The Lives Of The Romanovs

Beautiful Boy

Vladimir

The train for France was leaving the Tsar's train station at 09:00 tomorrow. I was to be up early and meet the rest of the family at the Alexander Palace before being driven to the train station. I explained to Paul that I was going away for the Summer and he was going to stay with his Aunt Irina Paley and Uncle Feodor. Their son, Michael, was Paul's age but the two rarely spent anytime together. Perhaps they would have an opportunity to become close.

Paul and I had a quiet lunch together around noon. He was rather quiet and did not say much. He stared at Sneg, who was asleep on the floor next to the table. Usually, Paul was speaking to me about his lessons with his tutor in the morning and speaking to me in a mix of Russian and French to show-off his skills. He was a very studious person, even as a five-year old.

"Paul, you must behave yourself this Summer. I will be asking your Auntie how you behaved. Alright?" I asked. He remained silent. I cleared my throat in hopes of getting his attention. "Should we take a walk later? And then tonight, we can eat biscuits and listen to the radio. We can dance to the jazz music later."

"No, thank you." Paul whispered while staring at his food. It seemed out of character for my boy. I did not like seeing him so unhappy.

"Paul Vladimirovich, look at me in the eyes," I turned to a strict tone. He finally looked up at me. "What is on your mind? Why do you seem so sad?"

"Dad...do you hate me?"

"Hate you? Why would you say such a thing? Why would you think that?" I scoffed. Paul's large blue eyes stared into mine with the saddest look, but no tears. Just guilt and sincerity.

"Do you hate me because I killed my mom?"

My heart dropped and my stomach turned. I was not prepared for such a terrible question. I had never told Paul how his mother died, just that she became very ill and passed away sometime after his birth. He had never dwelled too much on how his mother passed and why. But as he grew, I knew there would be more questions about Maria.

"Where did you get such an idea?"

"My tutor's daughter died giving birth to his grandchild. My tutor told me that mother's die giving birth to their children. I killed my mom, didn't I?"

I shook my head. "You did not kill your mother. Your mother...she loved you so much. Sometimes God takes people so suddenly, and we may never understand why."

"But-"

"You were the greatest gift your mother ever gave to me. Even if it was painful, she gave me you. I love you, Paul. And your mother loves you as well. She may not be here, but she is always in your heart. And she loves you and looks after you, even all the way in heaven. As we grow older, more and more people in our lives leave and go to heaven."

"Everyone?"

"Everyone. Someday, I will go to heaven too. But by then, you will be older and you will not need me anymore."

"I am always going to need you, dad." Paul quietly spoke. I felt pity and sadness. Death was a conversation every parent dreaded having to have with their child. But it was needed. I sighed and stood up. I walked around and picked Paul up. He wrapped his arms and legs around me as he rested his head on my shoulder. I carried him upstairs to his bedroom and slowly set him down. I put his blanket over him. There was still a bit of sadness in his eyes that I hoped would go away after a long nap.

"Try to sleep, alright? I love you, my beautiful boy." I whispered and stroked his hair. Paul smiled weakly and he slowly shut his eyes. I sat and stroked his hair until he fell asleep. I carefully stood up and walked out of his room, closing the door behind me.

During the time that Paul was asleep, I started truly thinking about our situation and what everyone had been telling me. Paul was growing up without a mother and would never know a mother's love, which was utterly heartbreaking to me. But my son would never say he did not grow up without being loved unconditionally. Paul was my son and I was going to keep my promise to Maria. I would always look after him. Our beautiful boy.