One Hundred Fifty

09 - Writer's Block

"There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you."

- Beatrix Potter

I batted my eyelashes at the empty document, the pointer is flashing before my eyes, and the sound of the brewer echoed in my ears.

Bwesit, wala akong masulat.

Kanina pa ako nag titipa sa keys ng laptop na agad ko ring ibubura at hindi ko na talaga alam kung paano ko susundan ang mga eksena. Now, here's what staring me back, a blank page.

Writing has always been my escape, and now, I'm escaping writing.

Tumayo ako mula sa swivel chair at bahagyang sinara ang laptop saka kinuha ang beige coat ko na nakapatong dito. It's currently autumn here in South Korea, and I think it's been Spring since I started staring at the blank page. I've been taking a vacation here when I experienced an intensive writer block back in the Philippines... Kaya ginusto kong pumunta muna sa ibang bansa to get some inspiration, but still, to no avail cause that block is still within me.

Kailangan ko na muna sigurong maglakad lakad.

The pathway is peaceful though pagabi na sa daan. The streetlights are illuminating one by one at the corner as it gets dim. Bumubuhos ang mga tuyong dahon at nililipad ng hangin papunta sa kung saan.

I smiled a little and tried to imagine a scenario in the midst of the falling leaves... Someone who looked like Lee Jong Suk with Song Hye Kyo, then the man would be rushing towards to the girl and will surprise her with a kiss.

Is that scene good enough? Worthy enough to be written? Is that scene gonna be okay? Will the readers love that scene? Was it too cliche?

Napakurap ako at sinubukang idagdag ito sa kung saan ako natapos na scenario... Wala naman. Parang hindi naman bagay.

Dumaan ako sa isang mall at nagtingin tingin ng mga pwedeng bilhin. Kaunti lang ang tao at pagabi na, malapit na ring sumara ang naturang mall kaya dali dali akong naglakad sa isang book store.

Mahirap pumili ng libro at puro naka hangul ang sulat. Mabuti nalang at may English Literature section at ilang imported from other countries. I inhaled the smell of the new books, the texture of the plastic and pages, the title... hanggang sa mapatigil ako sa isang libro.

Written by, Rosy R.C

I tried to smile as I saw her surname.

Katrabaho ko s'ya noon sa isang publishing company. Mas nauna akong nag sulat... Pero mas nauna s'yang sumikat at mas nauna ma publish ang mga gawa n'ya. May mga napublish narin naman akong libro, kaya nga rin ako napa-frustrate at hindi na ko makaabot sa deadline. Mabuti nalang understanding ang manager ko at ang publishing company.

It's just that... I never got it far where Rosy is right now.

Without a second thought I bought her series and flew back to apartment only to spend the rest of the night contemplating... Whether how can I become a good writer like Rosy that reached New York Times Bestselling?

Napatingin ako sa orasan na nasa desk ng cabinet next to my bed where I was laying. 2 am.

I decided to stare at my computer again, sitting infront of my study table with the pointer in the screen that seems insulting me.

Hindi ko makuha ang taste ng sinusulat ko, nawawala ako sa genre na romance at wala naman nag haharutan sakanila but at the same time I don't know how to make the girl fall in love cause I can't imagine with her personality!

How about the male leading, running to her with his bicycle as he escapes with her?

That's good...

That's good. Pero di parin ako sigurado! That's sounds too dramatic and cliche...

Tumulala nanaman lang ako sa screen. Mga ilang minuto pa ng napag desisyonan kong bumalik na lang sa kama, mamuhay ng mapayapa at matulog. So I close the laptop. I adjusted the swivel chair to get up when the screen suddenly open. Napatingin ako sa socket, it was unplug naman.

My eyes widen when suddenly, the computer turned white and the words getting jumbled found one by one its words...

You don't have writer's block

But do you know what you have?

Fear.

Your fear of the result

Your fear of not being as succesful as them

Your fear of not liking the outcome

Your fear of failure

So it resulted from doing nothing.

Then complain, thought of something but will never put it into action though it's needed

Why don't you write me? We've been waiting for you....

Napakurap ako ng makailang beses saka kinusot kusot ang mata at binalik ang tingin sa computer na ngayon ay blanko na.

Without a second thought, I wrote the things in my mind though my heart is full of uncertainty that makes my finger wants to stop typing. But no. I didn't let it happen, so I could make this happen. So I can finally say between those never ending movement of my hands with those sweat and sighs, that...

I did it.