OFF-SIDE

𝖙𝖜𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖞-𝖘𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖓

I suggest checking the tws for this chapter 💌Octavia

I release a frustrated breath as I rub a hand over my face, "What the fuck!" A yell comes from upstairs and I start to get up, striding towards the voice, I eventually find Xander standing with a box in his hands and my brothers beside him wearing a murderous expression on their faces, I walk towards them, "what's wr-" my words die in my throat when I see what's in the box.

There are two pictures, one is when all of us were sitting with dad while he finally unraveled his disgusting truth, and the other one is a picture when we were at the ball, all of us holding the papers that were in the cake, shivers run down my body and my breath hitches, but that's not the worst part, there's blood sprayed across them, and throughout the whole box.

I swallow the knot in my throat as I look at all of them, "this is too much." I say, my voice choked with fear and anger, Cole nods, his features softening as he walks to my side, then carefully pulls me towards him, "I'll get more guards, this is becoming out of our control." Brendan speaks and I slowly nod agreeing to the idea and so do my brothers, "you're safe with us octavia I promise." Xander says concern itching his features and for a second I'm taken back by his response but I slowly nod too, not trusting myself with words.

***

A knock on the door pulls me away from my thoughts "can I come in?" Xander says from across it and I sit up, fix my crop top then speak "yeah." The door slowly cracks open and he comes in, sitting down on the mattress in front of me, I look at him and swallow the lump in my throat not knowing if I'm ready for what's coming.

"I'm sorry." He says and my eyes meet his, and for a shocking moment I realize that there are tears in his eyes, what's up with everyone apologizing to me lately? "Why are all of you just apologizing now?" I ask not making effort to hide my anger and frustration, he swallows hardly "because this whole situation is making us imagine what it'd be like to lose you-" he says and inhales a sharp breath.

My lips part shockingly, "and-I ju-just I can't lose you octavia." He says shaking his head repeatedly, "yes I know I'm your least favorite and I've always been shitty, but I'm asking for another chance, please I'll do anything, anything to make you forgive me." He says so softly, I stare at him wide eyed, not sure if that's actually my brother, my heart beats rapidly in my chest the more I continue staring at him.

I slowly re-gain my focus "I- you're my brother Xan, I'll always give you another chance, but....please don't make me regret it." I say desperately and his expression shines with hope while nodding again, "I promise, I swear." He says and I smile at him then look at the floor "why did you always blame me for Chris's suicide?" I ask and he visibly flinch, he avoids my eye contact and tries to calm his breath.

"I don't know, it felt..easier, it felt easier than finding out about whatever happened that lead him to this, it felt easier to...blame you." He says so honestly it hurts, he felt it was easier, because he couldn't bear hearing the truth, "I have one condition for forgiving you." I say and he slowly nods, "you're gonna listen to everything that's happened that lead to Chris's suicide." I say and his eyes widen then he opens his mouth to speak but no words come.

His throat Bobs as he swallows, he nods once "okay." He says and I take a deep breath then start talking "you remember when we were at the foster care of course, and the shelter too, it all started there, one night me, Chris and Brendan were sitting together, just...talking, and laughing not knowing that the next moments were about to change our whole lives," I say then pause to swallow the knot in my throat and wipe my already tearing eyes, Xander stares at me, non blinking, concern itching in his eyes already.

"The director-of the shelter, his name was James Mori, he came and asked about our day and how we're doing but after he left Brendan and Chris kept complaining about the way he looked at me, I saw it too but chose to ignore it, most people looked-but they never took action and I though no one would-that night proved me wrong." I say and his jaw tics, I can feel my body slightly trembling at the mention of everything again, I always carried this secret with me, never said it out loud, not to anyone.

"We went to sleep normally then I woke up in the middle of the night to-find that we were tied and couldn't move a single muscle, he drugged us, so we could be wide awake and see and feel everything but can't move any limb, it was...awful, anyway he got rid of my clothes and-I think you know what happened....Brendan and Chris just watched, neither of them able to do anything, just screaming for help-and it never came, the help never came." I say and tears stream down my cheeks not bothering to look at Xander as I open my mouth to continue "we thought that'd never happen again, we thought it was just a one-time thing, but again he proved us wrong, and this time he didn't just do this to me-he included Chris and Brendan too, and it just-it just kept going on and on, at some point we stopped screaming, completely gave up." I say then stop and inhale a sharp breath.

Xander chokes on his breath as he stares at me, tears streaming down his cheeks, "James threatened that he'd either include you and Cole in this too, or kick us out if we tried to run away or seek help, so we did what we had to do-everything to protect both of you from the same disgusting fate, that kept going on for two months then...our father came and adopted us, we thought we were in the hands of an Angel who saved us but turns out he's the devil behind all this.." I say and shake my head repeatedly "so we all reacted differently to this, Brendan stopped talking unless it's necessary, he stopped talking to-anyone, I think that just Chris was the exception, I..went to the easiest choice, I took the easiest road, drugs and alcohol, everyday I'd either snort a line or drink till I pass out, it lessened the pain, it took away everything, it made me feel...free even if it was for a second, even if the feeling afterwards was shitty, back then I convinced myself that it was worth it, I needed it,, Chris well, he suffered from depression, anxiety, self-harm and the worst thing was the suicidal thoughts roaming through his mind until they-they finally took over." I choke on the last part, my voice strangled and pained.

"The three of us were hurting and we had no idea how to save each other nor save ourselves." I say and drop my head in my hands for a few moments before I finally re gain my focus and look up, Xander is staring at the floor, cheeks streaming with tears as more continue to fall and his hands are fists at his side, "I'm so sorry- I don't even know what to say, nothing will be enough, I don't even know how you forgave me, I'm sorry." He sobs his lips trembling and my heart clenches, my brothers are all I have, and I know that no matter what Xan would have done I'd still have loved him, no matter what.

He stares at me for a second "is it okay if I hug you?" He asks and I look at him confused "why are you asking for permission?" I ask "because you don't seem to find comfort in any of my actions so I always-That's why I always keep my distance, I know I'm not the one you'd like to put your face on while crying but I want you to know that I'm here, I want you to know that I care," he says sincerely and for the first time I'm speechless, I slowly pull him in a hug and drown in his warmth, "oh Xander, It's not like that-it's just, you never showed that you care, I thought you...hated me at some point." I say softly, "I'd never hate you, I'm sorry for making you think I did." He says caressing my hair.

At some point in my life, I hated having siblings, Xander was the smartest, Cole was the most respectful, Chris was the most talented, Brendan was the perfect atheist that went to champions and made us proud, and I was just.....there, I remember how my dad used to never mention me to anyone when they talked about their kids, and when I asked him, he said that I didn't achieve anything, that I didn't do anything to be talked about, and although he didn't say it out loud but I knew that at some point he was ashamed of me, and maybe I was too, but not anymore.

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