The Lives Of The Romanovs

Becoming A Mother

Anastasia

I was sitting in the rocking chair by the fireplace. The snow was falling outside and the palace had become quite cold. Every fireplace was going now and the staff were lighting many candles. For me, I bundled up in a lot of blankets and looking through old photo albums. I was currently looking at my 1915 photo album. How I colored so many photos and had so many memories.

I was subscribed to the Hollywood magazines in the United States. There were major headlines like: "Josiah Henry found dead in Russia, Anastasia Johnson disappears!" I had become quite popular ever since I fell off the face of the Earth in America. I was not going to be there for any awards or to see the film in theaters, which was disappointing.

My pregnancy was going well. I was six-months along and everything seemed to be going well. Doctor Gedroits was often giving me appointments, medications, and stretches to try. Papa comforted me as much as he could, and Mama tried too. But Mama made is abundant that she was unhappy with me. I do not blame her, as I was unhappy with myself. Papa was unhappy with me as well, but made it less apparent.

There was a knock at the door. I looked over and saw Vladimir come in, holding a cup of hot tea. We could not help but grin at each other. He closed the door and approached me

"It's peppermint tea. It is calming for the baby and hot."

"Thank you, dear brother."

"Brother?"

"Of course, you are my brother-in-law. That makes you one of my brothers, doesn't it?"

Vladimir smiled widely. "I suppose...sister."

"Sit down, please." I pointed to the chair next to the fireplace. Vladimir went and sat down. He sighed and looked at the fire going. I wondered what was on his mind. "Vladimir, what is on your mind?"

"Oh nothing," Vladimir raised his eyebrows and turned his head to look at me. "I am having breakfast with the Dowager Empress in a week."

I giggled. "That is something to be nervous over. Just be polite and kind. You can do that, can't you?"

"Yes, but I often worry about saying the wrong thing."

"Welcome to my life. Suppressing my wit and sarcasm was one of the most difficult things during my childhood. Ever since I became with child, I have lost my humor. Everything is simply so...dark."

"That is not from being with child. It is from Josiah, you know, leaving us."

I stayed silent for a moment. I was a bit worried about opening up about my feelings. I used to not be this way, but now I was so worried about making everyone angry. I tended to do that all the time now.

"It is still so hard for me to believe Josiah committed suicide. He was happy. He loved me, didn't he?"

Vladimir gasped. "Of course! He talked to me about you. Josiah loved you very much. But sometimes, we as humans, go to dark places. Dark places in our minds that we cannot escape from."

"I miss him terribly. And I cannot even keep the baby. I have to give the baby to an orphanage." I let a tear fall. I quickly wiped it away and then laughed to myself. "I do not even know why I am crying. Quite silly of me, really."

"No, it is not." Vladimir declared. "You have went through something so difficult. When Maria died...I cried for months. Hell, I still cry. When her birthday comes around or I even look at her grave, I cry like a child who misses their blanket. But I have learned how to live without her. Not just for Paul, but for me as well."

"Do you see yourself remarrying?"

Vladimir sighed. "Actually, your grandmother was a large help with this one. After thinking about it, I would be open to the idea of remarrying. But it will be a long time. I am still grieving her."

"I can never see myself falling in love again. Josiah was everything to me. My fiancé and the father of my child. My whole life is gone." I leaned back in my chair and looked at the photo album again. My childhood was much easier than my adult years. Sometimes, I think I grew up too fast. With the war, my political ideas, and falling in love for the first time: I was thrown into adulthood.

"What is that?" Vladimir pointed to the book. I grinned at him, and then reached the photo album over. A wide spread across his face.

"That is my 1915 photo album. Some of my favorite photos are in there."

Vladimir laughed. "I love the one of you with fake teeth! That one is fun. Oh goodness, I have not seen this one. It's Lilas reading under a lamp. And Lilas laughing with some soldiers."

"If you would like, I could put together a small photo album of Maria's childhood photos. You can show them to Paul. I'm sure you only have photos of Maria from 1919-1924. I think some childhood photos of her would tickle my nephew."

"Oh, you do not have to do that for me! They are your photos, Anastasia."

"I do not mind. We have so many photos, believe me. I am sure no one will mind if I give you photos to Paul so he can remember his mother."

Vladimir smiled up at me. "Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"Please, it is my pleasure. We all miss her terribly. You know, it is still difficult for Papa to even look at Paul. He looks too much like Maria."

"I know. I can only imagine what will happen when he gets older and all I can see is my late wife's face. I do not know how I can deal." Vladimir shook his head, continuing his to flip through the photo album. "I love this one too. The one of Maria, Olga, and Alexei sitting on the rocks."

"I can get you a copy of that one," I said as I took the photo album from him. "I always liked that one too. Another one of my favorites is Olga and Igor on the beach in 1916. That was before they knew they would marry each other." I chuckled and closed the photo album. I set the album on the side table next to the rocking chair.

"It is funny how things work, isn't it?" Vladimir have a wan smile.

"Yes, oh!" I gasped and placed my hand on my stomach. Some vibrations and small movements were coming from my belly. The baby was kicking.

Vladimir stood up. "Are you alright? Is everyone fine? Should I get Doctor Gedroits?"

"Vladimir, she's kicking." I laughed. He sighed in relief and a wide smile spread across his face.

"That is such a relief, dammit. I was terrified for a moment."

"Would you like to feel?"

Vladimir looked puzzled. "Are you sure that is not inappropriate? I would not want to be inappropriate or immodest at all."

"Shut your mouth and put your hand on my belly, weirdo." I rolled my eyes. Vladimir softly chuckled and bent down. He placed his hand on my belly, and his smile grew wider. We looked each other in the eyes and started laughing together. It was a beautiful thing. Having a child. I adored the feeling of knowing I was bringing another life into the world. And to share this moment of my baby kicking, that was the best thing of all. Vladimir was like my brother, and it was great my daughter would know her uncle, even though she would never truly know him. She would never even know me.