Rêveries

Chapter 5.

Evelina called me the day after the crash, giving her condolences. She had been there to see it all and she said that they were all shocked and scared. They just watched it all happen, terrified. She sent me flowers every month after the crash and I called her every time to thank her.

Jules went through head surgeries and was put into the coma to heal. He wasn't breathing on his own at first. For a month and a half, he was at the hospital in Japan. My mum flew to be with him in case he would wake up or get better or worse. She wanted to be with her baby. My parents insisted on me still going to school, but I couldn't focus. I couldn't do it.

Arthur and Charles helped me through a lot during the time when I couldn't see him. They said that if something bad happened, I would've known by now. There was still hope. I know they were just bullshitting something that sounded good because they wanted to calm me down. But I still cried in their laps and in their arms.

In November, he could breathe on his own and they transferred him to a hospital in Nice. They didn't want me to see him at first, but I insisted on seeing my brother. Arthur went with me. I thought I was ready to see him, whatever state he was in. I really wasn't.

He looked dead. He was there and he was breathing but he looked dead. Arthur said he looked like he was sleeping, but he was pale and he looked too exhausted to be sleeping peacefully. They were all being optimistic during that time and I think it was to try and cheer me up.

But we all knew.

He was in that coma for nine months. I visited him, unconscious, for nine months. I watched the F1 races only to be able to tell him the results of the races afterwards. I told him that Lewis won another title in 2014. Seb reached out to me during this time, he sent my family roses but he sent me orchids. My favorites. I guess Jules had told him that. Lewis did the same, he sent white orchids while I got purple ones from Seb. They apologized to me, as if it were their fault. In the cards they talked as if they were to blame.

At home things were stiff. My mum was going insane due to the reporters and paparazzi hanging around us and outside of the hospital Jules was at. They pulled me out of school and got me a teacher to homeschool me so I wouldn't have to deal with them. Charles and Arthur still visited me everyday and they helped me a lot. They went through the same thing as me. They knew him as well as I did, they were missing him too, they were suffering too. It's easier to accept the help when the helper knows what you're talking about.

Everything during these nine months felt worthless. I didn't care about anything other than my weekly visits to Nice to see Jules. I knew all his nurses and they knew me. They told me if he had visitors. Daniel came a lot when he wasn't racing. I ran into him once, he hugged me and I missed his wide smile. It wasn't there when I needed it to be.

Jules had the number 17 when he was racing, he had it for quite some time. So when we sat there on July 16th, as his condition was getting worse and worse, I was praying for him to make it to the 17th.

He did.

He died on July 17th at 2:45 AM at the hospital in Nice.

We were alone when he left. Just him and I. I had been sitting next to his bed for hours. I ran my fingers through his hair, silently crying as I felt the life in him slip away. I kept asking him to stay.

S'il te plait ne me laisse pas, please don't leave me.
Laisse-moi partir avec toi, let me go with you.
S'il te plaît, Jules, ne me laisse pas seul, please, Jules, let me go with you.

He had been in a coma for nine months, having us hope that he would get better and recover.

When he died, I think there was a part of me that let out a breath. Not because he was gone, but because he was at peace. The other parts of me were screaming, yelling, punching. They couldn't accept that he was gone. I didn't get to hug him or talk to him one last time and he was gone. My big brother was gone and there was absolutely nothing that I could do. He was forever gone.

Forever one lap ahead.

That was the crash that killed me. That was my crash into the rear of a tractor crane. But I was alive and I was walking around "dealing with it". People said I was "dealing with it" but I wasn't even there. For months I was on autopilot because my mind was in a coma trying to recover itself.

During the months he was in the coma, I think there was a part of me that knew what the outcome would be. I knew this was going to happen, but I was never ever prepared for how it would feel when it actually happened.

When he died it was like a star collapsing, it created this void that just kept pulling all the love and life out of me. I don't know how I kept moving, how I kept eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing. I don't know how I didn't lay down with him and die. I was ready to. Without him I was nothing. He left me here and I was so mad, because everyone said that he's happy now. What they didn't know is that they were telling me he was happy without me. He went to be happy without me and I'm stuck here without him to forever feel the pain of him not being here with me.

His funeral was held four days later. I wasn't crying as I sat there, I was still in shock. I couldn't believe that he was gone, so most of the time I was staring into a void with no thoughts. I wasn't really working or functioning. I sat in between Charles and Arthur and I just stared.

Jules' girlfriend was there with her family. She cried so much and I felt so bad for her. She had lost someone that might've been the love of her life. What if they would've gone on to marry and have children? She loved him and now she can't be with him.

Lewis, Seb and Daniel were there. They helped carry the casket. They all hugged me and my parents but I wasn't in the mood to talk so when they were talking, all I did was nod. Until Seb put a hand on my shoulder with a frown on his face. He took a deep breath before speaking.

"I'm sorry we took all of his time for you, we should've made sure he came home safely," he said as he squeezed my shoulder.

I held it together until that. After that, I cried and I cried and I cried. I hugged him and he let me cry on his shoulder before the car drove off with my brother in a casket.

All the drivers were there and they kept apologizing and they were telling me how much Jules talked about me. How proud he was of me and how much he missed me when he was away for longer amounts of time. Nico Rosberg told me he was funny. Lewis told me Jules would've gone far. Fernando said he would've gotten the championship and a Ferrari seat, it was only a matter of time.

I knew all that.

On July 26th we went to the Hungarian Grand Prix. They wanted to have a moment of silence for Jules and we were there. They put all the helmets in the middle and we were standing in a circle with all of the drivers. I had my parents on either side of me. We stood there for a whole minute, just staring at his helmet. That was the longest minute of my life but it was still not enough.

My brother died, and we stayed silent for 60 seconds. His life was over 788,923,149 seconds long and we're staying silent for 60 damn seconds. I spent the pathetic minute looking down at my feet, crying silently. I cried a lot during this time. My eyes were always red. Because he was worth so much more than 60 stupid seconds.

When the minute was over, I felt my knees failing me. Fernando helped me off track until I had somewhere to sit. My parents left the paddock, they couldn't stand it. They went back to the hotel. But I stayed. I watched Seb win, I watched Daniel get third. The whole podium dedicated their wins to Jules. I wish I got to see him on that podium.

"You'll always be in our hearts, we know that sooner or later you would have been a part of this," Seb said when he passed the finish line.

Evelina was there. She sat with me the whole time. Max was driving his first season in Formula 1, he drove for Toro Rosso just like Daniel had done. Max gave his condolences and told me how big of an inspiration Jules had been.

Evelina had called me on multiple occasions since he passed. Before the funeral, the days leading up to the race. She made sure I was okay. She apologized for not being there in person during the funeral. She was there during the race in Japan because Max had a practice. She wished him good luck and then watched him crash. She was worried about me.

After the Hungarian Grand Prix we went home. Arthur and Charles basically lived in my room because we needed each other. Lorenzo grieved in his own way. He wanted to be alone. We wanted to be with each other. The paparazzi were relentless, the reporters were everywhere. My mum got sick of it, it was eating her alive.

We couldn't stay here. Mum said she couldn't stay in our house anymore. She couldn't stand to see him when he wasn't there. His room was there just haunting her. To just move was the last thing I wanted to do, and I knew they had been planning it longer than they had told me, because no one is able to just rip up their lives and move. I hated them for it.

We moved. We fled. We were cowards.