The Lives Of The Romanovs

Come Back To Me

Olga
February 1927

Three months. Three months since the death of Ivan. The children grieved fairly quickly, as they were children and focused on their toys and what not. I did not blame them. They were simply too young to understand. Igor was heartbroken as well, but was easily back on his feet again and helping around the house. Though, at night, he cried. I could hear him in the room next to mine. Igor and I were often arguing now, and we decided to temporarily sleep in separate beds.

I hardly ever left my bed. The pain was too much for me to get out of bed. Whenever I saw the children, I simply remembered that Ivan was never going to be with them. And I just could not bare it. I stayed in my room where I could grieve and be left alone.

On Tuesday morning, there was a sharp knock at the door. "Olga." Igor's voice was at the other side. I did not respond. I did not even have the energy to respond.

"Olga." He walked into the room and walked to the edge of the bed. I laid on my side, away from him. "I was thinking about taking the boys on a walk. Do you wish to come with us?"

"No. Leave me alone."

"Olga, you need to get out of bed. You have not been out of bed since Sunday after church."

"I do not wish to get out of bed. I shall tomorrow, I promise."

Igor walked around so he could see my face. "You said that yesterday. It was already so difficult getting you out of bed to go to church. Come on, let us go on a walk. The boys miss you."

"Please, apologize to the boys for me. I cannot get out of bed. I promise that I will be out of bed tomorrow."

Igor groaned and shook his head at me. "I do not know who this woman is, but I want my wife back. The one who cared-"

"Stop. Stop it." I moaned and pulled the blanket over myself. "I am in grieving. I cannot get out of bed today. Tomorrow."

Then the next day came. And still, I did not have it in me to get out of bed. Igor scolded me for not getting up. I promised the next day again. When Thursday came, I still could not get out of bed. Igor went from being calm and upset, to being very angry and begging me to get out of bed. I wanted to. I truly wanted to. But I was simply too weak to get out of bed to be with him and our children. On Friday, that was the worst fight Igor and I had ever had.

"Olga Nikolaevna Romanova!" Igor yelled and stormed into my room. "We agreed to go on a carriage ride today, don't you remember? Oleg, Lyokha, and Kostya are ecstatic about going. Why are you not dressed yet?"

"Take the boys on your own. I am too ill today." I moaned. There was a moment of silence. That was until Igor kicked the bed frame as hard as he could.

"Get the bloody hell out of that God damn bed before I throw you over my shoulder! Get up!" Igor screamed at me. That was the first time I had ever seen him so angry. Never, and I mean never, had he yelled at me like that. It was terrifying to me. But then, Igor broke into sobs. He wiped his eyes and tried to keep his composure, but he found it difficult.

"I wish I could stay in bed all day. I wish I could sob, and moan, and sleep. You get to tell everyone how you feel and think. But me? I have to keep my mouth shut and be strong for everyone, especially you. So if you love me or our sons at all, then get out of bed. Your parents miss you along with your sisters."

"If only it was that easy, my darling. I am not mentally strong enough for this. I am weak. Please, just leave me alone." I curled up into the covers. I face away from my husband and waited for him to say something.

"Olga, I am exhausted of pushing you. I will leave you alone. But if you decide to stay in this bed...then you risk losing everything. We made a promise to each other at our wedding to help each other and support one another, no matter what. Please, if our vows and marriage mean anything to you, then bring my wife back to me. I want my Olga. I want my woman...well, I am leaving. The boys and I will be going on a carriage ride to St. Petersburg to go to the local candy shop. We will be back in two-hours." I heard Igor's loud boots and then the door slam behind him.

Igor. My Igor. My dearest husband and companion. How could I have done this to him? I have been so lost in my grief that I was risking the most important thing to me in this whole world. My family. I have missed out on seeing the boys. Their laughter and scurrying of their feet. I have missed Igor's smile and seeing him give piggyback rides to them. Oh, I have missed so much. I loved Ivan terribly and I would forever be so painfully sad that we gone from our lives; but it was time to let go. This grief was destroying me. And with that, I sat myself up on the bed and placed two feet on the floor. I felt weak, as I had been hardly eating one meal a day.

I took a hot bath full of different soaps and scents. It had been too long since I took a back and I needed to throughly clean myself. Scrubbing my hair and body felt relieving. Afterward, my lady-in-waiting picked out an outfit for me. It was a lavender color. I had my hair done along with my makeup. Toward the end, I went to the kitchen where a lunch was served for me. I ate rapidly, as if I had not taken a bite of anything in years. The food in my body gave me some energy.

When I heard the tires of the car, I rushed to the main hall. My heart raced as I patiently waited for all of my boys to come in. And when those doors opened, I had never seen three-boys so utterly excited.

"Mama! You are out of bed! Mama!" Oleg exclaimed. All three of them rushed toward me and wrapped their arms around me. "Dear Mama!"

"We missed you!" Lyokha rubbed his head against my leg. "We bought you candy! We know you love chocolates!"

"Oh, my little ones. I have missed you so. I am so sorry." I fell to my knees. I embraced all three of my boys so tightly. I planted their faces in several kisses along with the hugs as well. "I promise that I will be in your playroom to play with you in a minute. Just give me one moment with your Papa."

"Alright Mama." Oleg nodded. Once he took off, the younger two followed him like ducklings. As I stood to my feet, I saw Igor's eyes. His large and wet blue eyes. They were full of tears as his lip quivered. Seeing him like that way made my heart completely break. I opened my arms wide, signaling that I was offering him an embrace. Igor shook his head and fast-walked over to me. Instead of hugging me, he grabbed my face and kissed me.

"Igor." I breathed once we pulled away. "I miss Ivan so much. I miss him so much that I feel like vomiting."

Igor sniffed and nodded. "That is all I needed to hear from you for the last three-months. Olga, I have missed our son so much that—that I have had dark thoughts. Thoughts about hurting myself just so I could be with him."

"Oh, Igor." I sobbed harder. "I cannot l-lose you either. I would not be able to stand it if you died. Remember, you promised to let me die first."

"Yes, of course." Igor chuckled and held my face in his hands. "I cannot break my promise to you. I promise to let you die first."

I stood on my tip-toes and put my arms around his neck. We cried into each other's necks. I could not believe we had both let ourselves go to such dark places. This whole time, we needed each other. We need each other to be better. Igor is half of me, as I am sure cheesy writers and poets would say.

"Where do we go now? How do we recover from this?" I asked him.

"I do not know. This is something we will have to figure out together. For now on, we do not do anything on our own. We must figure out problems together. Promise?"

"I promise." We pulled away from each other. I missed him so much. I missed sleeping in the same bed. And my children. Oh, I realized now how terribly I missed the children.

"Come on, my dear. Let's go be with our boys." I gave a wan smile.

"What about Stephanie? Do you still wish to dismiss her?"

I shrugged. "Let is not discuss this now. I just want to be with you."

Igor took my hand as we walked through the hall and walked up the stairs. I did not believe I would be the same after losing Ivan. But I wished to find my old self. I needed to. It was the only way.