Eto nanaman ang sumisikip na kung ano sa dibdib ko.

It was that day. The day of my very first big recital at the regionals. Gio was a big part of why I was there. Why I was playing the piano, and why I currently now hate playing the piano.

"Sa mismong recital, sa backstage. It was a mistake. Of course. Every cheating is a mistake. I was immature. Hindi ko inisip ang magiging kalalabasan kasi akala ko lilipas lang naman yung kay Clarck, Doc. But it stayed. And I know I hurted him."

Tumango tango si Doktora habang ako naman ay pilit na pinipigilan ang pagbabadya ng luha.

Stop it, Amen. Ikaw ang nanloko. Ikaw ang tanga. Ikaw ang nagkamali. Ba't ngayon nasasaktan ka sa sarili mong kabobohan? Hindi na ngayon uso ang come back lalo na kung ang naging jowa mo, manloloko. Ako pa na babae. Ako pa ang nanloko. Ako na inalagaan ako pa nagbali ng pangako. I'm so stupid and up until now, still playing with the stupidity. Maniniwala nalang rin ako na sagad na ang katangahan ko kung talagang mag a-adopt ako sa pound na nirecommend ni Doktora!