NO WAY BACK | carl grimes | ON PAUSE

thirty - three: to the stars

"To live for love."

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THE STARRY NIGHT SKY looked distant to Montana as she sat near the fire place with the group. Everyone was sitting around it, eating the last of the birds they had caught that day. Montana watched as Lori got up from where she was sitting to walk towards Rick. Carl stared after his mother before looking towards the fire again.

"You gotta eat somethin, Montana," T-Dog said to her. Montana looked over at T-Dog, who was giving her a sympathetic look.

"I know," she said, picking at the bird legs she had been given.

"Not exactly gourmet food, is it?" He said, smiling. "A bit dry too. Missing some gravy."

Montana gave T-Dog a half hearted smile, while continuing to tear off small bits of the meat.

"It's not the same without her," T-Dog admitted. "I miss her smart comments. Her hope. Her kindness. I think the whole group misses her, Montana. She was special, and so are you."

"Thank you, T-Dog," Montana said, frowning. She felt the familiar feeling of pain fill her heart again. How had it been eight full months since she had lost Elaina and Wayne, yet it felt like yesterday? Montana did not speak of the grief she felt, because she could not make sense of it. Her life had been dedicated to helping Elaina and now, that had been ripped from her clutches. Her sense of purpose, gone. Apart from being an extra pair of hands for the group, Montana felt useless. No ties, no connections. The only family she had was the group. Even then, she didn't think they thought much of her. If she could redo everything that night, she would've saved Elaina. She would've swapped places with her in a heartbeat.

"Let's go on a walk," T-Dog said, standing up. "We will stay near the perimeter."

Montana stood up with him and headed a few metres away from the campfire. Both T-Dog and Montana clutched their rifles slowly, as if something could appear out of the darkness any second. When they stopped, they stood in silence for a while.

"Things feel different," T-Dog admitted. "They felt different when Sophia died, too, but not as different as this."

Montana nodded. "I don't think kids were built for this world."

T-Dog looked at Montana and frowned. "They need to be. Aren't they the future?"

"The future?" Montana questioned. "You can't think about it the way you did. You have to take each day as if it's your last."

"I thought you believed in the future," T-Dog replied. "You did back at the farm."

Montana turned and looked at T-Dog with a melancholy she couldn't seem to shake. "You know something, T-Dog? I think parts of us were left back at the farm."

T-Dog nodded, sighing. "It's hard to keep your faith nowadays. Especially when the world keeps giving you reason not to believe."

"True," Montana said, staring out into the night sky.

"Some days I think about Shane and Jacqui," T-Dog admitted.

"Two very different people," Montana replied.

"When Jacqui decided to stay at the CDC, I couldn't make sense of it. I didn't judge her for it, cause that was her decision and nobody has the right to disrespect that, but I think part of me couldn't understand because I had so much hope for the future back then. Now, I wonder how things would've been different if I had stayed. What type of position I would've had to be in."

"Are you saying you would've stayed?" Montana asked.

"No, I wouldn't have stayed, but I can understand  why Jacqui did. Why Andrea wanted to stay. Hope is always there, but maybe it isn't enough for some people. I think to stay, I would've had to have given up every ounce of my hope I had. Even now, it isn't all gone, but some of it has disappeared."

"Do you think, as time goes on, it will become non-existent?" Montana questioned.

"No," T-Dog replied, shaking his head. "Hope will never disappear. Not fully. I think it will change, though. Our hope won't just be about hoping, it will push us to do things for the people we love."

"I don't think Shane thought like that," Montana replied. "He didn't like hope."

"That man," T-Dog sighed. "He knew how to survive, but I don't think he knew how to live."

"To live," Montana said, almost breathlessly. "To live for love."

"What did Wayne used to say? Humans need humans," T-Dog replied, looking at Montana directly in the eye. As she turned to him, she felt like he could read her thoughts. Behind the grief, and the blame, he saw a woman who was still trying everyday.

"This whole thing has taught me a lot about love," T-Dog said, staring into the night. "How we find it, how we keep it, how we lose it, and how we remember it."

"Something good came out of something bad for you, then?" Montana asked.

"Yeah," T-Dog nodded. "That's the best way to put it."

Montana nodded, staring into the night once more.

"You don't have to do it alone, Montana," T-Dog said, as if he had been meaning to say it to her all along.

"I'm not," Montana said, shaking her head.

"No, not surviving. Grieving. That shit it heavy to hold all on your own. You want someone to talk to, you can come to me."

Montana's brown eyes looked towards T-Dog, and his genuine expression. She knew, in that moment, he meant every word. Montana realised it had taken this look, and T-Dog's kind words, to convince her that maybe not all was lost. Maybe she did have someone after all.

"Thank you for reminding me."

"Of what?" T-Dog replied.

"Of what it's like to have a friend."

A/N: Hey everyone! I hope you're having a great day. This chapter was a little shorter, but it's just as important. Season three is definitely where we start to see character arcs transforming. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! <3